The 80/20 Rule of Negotiating Past NO

Learning to negotiate follows the 80/20 rule. 80 percent of your success in becoming a competent negotiator will come from 20 percent of your effort in learning how to become one, so make that 20 percent count.

What I mean is that, sure, you could pick up Getting to Yes or Ask For It, or any of a number of negotiation books and in a week or two you’d know everything there is to know about the strategies and tactics of interest-based negotiation. And believe me, you’d be far ahead of most of your peers. But even if you memorized all of the solid, glorious techniques it’s possible (but unlikely) you’d put your new knowledge to work in a way that produces meaningful results. Why?

For women, the terrain of becoming competent negotiators comes from understanding the cultural and social forces operating behind the scenes, unwinding the implicit and explicit biases and limiting beliefs we’ve assimilated from birth, and taking stock of the impact those messages have had on our behaviors.

Let go of the excuses

Here are several common misconceptions that spook us out of negotiating effectively:

• I can’t. It’s not polite to ask.
• If I do a good job, my boss will give me a raise.
• If I just power out on this one last project I’ll deserve a raise.
• How can I ask for a raise when other people deserve one as much as I do? People will hate me.

In other words, learning to negotiate requires personal discovery (and lots of it) as well as practice (and lots of this, too). Inside that practice, we must have permission to make mistakes and go at it again. Only then can we get out of our own way and make use of the 20 percent tools.

To add some practical wisdom here, what most women fear most in the negotiation process is conflict, or the anticipation of conflict, which is usually induced by some form of the word NO. Take for example: “I’m sorry, but I can’t meet your salary request. The best I can do is $50K.” To that, statistics bear out that we typically say, “Um, okay.”

Don’t capitulate to the first NO

Any time you smell a NO coming on, or get no for an answer, ask questions. Open-ended, diagnostic questions. Here are 10 for the road:

1. What else can you tell me to help me understand your response?
2. How did you arrive at that number?
3. What are the company’s economic concerns right now?
4. What are the budgetary constraints the company is dealing with?
5. How can I help brainstorm ways to improve both our bottom lines?
6. Where is the company doing well?
7. What would move you more in the direction of my request?
8. When would be a good time to revisit this conversation?
9. What measurable results would make it possible for you to meet my number?
10. If I could improve sales by 20 percent in 6 months, how would that impact my salary potential?

The answers you get to your questions will open the door for you propose a solution to your bargaining partner's dilemma or pain. When your solutions are in process or fully implemented, you'll then have even more credible data to affirm your undeniable value to your company.

Fall back on your curiosity, practice, and over time your NOs will Turn to YESs.

Lisa is a negotiation consultant and executive coach who knows how to bridge the gap between self worth and net worth. She is the co-founder of She Negotiates and facilitates her company’s signature course, Strategic Conversations: How to Network, Influence, Negotiate and Lead (next one starts April 6). She is the author of four titles at lynda.com, including Negotiation Fundamentals, Conflict Resolution Fundamentals, Coaching and Developing Employees and the upcoming Asking for a Raise.