Why helping doesn't always help: how to have more effective conversations

Check out this blog post by Matt Winter, our Senior Impact Consultant:?

Helping each other comes naturally to us as humans, we’re social creatures. We want to make a difference and have a positive impact in the lives of those we work and live with. If we see someone struggling, we want to make the situation better. But helping isn’t always straightforward, and this is just as true at work. It can be hard to ask for help and, perhaps surprisingly, it’s often difficult to receive it. Think of banging your head or tripping over in public, and how quick we are to protest that we’re fine. When offered help we might resist it. ???

The traditional view is that leaders don’t ask for help. They are supposed to have the answers. But as anyone who has held a leadership position knows, this is impossible. We’re in dangerous territory the moment we think we do.

On the other hand, perhaps you’ve just joined an organisation; it can be equally hard to ask for help. In both situations the power dynamic changes the moment we ask. We fear it will be seen as a lack of skill or knowledge. The CEO is supposed to set the vision and have the answers, the new employee should be able to work it out for themselves.

Much has been written about the importance of creating a culture where people can ask for help, particularly the importance of creating psychological safety. This is not about creating environments where everyone is nice, but instead building a culture where people can admit mistakes and ask for help without fear of humiliation. Being able to ask for help when projects are complex and do not have a single answer is essential for successful teams.

"Being able to ask for help when projects are complex and do not have a single answer is essential for successful teams."

It can also be hard to give help. How many times have you tried to help a colleague, partner, friend, or child and rather than being met with a receptive thank you, the person you’re trying to help is annoyed, or feels patronised. Or perhaps help has been offered, but you don’t see any change.

One way to make helping more effective is to look for ways to make the relationship equal. In asking for help I have less power, in offering help I gain power. The danger is the person helping assumes they can make a difference or are the right person to provide the help. The less powerful the person feels the more defensive or dependent they will become. The asymmetry of the relationship makes it complex, whether with friends, family or in the workplace. To guard against this unhelpful power dynamic the person offering help needs to start from a place of humility and curiosity.

At the heart of any encounter where help is offered is the need to establish a relationship that enables both parties to work out what is actually needed.

Here are some ideas about how to help effectively. I’m indebted to the late Edgar Schein’s excellent book?Helping?in which, with his simple and elegant prose, he explores the art of helping well.

-????????Avoid assumptions: This might be as simple as not assuming help is needed or wanted, or that we know what the problem is. The best place to start helping is, in Schein’s words, from a position of “humble inquiry”. This is to say; “I don’t know what the problem is exactly, but I’d love to understand.”

-????????Start with curiosity:?Don’t be too quick to offer advice. Often the first request for help is a way of testing the water. It’s not actually the help that’s wanted. A colleague might ask for help writing a sales pitch, but the real issue lies with the relationship with the manager and the lack of training they are receiving. Keep listening and asking questions to get clear about what is really going on.

-????????Don’t rush to take on the role of helper: It’s flattering to be asked for help and it’s seductive to assume we are the person for the job. We have to be humble and patient enough to establish whether we are. If not, we have to be honest with ourselves and the person who has made the request.

-????????Don’t take responsibility for the problem: The moment we start solving the problem on someone else’s behalf we fall into several dangers. We may not be solving the actual problem, but more importantly we take agency away from the person whose problem it is, which creates dependency and robs them of their capacity to solve the problem for themselves. In the process a learning opportunity is missed, and the person is not helped at all.

-????????Avoid using evaluative language as you discuss the issue: Simply describe what you hear, and check that you have understood. This is a great way to create balance in the relationship, especially where help has been asked for.

-????????Don’t return a refusal for help with persuasion: Sometimes the help we offer is not wanted, we have to be OK with that. The harder we push, the more resistance we are likely to be met with. Check with yourself that the help you are offering is not actually about meeting a need in you.

Many of these tips (such as asking open questions rather than offering instruction and believing the individual themselves is best placed to know what?they?need) are at the heart of coaching – and?it’s coaching that we think makes our work at Resurgo so effective.

We coach organisations to help them have meaningful and sustainable positive social impact in two ways: internally, supporting their teams to be more effective by building trust and accountability, and externally by helping them tackle social challenges. We have seen the powerful impact of coaching as a way of helping others to become self-aware, to take responsibility for their situation, and move to action, individually and in teams.

How does your workplace create a culture where people can help effectively?

Share your thoughts below!?

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