80/20 in Relationships

You can’t do it all.?

When I read Tim Ferris’s book The 4 Hour Work Week it crystallized this truth for me. While I believe that time is ours to create and manipulate (more on that in another article), we do exist in a world that lives by the clock and other foundational principles. Pesky little realities like “You can’t be two places at once”, “What goes up must come down”, and “The truth will out".?However, for today, let’s focus on the 80/20 principle and how we can implement it for greater freedom in our relationships.?

In life, 80% of your positive outcome likely comes from 20% of your efforts. True efficiency can be achieved only when we are willing to let go of the other 80% of our efforts and focus on the actions that are producing the best results.?

A personal note from a fellow overachiever:?


For the majority of my life I was defined by my achievements. 
Not only did I care about being the best, 
but I wanted everyone to see how much work I put into being the best. 
To say I was an exhibitionist would be a moderate word to 
describe my style. 
Somewhere I believed that if I didn’t have a paper trail of 
my efforts that they would be forgotten. 
If my efforts were dismissed, what would guarantee that 
I wouldn’t be forgotten too? 

Before we can embrace a life of abundance and ease we need to 
separate ourselves from defining our value through our efforts. 
If you need help with this, my door is always open.?
        

So you want to live an easier life? Maybe you recently hit burnout or you can see the possibility of it looming ever closer.?The answer isn’t to figure out how to do it all, it’s to decide to do less.?How? I’m glad you asked.?

Step 1: Decide to

Don’t overlook this essential step. Take the time to visualize how your life will be better when lived with ease. Play the tape in your mind backwards to this very moment. See yourself sitting/standing/walking and making the decision to live your life with less. Value the outcome enough to sacrifice the comfort the hustle is bringing you right now. Take a deep breath, enjoy the freedom that is to come.?

Step 2: Take inventory

Look around you. Make a list. What brings you joy? Life? Hope? Energy? If you were to view your life as a bank ledger - what do you see in the credits column. List it. Now take that list and order it from greatest to least. We only want to focus on the top 5 credits. Things that bring you the most. Sample list:

1. Connecting with my spouse brings me love and acceptance.
2. Spending time in nature brings me peace and calm.
3. Reading brings me a feeling of accomplishment and preparedness.
4. Working out gives me energy and keeps me focused.
5. Making money enables me to have the life I want and feel good about it.

Step 3: Establish sources

Take the 5 things you listed above and make sub-lists under them of the ways you can acquire these things and how much effort those things take. Let's take #1 in the above list. Ways to accomplish this:?

• Follow them around (100%)
• Text them throughout the day (30%)
• Hire a helicopter so I can see them at all times (110%)
• Schedule regular rendezvous (10%)
• Do things that tell them I’m thinking of them even when we’re apart (50%)
• Stare into their eyes (10%, higher when they travel)

Step 4: Edit the logic string

Even though you might feel some of the examples in step 3 are extreme, your brain doesn’t make any such determinations. Your brain wants to make you happy. Therefore it takes a concept like?

Being with Person makes me happy.

and turns it into

Being with Person 24/7 means I will be happy 24/7.?

Then it goes on a focused quest to discover ways to be with Person 24/7 and we end up exhausted. No good.

To break this pattern, all you need to do is edit the logic string in the way your brain calculates happiness. Compare this to the example above:

Being connected to Person makes me feel grounded. If I am grounded, I will be happy.?

Therefore...

I will prioritize?___[method of connection requiring 20% effort]____ with them once every day. This done, I will consider myself “connected” and therefore grounded.

Step 5: Enjoy it

Boom! Presto! You’ve now reprogrammed your brain to acquire 80% of the fuel it needs for happiness without having to hire a helicopter or go stalker status.?

Bonus Step: Habitualize the 20%

Take that 20% effort “trigger” you’ve created in step 4 and make it a non-negotiable ritual. Look to books like Atomic Habits or Badass Habits for help in establishing habits and rituals.

Conclusion

Remember, this isn’t to get you to 100%. You might still want to spend time scheduling rendezvous or sending flowers once in a while (trust me, romance is alive and well). The secret here is that you won’t spend time striving to get to 80%. You’re 80% happy and you still have 80% of your effort left to invest in other things.?

Here's the coolest part - If you properly optimize relationships, work, and your life to expend only 20% and get 80% results you will be able to get 400% out of life. Or, better yet, spend only 40% of your effort and receive 160% of the benefits.?

What will you optimize today?

Courtney Alberson?is a pioneer in leading men’s groups to discuss issues and challenges facing?modern-day?men. From overcoming sexual traumas to living life unleashed, there is no topic that is?off-limits. You may be a self-made millionaire, a C-level executive or a stay-at-home dad. But you feel?disempowered?or unsure why you are hitting roadblocks. If so,?book a session?with Courtney to discover how to step into your full power and recreate the life you’ve always imagined. Go to?https://calendly.com/sidecarsolutions/20min?to book a complimentary session.?