9 Ground Rules that Make a Difference

 As an executive coach, I am often called upon to help improve the way individuals and teams interact. After 30 years in business these are the ground rules I have found that really make a difference:

Assume positive intent - so often, we assume people are doing things because they are "bad", "wrong", "stupid", "manipulative", etc. In reality, others often see things very differently than we do and we would be better served by trying to understand their perspective rather than making them wrong.

Really listen - people often don't really listen to what others are saying, we formulate our response and jump to conclusions about where the other person is going with their thought. It is very beneficial to quiet the internal voice and just listen. 

Speak for yourself – say “I think”, “I see”, “I feel”, “I want." When we say "you", or “they”, people get defensive. When we talk about things from our own perspective, first, they can't say we are wrong to feel or see things the way we do and secondly, they are a lot less likely to get defensive.

 Own your own “stuff." If you have ever taken any type of personality instrument, you know that we all have a package of strengths and a package of downsides that come together. No one is perfect. When things go wrong, we need to own our own part of the problem.

 Speak to the facts and talk about your interpretation of the facts as an interpretation; recognize that we often interpret the facts differently based on our up-bringing, culture, background, past experiences and personality. We tell ourselves stories about what things mean all day long. It is helpful to realize that these are in fact our stories. Others’ stories may be very different.

 Assume the other person is telling the “truth” as he or sees it. I can't tell you how many times two different people have come into my office talking about the same situation from 180 degree different perspectives. No one is lying, they just see it differently.

 Be inquisitive about others perspectives - when we see things differently, it is important to listen to the other individual’s interpretation and perspective and ask questions to understand rather than put them on the spot or make them wrong.

 Look for win/win solutions – we often think that either we get our way or our colleague gets theirs. It is most effective to let go of the "how" and focus on the "what" you both want. If you can agree on a common outcome and are flexible about the way to get there, we can often find a win/win solution that meets both of our needs.

 Commit to have the discussion in the room and be explicit about what is confidential and what is not and then follow-through on our commitments.