8 Ways To Be An Adult

8 ways to be an adult

You read that right.

But you’re already an adult, right? You don’t need to be told how to do what you’re already doing…Or do you?

How is your adult life shaping up for you? Is it what you envisaged it would be? Or do you find yourself yearning for more? Worse, do you find yourself in failed relationships and not knowing why?

Here’s the newsflash: We weren’t born with the skills we need to be adults we learn, test and measure ourselves over time.

So why do we even need to talk about this? The only thing we have is Time & Space so lets do life well...

There are 24 hours in one day we can use, or let slip away: 8 hours’ sleep (hopefully!) + 8 hours’ work + 8 hours’ play = 24hrs

Since the 1990s, most children spend eight or more hours a day in childcare, meaning they spend as little as two hours a day with their parents or carers, watching and interacting with their main role models, and seeing them model adult/parent behaviour.

(This isn’t a criticism of placing children in the care of others we all make the decisions necessary to care for our families)

Becoming an adult isn’t a matter of turning 18 no one waves a magic wand over your head…at least they didn’t over mine! It’s a process of trial and error, and the hard knocks life and relationships bring. Although we gather tools, responsibilities, and jobs along the way, ultimately we’re all our childhood selves inside, and we can easily revert to that state: when we hit resistance, or experience triggers, our inner child rears its head. We react rather than respond: we get upset, we whinge, we complain. Sound familiar?

You’re certainly not alone. Being an adult takes practice: it can take years to recognise when our inner child is taking over, to stop reverting to that state, or behaving based on how we were treated in the past.

"toddler brain" pops up when a 40yr old is throwing a tantrum, not cute at all...

Our definition of ‘adult’ also changes: what seemed ‘adult’ to us a few years ago may not be today. For example, a few years ago, I might have labelled giggling with my girlfriends, telling jokes, or sending them funny memes “immature”. Now, I firmly believe we need to have some fun in life by expressing ourselves, not taking ourselves so seriously. This kind of fun can be therapeutic in the right amounts.

Tip: Our imagination can be something we lose as we get older. Remember your imagination? It’s what you used to play, build a castle of air in your backyard when you were little, or even write stories in early high school. Yep, there it is! Take some time to rediscover it, and have some fun.

1.????Are you reacting, or responding?

Kids are sometimes allowed to overreact to throw their toys out of the cot, so to speak and have tantrums. This is part of their development, where they learn these instantaneous reactions aren’t the best course of action. As adults, we have the capacity to pause and choose our response, our next step. Reacting is a choice. If you want to be an adult, there’s no excuse for reacting, for flying off the handle. Respond to people instead. Pause before you react. Think about the effect your words and actions will have on others, and on you (stress and anger can damage your physical health).

Tip: Pause. Breathe. Are you controlling your emotions?

2.????Take responsibility for where you are in life

Sometimes life isn’t fair. Some of you were dealt a terrible hand. You can complain about it, and you’d be justified: things might have happened to you over which you had little or no control. But if you want to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and make a difference in the world, you need to accept where you are the whole box and dice. That’s the point from which you can start to build or rebuild. The way to do that is to take full responsibility for where you are: to own it completely and take your power back. Yes, many of you were victims of someone else’s actions. But continuing to think over and over of those people and their actions gives over your precious energy and power to your past circumstances. Thinking of yourself as a victim does nothing but imprison you. It’s a box you put yourself in, a label you wear. If you want to leave that prison cell, you must pick up every item in it, examine it, and contemplate it, instead of trying to simply rip it out. What does taking full responsibility for your life look like?

Tip: Therapy isn’t only for the sick...

3.????Give love all you’ve got, but do it responsibly

OK, here comes some tough love, about love.

You’ve been hurt in the past. Join the club! But loving while holding on to that past hurt isn’t love. It’s fear. You can’t hold something new while you’re carrying something old in your hands. You’ll never reach the highs of love you seek if you’re scared. It’s risky and scary, but love with all you have. If you want the good stuff, you have no choice.

Have courage.

Be vulnerable. Be your yourself. Take off the mask.

Put yourself out there, completely don't be afraid. To many of us live life afraid, would you believe mainly of not fitting in or being accepted by others.

Take that tandem jump out of a plane, so to speak; your instructor might stay silent, or they’ll give you all the guidance you need to get to earth safely. ‘But what if I get hurt?’ Well, that might happen. But what’s the other option? Love, with fear? How will that work out? You already know because you’ve been there before. It’s time to make a choice a tough one you’ll resist inside. To give and receive love as it’s meant to be, without fear, you must let go of control, what-ifs, and expectations. Stop the inner debate with logic and ego. Stand at the door of that plane and smile, knowing that loving another person with everything you have will be more about you than anybody else.

Tip: Your brain is designed to keep you safe it is not designed to get your out there to experience new things. You need to take the wheel and be in control of your life.

Tip: Relationships are about ‘serve and return’: you will only be rewarded in life in the direct proportion to which you give... Note: That doesn’t mean you give with the sole purpose of receiving. It means giving as you love: with everything you have.

The other half of loving someone is responsibility. At its heart, this means communicating: don’t leave the other person hanging. We all know starting a relationship is starting on the road to potential hurt. That’s part and parcel of love; there’s no way around it. But there’s a difference between a broken heart and the unnecessary hurt caused when you’re irresponsible, or worse, cowardly. Being vulnerable and honest showing your true self and having tough conversations takes courage. It takes courage to set boundaries, be selfless, and love responsibly.

Tip: A ‘disclosure’ session is a safe place to start those tough conversations.

4.????Be honest

Be honest with others, but more importantly, be honest with yourself. Lies make terrible foundations. Children can believe their own lies because they can live in a fantasy world. But if you keep lying to yourself into adulthood, you won’t develop beyond your childhood emotions. You won’t be everything you are, which will hold you back from everything you want. You’ll essentially be invisible. Scary, right?

Is there a hard truth you need to face in your life right now? Why is it so hard to swallow? I’ll give you a hint: it’s most likely because of fear. What if you finally accepted that truth? How different would your life be? What kind of person could you be for others?

5.????How’s your ego?

We all need a healthy dose of ego. In this case, I’m referring to an unhealthy measure of ego, where people are ego-driven, manipulating everything to revolve around them, and be about them, so all eyes are always on them. What these people don’t know is their ego is blocking their potential.

Ego is the ‘second wall’ (along with fear) that keeps you from becoming your best self. Your power always lies in giving, not taking. We all have egos, and they can take over quickly. Being an adult means being aware of this, and choosing to approach situations from a different place. Children use their egos; adults use their hearts.

6.????Call people back!

We rarely call each other any more. Why call when we can just text? We’re so used to texting and DMs that real voices can cause us anxiety! (When did that happen?) Technology helps us hide behind our phones, instead of using them as intended.

If someone calls you, please call them back. The fact they’re calling means they want to talk to you, not text you. Don’t let technology create gaps and disconnects in your relationships. Technology should be a tool that connects us, not a wedge that separates us. Adults call people back, follow through and do what they say they are going to do. They are a reliable a trusted confidant...

7.????Take care of your own problems

Children make their problems your problems. They don’t yet have the insight or ability to think about other people’s feelings or circumstances. They blurt everything out, with no filter. And like their tantrums, we allow it because they’re children. Adults have the capacity to control their speech and consider others, but many can choose not to. To be an adult, you must be aware of your own biases, challenges, issues, and triggers, and how they affect other people, especially in your relationships. If you don’t take care of your own problems boundaries can be blurred, and before you know it, you’ll be in an adult/child relationship instead of an adult/adult relationship. Don’t be surprised if one day your partner tells you their feelings have changed. The truth is the dynamic shifted, and so did their feelings.

Tip: After 38 years of marriage, I know my own behaviour is the only thing I can control. Like you, I can never change another person; I can only change myself. (I’m grateful my husband learned this too; we learned together). #lessonslearned

8.????Make room for gratitude

Children want it all, and they want it now. Adults’ wants are different. Well, some adults just want it all and want it now…but they’re not really adults. If you want everything, when you want it, and always on your terms, you crowd out gratitude; adults practice gratitude.

Be grateful for everything, all of it including every last thing you want to rip out of that prison cell, all your failed relationships, challenges, struggles, ups and downs. You’ll get through all that, just as you have before. Be grateful for all your life lessons. Although their fire burned you, it also forged you and moved you toward becoming your best self. Be grateful for all your relationships, even (especially!) the challenging ones. Be grateful you can choose. Be grateful you can choose to be an adult.

Tip: If you grew up with loving, caring parents who kept you physically and emotionally safe, you’re in the minority; be grateful. Just as you learn to become an adult, you also learn to become a parent, a grandparent, etc. Your parents were learning ‘on the job’.

Great #rolemodels and #mentors on the ground are underestimated in our society. I’m not talking about the coaches with millions of followers; I’m talking about real, wise counsellors around you. #checkin with someone like that in your life; they’re born teachers who’ll want to share and communicate with you in person…not spitting out hundreds of answers to your every question, like Google does!

Bonus tip: Abusing alcohol and allowing it to play an unwanted role in your relationship is not an adult decision. Help is available; you just need to be serious about changing your behaviours to change the lives of your family.

Taking a #selfish approach to your poor habits is not being an adult; it’s childish behaviour.?

So, I’ve dished out some tough love here, I write these newsletters with the utmost love and respect for you all. They won’t always be relevant to you, but they may help someone you know. Please feel free to share this with someone who might need it. #Building #Happier #Communities