9 in 29: Nine Life-Changing Lessons Learned Over 29 Years

Update: A few people mentioned they had printed this article, so I made a PDF version for free download. Thank you for reading!

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I was recently invited to return to my alma mater, the Kelley School of Business at Indiana University, to talk to a group of honors business students. Walking into a full auditorium, I could see myself in many of them: ambitious, wide-eyed, eager to prove myself and show what I could do. The world had no idea what was coming.

Now I’m 10 years older and—I hope—a little wiser. I recently celebrated my 30th birthday, and I have been appropriately reflective on the things I’ve learned, the things that truly matter to me, and the things I wish I had known when I was 20. Although I have much left to learn, I decided to capture a few key lessons, a version of which I presented to students at IU.

Whether you are a seasoned professional or a student just beginning your career, my sincere hope is that some of these thoughts help accelerate your growth and better define your path. And if you feel one or more of these can be helpful, feel free to send this article to friends or family. 

I hope some nuggets here inspire action and help you reach your highest potential. To help do this, I’ve included a list of concrete ACTIONS AND RESOURCES under each lesson.

Now, without further ado, 9 lessons I’ve learned over 29 years: 

“The best way to predict the future is to invent it.” —Alan Kay

ONE SIMPLE FACT

One of the most important things I have learned is best laid out by none other than Steve Jobs. Watch the video below—trust me, it’s worth it. It’s just over a minute and a half. I’ll wait. 

Done? Great! 

Here’s the lesson, which I call “The Steve Jobs Rule": Nothing is sacred. Absolutely everything in the world, with the possible exception of human life and dignity, is changeable, negotiable, or malleable. There is nothing that you can’t change. 

Look around you… Are you staring at your phone? There was a moment when that was invented (likely by Jobs himself). Are you in an office or a bedroom? Someone came up with that concept. See streets and highways? Someone got up and made that idea happen. Literally every product, service, language, philosophy, religion, vehicle, device or idea ever was conceived by someone who was, in all likelihood, no smarter, enlightened or risk-taking than you are. They just saw the idea, and went for it.

As predicted by Jobs in the video, that single fact changed my life forever. That’s because it made me see that I was the owner of my own life. That I could consciously design and create the world I want for myself and others. I understood that many people grow slowly in their lives or careers because they believe the world is static. “It’s always been that way,” they mutter.

QUESTION EVERYTHING

Too often, we can fail to question the way we were raised, or the way our company runs, or the beliefs we’ve held as true. Instead, we assume the world is the way it is, and that’s it. We don’t ask “why” often enough. We're afraid to be seen as “different" by others. 

But progress comes from those who are unafraid to question the sacred. Jobs, Bezos, Galileo, Malala, Parks, Musk… anyone who has ever pushed humanity forward began by understanding that the world is a blank canvas, and that anyone can hold the paintbrush to paint at will.

So that’s my advice: Question everything. Innovate your world. Disrupt industries. Provoke debates. Stretch the limits. Take the good and discard the bad. And start today. Anyone can change the world. But there’s only a brave few who actually do. The only difference? They believe they can, and they do. 

ACTIONS AND RESOURCES:

• Read these books: "Steve Jobs" by Walter Isaacson
• "The 4-Hour Workweek" by Tim Ferriss
• "The Art of Non-Conformity" by Chris Guillebeau 
• “A Whole New Mind” by Daniel Pink
• “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill
• “Rich Dad Poor Dad” by Robert Kiyosaki
• Keep a notebook such as this one, and log thoughts and observations you have throughout the day. Train your brain to notice patterns, to observe and to question. Review your notes with regularity, and pursue wild ideas that make you tick.

 

 

 

“The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only one page.” — St. Augustine

THE COGNITIVE CONSISTENCY TRAP

There is a vital habit you must ensure to develop early in life, as it gets much harder the older you get… and that is the habit of changing your mind. 

As human beings, our brains are wired to be closed-minded. Changing our beliefs, opinions and prejudices is so hard that parts of our brain can shut down when presented information that is contrary to our belief. This means our brains possess a multitude of quirks, cognitive biases and plain imperfections in the way we view the world. It's our brain’s default. As people grow older, their brains naturally develop cognitive consistency and avoid change at any cost. They increasingly seek media they agree with politically, hang out people that they identify with, and read books that affirm (rather than challenge) their worldview.

This all leads to unnecessary misery, conflict and tribalism, fueled by our unwillingness to empathize and openly discuss different points of view. Rather than unite to solve problems, we yell at each other, never taking the time to empathize or understand. 

As such, it’s hugely important to actively remain curious and humble. It’s imperative to constantly seek the truth, questioning our assumptions and becoming aware that many of them are—in all likelihood—wrong. 

TRAVEL IS THE ANTIDOTE

The best concrete antidote I’ve discovered to break your brain's default is to travel. To travel as far and wide and as frequently as you can. Expand your horizons. Explore lands you didn’t know existed. More than any other experience or tool that I’m aware of, travel will expand your mind and help you see the wealth the world has to offer. It will humble you and help you reach a level of empathy most never experience. It will help you discover that you see the world through a single lens—out of 7 billion possible lenses.

You’ll realize that every piece of knowledge, every material possession you’ve accumulated, every meal you’ve tasted, every person you’ve met, every experience you've lived throughout your long life… they all represent barely a sliver of what’s available for you in the world.

It’s important to note that I’m not talking leisure travel here. You won’t get much from flying to a 5-star all-inclusive resort (besides a few margaritas and some rest—not that there’s anything wrong with that). True enlightenment will come from visiting places and meeting people who are wildly different from those you’ve already encountered. The more different the country, the bigger the growth. Try a couple, and you’ll be hooked forever. Trust me, there’s no cure to the bite of the travel bug*.

Some of my most memorable lessons have come from visiting rural towns in Guatemala, or having conversations with taxi drivers in South Africa, or visiting historical sites in India, or sipping coffee in Paris or from cheering at soccer stadiums in Brazil. To me, the cumulative knowledge and personal growth I’ve gained from those experiences are worth more than any material possession. 

So remain curious. Stretch your boundaries. Travel. Never stop disrupting yourself. And never stop exploring.

ACTIONS AND RESOURCES:

• Check out this inspiring video. And this one.
• Set up alerts from sites such as Kayak or Expedia to inform you when there are cheap flights to your destinations of choice. Discount airlines such as Southwest, Frontier or Allegiant also send out regular offers for flights as cheap as $19. Also check out sites such as Travelzoo or BootsnAll for cheap international trip deals and tips. 
• Get a travel rewards credit card. Here’s how. They allow you to travel for free by the same spending money you already spend. Note: Only do this if you have good credit, little to no debt and can manage credit cards responsibly.
• Rather than staying at a Marriott or Hyatt, give Airbnb a shot. Here’s why.
• A big myth about travel is that it’s expensive. Usually it’s not pro travelers who say that, though. To know how to really travel (and not break the bank while doing it), read these books (a couple of them are repeats from above… they’re that good):“Vagabonding" by Rolf Potts
• "The 4-Hour Workweek" by Tim Ferriss 
• "The Art of Non-Conformity" by Chris Guillebeau 

*Not an actual insect.

 

“80% of success is just showing up.” —Woody Allen

WE BECOME OTHERS

Do you know what one of the strongest predictors of obesity is? If you take any one random name from the phonebook, and you want to determine the likelihood they're obese, there is one fact you can reliably count on: the weight of the people around them. The same is true of smoking, political views, sports teams, and many other attitudes and behaviors. 

We become who we surround ourselves with. Are those frequently around you fit and healthy? It’s likely you are, as well. Are they hard-working? You might be working right now. Are they lazy or procrastinating? You will likely mirror those behaviors yourself.

This is the critical fact to remember: you become the average of the 5 to 10 people you surround yourself with. And if you don’t actively curate those people to reflect the person you want to become, you will subconsciously mimic the attitudes and behaviors of those who are simply close to you, be it in physical proximity, interests or organizations. Humans are social animals. Our very genes drive us to want to fit into the social environments we are.

In other words, be mindful of those who surround you, because you will end up becoming them. 

BE THE DUMBEST PERSON IN THE ROOM

You’ve probably heard the adage of constantly seeking to be “the dumbest person in the room.” Top performers know that surrounding themselves with smart people means they will likely become smarter, as well. There is no such thing as a self-made success. Every successful person has become good at what they do by listening—learning from those who came before them, by being better at observing their predecessors and reapplying to themselves. They learn to add value and give back wherever they are, forming strong lifelong relationships.

An athlete doesn’t get better by playing with worse players. He or she gets better by playing with those who are way better than him or her, and doing so on a consistent basis. 

If you’re a student, try hanging out with your professors. Invite them out for a cup of coffee. They likely came from an industry you’re interested in and are probably willing to provide pointers to succeed in it. If you’re a professional, spend time with leaders in fields you’re interested in or that you aspire to. Go to lunch with your boss. Approach your CEO and ask them for a meeting. Avoid staying in at home after work. Rather, go to as many events, contests, challenges, organizations and sports clubs as you can. The plurality of connections will lead to a broadening of your worldview, and an explosion in the opportunities presented to you.

If you are single or dating, do not settle for someone who is "good enough". The right partner can be the wind in your sails as you pursue your life goals. He or she will inspire you, challenge you, and make you better. The wrong one will drag you down. Remember, we become who we hang out with. So think about where you want to be in life, and be with a person who is there already, or is at least on his/her way.

ACTIONS AND RESOURCES: 

• Ask yourself the following questions, and curate accordingly:Who pushes you to be better? Increase time spent together.
• Who drags you down? Decrease your time together.
• Who do you admire? Be audacious and see if you can build a relationship.
• A tricky one: Who do you envy? Why not try to spend time with them or learn from them? At the very least, notice that your heart is telling you something about the direction you want for your life. 
• Read this:"Absorb What Is Useful” by Bruce Lee (comic)
• "Never Eat Alone" by Keith Ferrazzi 
• "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey 

 

 

“As long as you live, keep learning how to live.” —Seneca

A THOUSAND LIVES

Have you ever wondered what your life would look like if you took a different road than the one you’re on? What if you went to a different college? What if you took a different job? What if you were born to different parents, in a different country, or in a different time period?

There are a thousand different ways your life could have gone. How would you experience life differently? How would you perceive the world? What beliefs and opportunities would you have? 

The truth is, we'll never get to live a thousand lives. But that’s the magic of reading… it can get us pretty close! Reading both fiction and non-fiction books allows us to live through other people. It lets us think their thoughts, understand their perspectives, absorb their ideas. It’s an inter-subjective, time-traveling, mind-warping experience that enriches our time on Earth, giving us multiple lives in one lifetime.

If you read a thousand books, you can live a thousand lives.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER… KIND OF

Reading and learning accelerates growth. If there is one habit that I would say has made the biggest impact in my life it would be the habit of constant learning. My parents instilled it in me at a young age, and for this I’ll be forever grateful. They taught me the power of curiosity, the self-fueling desire of knowing more about the world.

However, this habit also fostered a healthy dose of paranoia—I know that I must constantly be learning, lest I quickly fall behind.

What do I mean by this? You might have heard that knowledge is power. That’s partially true… if you have outdated knowledge, that power is null. In the 21st century, true power will be held by those who can adapt, those who can quickly learn and quickly unlearn. What employers and entrepreneurs seek today are people who can think critically, who can solve problems creatively, combining ideas from various disciplines and knowledge areas in unique ways to solve evermore complex problems. 

Almost everything you learn in school or in your job can—and likely will—become obsolete. The world is changing at a breakneck pace. Whereas our parents and grandparents could gain deep expertise in one profession or skill set and coast on it for their entire professional career, those who want to succeed in the 21st century have no such luxury. To survive and thrive in the modern world means to constantly learn, unlearn and relearn. 

The best thing we can do then, is to cultivate a habit of learning. You’ll notice I placed a number of recommended books in the resources pages. This, however, does not mean that books are the only source of learning. While I do favor them for their ability to provide depth of knowledge, I encourage you to experiment with different styles and media for learning. This can be listening to podcasts or audiobooks, watching YouTube videos or simply talking to lots of smart people (see Lesson #3: Cultivate Your Crew).

Find your own style, and always stay hungry for knowledge. 

ACTIONS AND RESOURCES:

• Check out these YouTube channels:School of Life
• Fight Mediocrity
• Check out these (free!) online courses from top universities and other creatives:edX
• CreativeLive
• Lifehacker University
• Never let commutes or gym time go to waste. Download an app like Stitcher (free) and listen to tons of podcasts. My recommended starting list here. Similarly, get an Audible subscription to get one audiobook per month. 
• Read this:A piece I wrote entitled 5 Books Every Innovator Should Read
• “Disrupt Yourself” by Whitney Johnson
• “The Startup of You” by Reid Hoffman and Ben Casnocha

 

 

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” —Jack Canfield

BRAIN 101

Now for a silly science lesson. 

Take your hand and put it in front of your face. Place the tip of your thumb in the middle of the hand, then wrap your fingers around it so you end up with a fist with a thumb in the middle. Congratulations, you’ve just created an oversimplified version of your brain!

Your thumb represents your amygdala, the oldest part of your brain, evolutionarily speaking (hence the name “lizard brain”). It’s the part where your most primal instincts originate—fear, anger, fight or flight. Your other four fingers represent your cortex, the outer, newer and more evolved part of your brain—this is where imagination, empathy, creativity and language emerge.

Your lizard brain is in charge of shutting down all other parts of your brain if you are in danger. If a car is about to hit you, it will make you jump out of the way. In pre-historic times, it made for a critical instinct that allowed our ancestors to quickly recognize and escape from bears, snakes and saber-toothed tigers. If you didn’t react quickly, you got eaten.

OK, so those are the fundamentals. 

WHERE THE LIZARD BRAIN WENT WRONG

However, in the 21st century, the lizard brain can cause as much trouble as it prevents. Interestingly, whether it’s fear of a snake or speaking in public, the fear is the same. It comes from the same place: the lizard. 

For a great synopsis of the concept, check out this short video inspired by Seth Godin:

Video over? Cool. 

So here’s the deal: you want to do great things, right? Like most of us, you want to make your mark on the world, put a ding in the Universe. In all likelihood, you want to leave a legacy, make sure the world knows you were here after you die. Right? If that’s the case, you have to learn to tame your lizard brain. It’s imperative to acknowledge it exists, to recognize it trying to sabotage you, and to pay attention to its symptoms and tactics: procrastination, self-doubt, inaction, distraction, depression, anger. All of these are defense mechanisms your lizard brain has developed in order to keep you safe. 

Yet no great feat has ever been achieved by staying in safety. No success comes from caving to fear. And there is no greater source of fear than your lizard brain. 

So next time you are embarking on a new adventure, pursuing a dream, starting a passion project… don’t listen to the lizard. It will tell you not to put yourself out there. That you’ll fall on your face. That you’ll be embarrassed and that you will die poor and alone.

Ignore all of it. Instead, follow your higher self, your creative spirit, your hunger for adventure. More often than not, going for it will be rewarding, I promise. 

ACTIONS AND RESOURCES:

• Do one thing that scares you every day. It keeps the lizard in check.
• Read this:“The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield
• “Drive” by Daniel Pink
• “Linchpin” by Seth Godin

 

“Your beliefs become your thoughts, y our thoughts become your words, y our words become your actions, y our actions become your habits, y our habits become your values, y our values become your destiny.” — Mahatma Gandhi

MINDLESSNESS

Have you ever finished a meal, and noticed that you didn’t really remember eating it? Or have you ever driven to a location and realized that you didn’t remember anything about how you got there? All of a sudden, you were there. Your mind was just somewhere else. 

That's called a state of mindlessness—the state where you are not consciously aware of the present, where your mind is outside of the moment, somewhere else. You were in a state of autopilot, letting the automatic, habit-driven parts of your brain take over while your focus was somewhere else. 

We like to think that we go throughout our day making rational decisions, carefully weighing costs and benefits of choices that we make, consciously driving toward our stated goals. Nothing could be further from the truth. The fact is that most of what we do and who we are is irrational—automatic, mindless, thoughtless. The truth is our brains are habit-making machines. Habits save your brain energy. It means it has to make fewer decisions throughout the day. In fact, some studies suggest we spend nearly 50% of our day on autopilot. 

MASTERING HABITS

So why does this matter? First of all, it leads to unhappiness (more on this in Lesson #9 below). But secondly, living in auto-mode is counter to being your best self. Your brain is an efficiency-maximizing machine (or as some would call it, lazy), so it will more often choose the path that is easiest, not necessarily the best for you. 

Once you realize most of your actions are automatic, you have to learn how to combat that and leverage them to your advantage. If there is one thing I encourage you to learn in your twenties, is to understand habits. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Learn its components, know how to make them and how to break them. If you can master your habits, you can master your life. 

But changing habits is hard. Extremely hard. If you’ve ever tried to stop smoking, start working out, start eating better, or become less temperamental… then you know what I’m talking about. To master habits requires an understanding of the underlying mechanics of your brain that does not come naturally to us. You have to learn to hack your brain.

GET OFF YOUR PHONE

The first step: get off yo’ damn phone. Distraction is the biggest enemy of mindfulness, and nothing is more distracting than the constant barrage of tweets, emails, likes, texts, calls and snapchats we are (willingly) subjected to on an hourly basis. Some studies suggest we are now checking our phones an average of 75 times per day—that’s every 12 minutes during every waking hour. While we may think that we are multitasking, what is really happening is our brains are simply switching focus constantly. This is resulting in a narrowing of our attention spans. Even more alarmingly, increasing evidence suggests that technology is impairing our ability to form memories or stay focused. 

You can't be mindful if you’re constantly distracted. Unless you can regain control of your attention, you are destined to live in perpetual autopilot mode.

Beyond reducing phone time, the antidote to this is as much knowledge as it is practice. In terms of practice (I listed a few great sources of knowledge below), the single best solution I’ve found to hack my brain is meditation. After discovering the overwhelming evidence—in ever-growing amounts—that meditation leads to decreased stress, increased compassion, increased creativity, and overall increased happiness, I had to give it a try. For me, it has been transformative. On good weeks, I meditate 20 minutes in the morning, resulting in a marked difference in my levels of focus, serenity and creativity throughout the day. Moreover (and more relevantly), practicing meditation has allowed me to “see behind the curtain” of my autopilot mode, allowing me to hack my brain to improve my habits. I know it sounds weird, but it works.

Your habits become who you are. Learn to control your focus, escape autopilot mode and master your habits, and you’ll become who you want to be.

ACTIONS AND RESOURCES:

• Develop a regular meditation practice. To learn how, try an app like Headspace or Breathe, both available on iPhone. Start with 1 or 2 minutes of sitting in silence, then work up to 5, then 10, and so on. Once you feel a bit more comfortable, try something like mantra meditation. For me, it has been transformative in my levels of mental clarity, focus and creativity. I recommend a website called NSR (Natural Stress Relief) to learn it, but there are many others you could try.
• Get the app Moment. It will seamlessly keep track of your phone use in the background, telling you how many times you check your phone over a day, where you are and how long you are on it. The results will SHOCK you.
• Read this: "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg
• “Thinking, Fast and Slow” by Daniel Kahneman
• “Wherever You Go, There You Are” by Jon Kabat-Zinn

 

 

“Be afraid to die until you have scored some victory for humanity.” —Horace Mann

1 IN 107 BILLION

Here’s a staggering fact to consider: There are about 7 billion alive people on the planet today. And estimates suggest that about 107 billion people have lived and died on Earth since our species began (Fun Fact: turns out I was the 79,798,011,961st person to have lived since history began… find your number here). 

If I were to ask you to list the names of every historical figure, celebrity, politician, star athlete, artist or other famous person you know of… how many would you be able to name? 100? 200? 500 at the most? That’s still 500 out of 107,000,000,000. The rest of them? Well, the stories of most of those 107 billion are, sadly, forgotten in the annals of history.

THOSE WE REMEMBER

For better or worse, a very small number of people have left a mark on the world after they’ve passed. Some villains, some heroes, some builders, some destroyers. But those we remember fondly, those whose stories we tell, those we build statues for, those we name streets after… those were the ones who made good art. Those who made a positive change on the planet. The ones who made peace. The ones who raised kind children. The ones who started world-changing businesses. The ones who through technology, teaching or tenacity, helped others thrive. 

“Art” can mean all those things and more. You can draw, you can teach, you can film, you can photograph, you can write, you can build a business, you can raise children, you can design houses… whatever it is, just make sure you make art.

What is your story? What is your “art"? How will you be remembered? What will you have left behind after you leave this Earth? 

Inside of you there is art—a completely unique story, with a unique point of view and voice. Make sure you die empty. 

ACTIONS AND RESOURCES: 

• Check out sites like Lynda.com or search for YouTube tutorials—you can find a “how to" on almost any type of art.
• Read this:“Steal Like An Artist” by Austin Kleon
• “The Life of Art” by Kurt Vonnegut (comic)

 

 

“Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us.” —Carl Sagan

THE PALE BLUE DOT

In February 1990, NASA released an image of Planet Earth taken from the Voyager, taken from 3.7 billion miles (6 billion km) away. In it, you can see a tiny blue speck of dust, a tiny blue shimmer in the center: Earth. 

Inspired and awe-struck by the significance of the image, astronomer and all-around good guy Carl Sagan wrote the following:

Pretty moving, isn’t it?

All of us live together in a speck of dust. A pale blue dot in the vastness of space. To me, it gives perspective… If this is all there is, I might as well spend my life doing things that matter, things that help myself others live to our full potential.

THE INNOVATION IMPERATIVE

But here’s the really crazy part: Not only is it possible to change the world, in my opinion it’s an almost wrong not to at least try. Never in the history of humanity have the tools of information, creation or capital been so accessible to so many. Thanks to the Internet, technology, capitalism and democracy, never before has an individual had so much power to change so much. We must create. We must innovate. It’s time for all of us to do our freaking best at righting the wrongs we see in our world. 

What will we do with our time on Earth, with our brainpower? Just sell useless stuff, make money, and live comfortably in a huge house? Or live out our purpose, fix big problems and make a difference? As for me, I know the direction I’m headed.

At the end of our lives, all that will matter is whether we left this pale blue dot better or worse than what we found it. 

ACTIONS AND RESOURCES: 

• Knowing your purpose, where you’re going and the impact you want to make in the world is a hard thing to achieve. However, once you do your impact will be that much greater. To better discover your purpose, ask yourself these questions:What did you want to be as a kid? Why? What feelings or outcomes were you looking from those careers?
• What were three moments in your life when you felt completely "in flow”, fully alive, when you said “this is what life is really about!"?
• What would you do if you were given $1 billion… that you can’t spend on yourself? Who would you give to? What problems would you solve?
• What inventions, companies, people or initiatives inspire you, make you want to go, “dammit, I really wish I had come up with that!”?
• ...After you’ve finished answering these questions, look for themes. Then, write a sentence that encapsulates your purpose, and hang it somewhere where you’ll see it every day.
• Read this:“Bold” by Peter Diamandis
• “Start Something That Matters” by Blake Mycoskie
• “Delivering Happiness” by Tony Hsieh
• "Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX, and the Quest for a Fantastic Future” by Ashlee Vance

 

 

A man said to the Buddha, “I want Happiness.”  Buddha said, "First remove 'I', that’s ego,  then remove 'want', that’s desire.  See, now you are left with only 'Happiness'."

THE "IF ONLY" MODEL

There are two general models of happiness. The first is what I call the "If Only" Model. This is the model of happiness that dictates that any person will become happy if only he or she can achieve, possess, get or experience something. You’ve seen it before: 

• "If only I had a nicer car”
• “If only I had a girlfriend/husband/wife/kid"
• “If only I had a better girlfriend/husband/wife/kid"
• “If only I wasn’t so lazy"
• “If only I had a better job"
• “If only I was better at talking to people"
• “If only [insert your own]" 

 

 The If Only Model is a recipe for perpetual unhappiness. This is because we humans possess a quirk in our brains called hedonic adaptation. Whenever we obtain something, we very quickly become "used to it”. When we actually achieve or get any of our “if onlys” (a nicer car, a girlfriend, a better job, etc.), we very quickly get used to them, and we are very quickly back to wanting something more. There have been studies, for instance,where researchers compared the happiness levels of new paraplegics before and after the accident that kept them in a bed or wheelchair. Then they did the same with lottery winners, measuring happiness before and after the win. The results were astounding: after enough time had passed, both groups had returned to their baseline levels of happiness! If you were a happy person before the accident, you were likely to be a happy paraplegic. If you were an unhappy person before the lottery win, you were likely to be an unhappy rich person after it. 

So don’t be fooled by "The If Only Model”—believing that happiness lies in the future is a loser’s game. Instead, let’s try a different approach...

THE "HAPPY NOW" MODEL

The second model is what I call the “Happy Now" Model. This is where we choose happiness right now, at this very moment, no matter what. Sounds simplistic, doesn’t it? Yet it’s a powerful concept that can transform how you view your life. 

What Buddhists discovered thousands of years ago, science is now confirming. Choosing to live in the moment, regardless of the actual circumstances surrounding it, is what actually leads to happiness. Happiness is in the Now. Happiness is Here. 

Think about it: What are the happiest moments of your life? For me, they're when I'm spending time with my wife, traveling to new places, laughing with friends and family, solving complex problems creatively, helping others reach their potential, or trying new experiences. 

All of these instances have one thing in common: I never wish I was anywhere else. I am entirely in the moment. And that's the trick of the Happy Now Model: you can create happiness by choosing to embrace this belief anytime, anywhere. Learning to take the time to pause and appreciate the present, any present, is the surest and most reliable path to happiness. 

There are two ways to achieve this: First, decide to enjoy the journey as much as the destination. Be present in your current struggle, challenge or fight. I’ve noticed that for me, happiness comes when I am being challenged, when I am chasing something. Once I get it, I feel a sense of accomplishment, but it quickly fades and I have to move on to something else. This realization has forced me to enjoy each struggle and fight I go through in my life—as long as it’s helping me get somewhere, it’s worth it. 

Secondly, be grateful. Everyone has something to be grateful for. Be grateful for your health, your family, your shoes, the sunshine, clean drinking water, Netflix, freedom of speech… you name it! Be grateful for the privilege and freedom you have to even be able to pursue a goal at all—many people are not as fortunate. Many people around the world would be thankful to have one of your bad days.

Two important caveats here: First, I do not mean to diminish any true human suffering happening in many parts of the world, where war, famine and poverty are true causes of misery. These two models are best generally applied to most people living in the relative comfort of developed countries and cities. If you are reading this, you almost certainly fall in this latter category.

Secondly, it’s important to note that happiness is not the same as contentment or complacency. A happy person does not make an unambitious person. Sometimes high achievers are afraid of dialing down their desire, of muting their “if-onlys”—after all, an if-only mentality is what has brought them success in the past.

The trick is being able to live in that very delicate balance between happiness and desire. It’s recognizing that goals and ambitions are good things to have, but that achieving them will not “make us” happy. Nothing “makes you” happy. You decide to be happy by focusing on a purposeful path that is true to yourself, and enjoying the journey toward improving yourself and the world. Sure, money helps, but up to a point. Sure, shiny new things are cool, but experiences that help you live in the moment are better. 

Every day, decide to be here now. Realize that happiness is here. That it’s a matter of choice more than a matter of circumstance. 

ACTIONS AND RESOURCES:

• Buy a $5 journal, and write down three things you are grateful for each morning, no matter how big or small. Keep at it, I guarantee it will transform your outlook for the day.
• Listen to The Tara Brach Podcast (available on Stitcher or iTunes podcasts). Her psychology-backed insights on mindful living are a wonderful way to stay present on your commute.
• Read this:“On Happiness” by Henry David Thoreau (short comic)
• “The Happiness Hypothesis” by Jonathan Haidt
• “Buddhism Plain and Simple” by Steve Hagen
• “Waking Up” by Sam Harris
• “The Happiness of Pursuit” by Chris Guillebeau
• “The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius” by Marcus Aurelius

 

Questions or thoughts? I’d love to hear from you. Contact me here:  

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