9 differences between Growth & Self-Abandonment

In relationships, personal growth and change often go hand in hand, but it's crucial to differentiate between genuine growth and altering oneself merely to appease a partner. In healthy partnerships, both parties learn and evolve over time, fostering a dynamic where personal development coexists with the blossoming of the relationship. However, when one starts to change solely to please their partner or avoid conflict, it can lead to a dangerous road of self-abandonment. Here are ten ways to differentiate genuine growth from self-compromising change in a relationship.

1. Authenticity vs. Pretense

When you're growing in a relationship, you will feel more authentic, more in line with your true self. The process of personal development leads you to discover more about yourself, fostering an atmosphere where you feel comfortable being who you are. However, if you find yourself playing a role or pretending to be someone else to keep your partner content, this signifies change for appeasement, not growth.

2. Self-Esteem vs. Self-Erasure

As we grow, we build self-esteem and foster a positive self-image. Personal growth should bolster our confidence and make us feel good about ourselves. In contrast, changing solely to fit into our partner's mold can lead to self-erasure. When we constantly put our partner's preferences over our own, we can end up feeling invisible, leading to lower self-esteem.

3. Value Alignment vs. Value Abandonment

Growth involves aligning our values with our partner's or developing shared values over time while maintaining our own. However, changing ourselves to the point where we abandon our core values to suit our partner's can lead to internal discord and regret. It's vital to remember that a relationship should never ask us to compromise on our fundamental beliefs and values.

4. Long-term Satisfaction vs. Short-term Approval

Personal growth contributes to long-term satisfaction and fulfillment. It's about making choices and changes that will make us happier and more content in the long run. On the other hand, changing merely to gain short-term approval or peace can lead to long-term dissatisfaction. These changes aren't sustainable and can leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled.

5. Mutual Growth vs. One-Sided Adaptation

In a healthy relationship, both partners should experience growth. This mutual growth strengthens the bond between partners and leads to a more harmonious relationship. When only one person is constantly changing to accommodate the other, it creates a one-sided dynamic, which can lead to resentment and an imbalance in the relationship.

6. Personal Expansion vs. Personal Contraction

Growth feels like expansion. We are learning new skills, gaining new perspectives, and becoming more empathetic. We feel like we're continually adding to our personality and experiences. If we are changing ourselves only to suit our partner, it can feel like we're limiting or contracting ourselves, which ultimately stunts our growth.

7. Increasing Independence vs. Increasing Dependence

Healthy growth in a relationship should foster greater independence and self-reliance. This kind of growth allows us to stand on our own two feet while still maintaining a loving and supportive relationship. Conversely, if we're changing ourselves to the point where we're overly dependent on our partner, it can lead to an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship.

8. Respecting Boundaries vs. Overstepping Boundaries

Growth involves understanding and respecting personal and shared boundaries. It's about being able to articulate your needs and ensure your boundaries aren't being overstepped. However, if we're constantly changing ourselves and overstepping our boundaries to accommodate our partner, that's not growth but self-compromise, which can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction and resentment.

9. A Sense of Joy vs. A Sense of Resentment

Growth in a relationship should bring a sense of joy and fulfillment, as it's about developing into a better version of ourselves. However, if we're continuously altering our behavior or opinions to appease our partner, it can lead to a growing sense of resentment over time, which undermines the very foundation of the relationship.

It's important to remember that personal growth and self-abandonment are not the same. While growth in a relationship is healthy and desirable, losing oneself to meet the expectations of the other person can be damaging. By being mindful of the distinctions discussed above, we can better navigate our relationships, ensuring we grow as individuals while maintaining a healthy and fulfilling partnership.