8 Ways to Disagree AND Be Kind

Today is World Kindness Day so I thought I’d post today what I’ve learnt so far about how to be kinder. I'd also love to hear from you when you’ve been part of moments of kindness. With information and misinformation coming to us so quickly, and with many of us living in social-media fuelled bubbles, it is easy to be unkind in disagreements.

We can see both online and offline heated disagreements about climate change and politics, that can test our friendships (ironic that social media was supposed to bring us closer together).

Yet we also say we want diversity in thought so we can be an inclusive and evolving society, and of course, innovation.

So how do we be more kind even though we might have different points of view (which is expected given we come from different life experiences)? Here’s what I’ve learnt (and am practising with training wheels…just ask my kids??):

1.    Listen with a Beginner’s Mind – when we have already decided to ourselves what the other person thinks and feels, we close ourselves off to what they are actually saying. Are we actually listening to hear with our hearts what they are feeling and what they likely to be needing?

“Open-mindedness is equated with positivity and growth. It helps us to take risks, find opportunities, understand others, and manage uncertainty. We also see open-minded people as more generous and kind,”

Kristi Hedges, a leadership coach, speaker and author “ The Inspiration Code” and “The Power of Presence.”

2.    Pause Before Your Speak – Taking a Mindful Pause before you speak so you can think about whether you’re about to say something mean after you’re shaking your head or body with your “No!”. We teach our kids to treat others as we would want to be treated, and yet as adults, we don’t always talk to others as we would like to be spoken to.

3.    Be More Non-Judgmental – I like Joseph Grenny, the coauthor of Crucial Conversations’s suggestion of avoiding any “judgment words” such as “short-sighted,” “foolish,” or “hasty” that might set off your counterpart; one of his tips is to cut out all adjectives, since “they have the potential to be misinterpreted or taken personally.” Share only facts. For example, instead of saying, “I think that first-quarter deadline is na?ve,” you can say, “We’ve tried four projects like this in the past, and we were able to do two in a similar time period, but those were special circumstances.” Weeks also recommends staying neutral and focused: “Lay off the players and be vivid about the problem. Try to make it an honest disagreement, a worthwhile advancement of thought.”

4.    Ask Permission to Give Your Opinion – I noticed how I felt respected even though my coach was asking permission to give me a different opinion or constructive feedback. (Pro tip: make sure you pause when you ask “Can I give you a different point of view?” otherwise your request may not sounds authentic. )

5.    Use “and” instead of “but” – when you say “and” instead of “but”, it usually makes the other person feel that you’re not in opposition with them, and are respecting their point of view, and offering an additional point of view. (For example, "I get your concern about whether the team can handle this news, and I think we should share it with them immediately as I believe that they will see it as an opportunity for growth.")

6.    Disagree and commit – I recently read how Jeff Bezos wrote to his shareholders and explained how disagreeing and committing saves a lot of time.

“If you have conviction on a particular direction even though there's no consensus, it's helpful to say, "Look, I know we disagree on this but will you gamble with me on it? Disagree and commit?" By the time you're at this point, no one can know the answer for sure, and you'll probably get a quick yes.

I disagree and commit all the time. We recently greenlit a particular Amazon Studios original. I told the team my view: debatable whether it would be interesting enough, complicated to produce, the business terms aren't that good, and we have lots of other opportunities. They had a completely different opinion and wanted to go ahead. I wrote back right away with "I disagree and commit and hope it becomes the most watched thing we've ever made." Consider how much slower this decision cycle would have been if the team had actually had to convince me rather than simply get my commitment.”

 As Bezos explains, to disagree and commit doesn't mean 'thinking your team is wrong and missing the point,' which will prevent you from offering true support.

Rather, Bezos writes, "it's a genuine disagreement of opinion, a candid expression of my view, a chance for the team to weigh my view, and a quick, sincere commitment to go their way."

7.    Find Common Ground/Humanity – next time you find yourself disagreeing with someone, try to find common ground, or at least your common humanity.

Being able to find a common ground means that you’ll both be able to listen to the validity of each other’s opinions without automatically tossing them out. After all, if you agree on one thing, you may find that you can agree on other things.

 Try the “Just Like Me” meditation which I learnt from Search Inside Yourself Leadership Institute's Engage program:

The practice reminds us how similar other people are to us, thereby creating the mental habit of equality. Visualize somebody you care about in your mind while doing the exercise. Then consider the following:

 This person has a body and a mind, just like me.

This person has feelings, emotions, and thoughts, just like me.

This person has, at some point in his or her life, been sad, disappointed,

angry, hurt, or confused, just like me.

This person has, in his or her life, experienced physical and emotional

pain and suffering, just like me.

This person wishes to be free from pain and suffering, just like me.

This person wishes to be healthy and loved, and to have ful?lling

relationships, just like me.

This person wishes to be happy, just like me.

8.    Respectfully agree to disagree – disagreements are just a part of life, and it’s not always easy to not dig into your position. However, you can respectfully agree to disagree, and that’s a much kinder way of disagreeing. Walk away from the disagreement. If it's your inner critic that you're disagreeing with, then kindly say "Thanks for warning me. I know you care about me...and I got this."

Please share below when you have been part of moments of kindness.