[8] Would you be your own friend?

One Line Summary: While I have less tolerance to other’s abuses, I did tolerate many abusive behaviors from myself.

One Paragraph Summary:

Based on my life experiences, I lived many years with the believe that “If someone betrays you once, it's their fault; if they betray you twice, it's your fault.” (Eleanor Roosevelt) So very rarely I give second chances to people who has hurt me or betrayed me in any way. However, looking back I was surprised how many times I have betrayed myself in things that were really important for me and my future. To the question above, I would have never been my own friend! – So why all this self-torture?

Newsletter:

Self-torture is defined as “inflicting mental or physical discomfort upon yourself”. (Your Dictionary, n.d.)

I have suffered for several important anxiety episodes where I had given up to additions such as cigarettes and food. Was just looking for “Instant Comforting Behaviors” that distract my mind from the real issue...

I was in “Cognitive Dissonance” which is the psychological term for a continuing behavior that conflicts with my beliefs (Morgan, 2019).

Or commonly known I was self-sabotaging me.

The Psychological definition of Self-Sabotage (R. Wilson, 2021):

Self-sabotage occurs when we destroy ourselves physically, mentally, or emotionally or deliberately hinder our own success and wellbeing by undermining personal goals and values (Brenner, 2019). It is “insidious, profound, and universal” and emanates from negative mindsets (Berg, 2015).

When I listened to Dr. Gabor Mate words in his YouTube Video Egoic , I understood that all my problems existed because:

“I didn′t want to grow up,

I didn′t want to take RESPONSIBILITY”

And the key question is: “How do I take responsibility?”

I agree with him, when he says that being human is dealing HONESTLY, OPENLY and COURAGEOUSLY with our difficulties.

That′s how the transformation started to take place.

First, I needed to RECOGNIZE what I was doing, that I was a mess… And avoid any illusion of Toxic Positivity (i.e. “assumption that despite a person’s emotional pain and turmoil, they should only have a positive mindset”) (Sawhney, 2020)

Then, I needed to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY of my life again and see what MINIMUM ACTIONS I could take today to improve my life little by little. Like William James (father of Psychology in the USA) said:

“It's little by little we build our power"

I like the term used by Gregg Henriques of “Behavioral Activation” (BA) which is a central psychological principle in dealing with depression.

“BA is about deliberately working toward ways you can reverse cycles of avoidance and become more positively engaged in the world around you.” (Henriques, 2019)

Basically, we want to avoid what he calls “TRAPs”, which is an acronym for Trigger, Response, and Avoidance Pattern and instead TAKE ACTION!

Avoid Procrastination!

Then little by little, our old behaviors will dissipate and as neuroplasticity had proven, our new behaviors will rewire our brain (new neural pathways) and the new behaviors that serve us better will now be our new standard, our new habit.

I try to always live by this quote:

‘If someone betrays you once, it’s their fault; if they betray you twice, it’s your fault.’ Eleanor Roosevelt

But although we can use this “filter” with other people, it′s impossible to use if with ourselves, we have no choice that to have a good relationship with us, to Trust us, to Love and Care for us. And that′s when we REALIZE OUR GREATNESS and become COMPASSIONATE with ourselves. And let go the illusion of perfectionism and BE FREE to EXPERIMENT, ACCEPT and LEARN from the unavoidable “mistakes” or failures and also from the successes.

And one of the best ways to do that I have found so far is to CHANGE OUR MINDSET and LET GO OUR EGO, and take responsibility of the things you know you “should” and want to do. And Enjoy the Process more than the Results, since we don’t always have control for the latter.

Tips to Change our Mindset:

1. Cultivate your sense of purpose
2. Acknowledge your weaknesses
3. Remember the concept of neuroplasticity. Short Video: Neuroplasticity
4. Appreciate the process more than the results.
5. Take the time to reflect
6. Grow with others
7. Remember The Power of Yet (Carol S Dweck | TEDxNorrk?ping)

For more information about signs or examples of self-sabotaging I recommend reading this article: What Is Self-Sabotage? How to Help Stop the Vicious Cycle (R. Wilson, 2021)

And would like to finish with this quote from Sylvester McNutt:

References and/or Recommended Resources:

• Berg, K. (2015). Your Self-Sabotage Survival Guide: How to Go From Why Me? to Why Not?
• Brenner, B. (2019, June 19). Stop Sabotaging Yourself: Tips for Getting Out of Your Own Way. Therapy Group of NYC. https://nyctherapy.com/therapists-nyc-blog/stop-sabotaging-yourself-tips-for-getting-out-of-your-own-way/
• Henriques, G. (2019). What to Do If You Are Depressed: Behavioral Activation. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/theory-knowledge/201906/what-do-if-you-are-depressed-behavioral-activation
• Morgan, K. (2019, June 5). The Psychological Concepts That Make You Better at Breaking Bad Habits. Elemental. https://elemental.medium.com/the-psychological-concepts-that-make-you-better-at-breaking-bad-habits-9b9b1a8227e9
• R. Wilson, C. (2021, April 22). What Is Self-Sabotage? How to Help Stop the Vicious Cycle. PositivePsychology.Com. https://positivepsychology.com/self-sabotage/
• Sawhney, V. (2020, November 10). It’s Okay to Not Be Okay. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2020/11/its-okay-to-not-be-okay
• Your Dictionary. (n.d.). Self-torture Definitions | What does self-torture mean? https://www.yourdictionary.com/self-torture

Credits to: Dorothée Oung for peer review. Gregg Henriques for his articles.?