9 Questions to ask if you are feeling "Lonely as a Leader"

They say its "lonely at the top".

It has always been said that as a leader it can be lonely at the top.

The concept of leadership is changing rapidly and there is no longer the metaphorical "top" or "mount" to be ascending. Leadership is getting more democratized as we speak and we have leaders at all levels, in the organization.

You definitely need to be at the "top of your game" though. In this journey, there are days and times where you feel "lonely" - lonely in your assumed role of leadership.

I wanted to explore this phenomenon in this blog. And, use some of my own experiences to share my perspectives.

Let's begin then ... there are times when you feel "lonely as a leader" and that can be a heavy burden to carry.

• Do you have a vision which others are not aligning and aspiring towards?
• You are on a path which no one is walking along with you?
• Do you feel deserted by your own team, peers and colleagues in your collective journey?

Sometimes, it is not the distance that hurts. It is the company or the lack of it that hurts the most as a leader.

Have you been there? In that state of "lonely as a leader"?

I have been and this is what I have learned .. 9 questions to ask yourself.

Sometimes, it is just the "time - here and now". There is nothing wrong with you or others. It is more to do with you as a leader taking time off to get some perspective to unwind yourself.

One leader with whom I worked and enjoyed working a lot Joshua Craver always clarified this distinction really well. He used to call it the the "dance floor view" and the "balcony view".

At times, we are pulled into the action and execution that we are part of the story and it is difficult to see things as they are. This is the dance floor view. If you need a different perspective, you need to take a "higher perspective" literally, and that is called the "balcony view".

Plan your reflection time to sort things in your mind and that might just help with all of this.

Does it feel like a deja vu? Have you been there before?

Did you feel "lonely as a leader" before?

If so, it is imperative that you ask yourself what is similar in this given situation and the earlier situation? Is it the same stuff or same people or the same principles?

For me, the pattern has been that I tend to feel so when even after lots of conscious efforts and dialogue the team around me (stakeholders, peers, team) who apparently chooses to "consciously exclude the guiding principles we are trying to adhere to" and make me feel like a minority. Being a minority is not a bad thing, being an excluded minority is.

Do you have a pattern for yourself? What is your pattern?

With the support of the archery analogy let me first explain what I mean by "being and doing goals".

As an archer, I need to be extremely still when I aim for the goal and the way I hold my bow and arrow. This state of stillness embodies your internal value system and state of being - it is how you want to feel moment by moment. Technically, it is called as the "natural state of thinking, feeling and behaving". You can also call it your "Core Values", etc.

Also, the act of stillness (my state of being) should help me enable to achieve my goal (in this case hitting the target). That is the doing part of the goal .. what I want to achieve being who I am. That in a nutshell is all about "being and doing goals".

You might be feeling "lonely as a leader" if you have steered too far away from your being and doing goals. Is your current role, goals and environment taking your closer to your being and doing goals, or are they taking you away?

Please ponder on this.

Implicit expectations assumed as explicit expectations can play havoc, literally.

The technical terms for this (as taught to me by Charu Rao) are called "Social" and "Psychological" expectations.

It is very important for us to do an honest evaluation if your unmet expectations are either social or psychological.

If a part of your unmet expectations are psychological - then, get started right there !!

Can you recollect Frodo's excruciating journey in "Lord of the Rings" movie?

Isn't that how you feel, at times? I call this phenomenon "The Burden of Vision".

Yes, as a leader (not the title, yet the mindset) it is your burden to carry and uphold at all times. You can of course make it more relatable to your stakeholders. Not all parts of your vision might be of interest or of immediate attention for your stakeholders.

How can you make it more relatable? Is a problem you need to solve - the sooner the better.

There is a beautiful tool on this topic taught to me by Nagaraja Padavala for the same. I don't want to steal his thunder, so here is a quick summary of the tool.

• Take your vision and break it down to thematic goals (aligned to timelines)
• Further breakdown thematic goals to objectives and measures
• Evaluate actions (reality vs. ideal state) both for structural and soft factor (people slide)

How relatable is your vision to your stakeholders? What can you do differently?

Empowerment is a tricky game, rather a true game changer.

A truly empowered individual or team can create magic, as they set their minds and hearts on the goal at hand. The million dollar question is how to do you ensure all of your stakeholders are empowered - starting with you.

Here is a quick format of Empowerment that I find handy.

Empowerment = Role Clarity + Authority + Resources + Motivation

• Role Clarity: Am I clear about the scope of my roles and responsibilities
• Authority: What authority do I need to execute my role efficiently?
• Resources: What resources (time, people, money, tools) do I need to be successful
• Motivation: What attitude, mindset and skills do I need to be successful? This includes both skill and will of the person (intrinsic motivation and skills to succeed)

To make this Empowerment formula complete, I am going to throw in another piece of the puzzle which might make a lot of difference

• Personal Mastery: What's my personal vision? Am I on an ongoing journey of improvement of my skills and mental models?

Start with the Empowerment question - first for yourself and then your stakeholders.

Yes, having a support network of mentors and coaches makes all the difference.

You have read it right, that a plural noun - mentors and coaches. More the merrier in a VUCA world. My special thanks to Ed Cohen, Anil Sethi, Shekar Mani, Nagaraju Padavala, Charu Rao and Ritesh Ranjan for being my coaches and mentors respectively when I felt "lonely as a leader".

Whom are you going to for mentoring and/or coaching?

This question from Nagaraja Padavala has stayed with me for a long time and has stirred things inside me. I am still grappling with the question and let it make me uncomfortable.

You should also probably do the same.

The last question is not a question but a "quest".

Did you find your tribe? With whom you can run along? Be your braver self and also your vulnerable self? What's your inner circle of like-minded people?

They will help you with your sense of "loneliness" as a leader.

Wishing you a meaningful, fulfilling and impactful journey as a leader.

Thank you.

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If you have enjoyed reading this blog, here are links to my earlier blogs.

Do check them out:

1. 8 Powerful Questions to Live a Balanced Life
2. 3 Insights from a Simple Social Experiment
3. 5 Lessons from 50 Days of Daily Gratitude Practice
4. 9 Powerful Questions for Building Resilience
5. Rise of Phoenix: 8 Strategies for Successful Corporate Turnarounds
6. Oh Leader, Where are you?
7. 3 Life Lessons from a Beach Butterfly 
8. 3 Focus areas for First 90 Days on a Job  
9. 3 Tips for pursuing Excellence through Deliberate Practice
10. 5 Traits of Exceptional Managers and Leaders      
11. 3 Reminders for Work and Character Development
12. 5 Leadership Lessons from Rumi’s Poetry
13. The Supreme Art of Being a Serving Leader
14. I am a Leader and a Coach who ..
15. 3 Gifts to share with the next generation
16. Four Lessons of Emotional Intelligence from “The Hulk”
17. Crossing the Chasm of resistance during Change
18. I met Nelson Mandela Today