8 Steps to Achieving Forgiveness

This week my posts have centered on forgiveness.

Some people have reached out personally with many a question.

Some have asked, “So what do I do if I just want to punch them out or tell them off?”

Don’t do it.

Here are eight steps you can take to the path of forgiveness:

? Identify the Pain. Take a moment to identify the person and the situation that hurt you. When, where, and how did this happen?

? Remove the Emotion and Look for Facts. List all of the facts of the situation as they occurred. Remove all of your opinions of judgments from the situation. As you look for the facts, also identify all of your contributions to the situation. This includes things you did and didn’t do.

? Relinquish Blame and Justification. Even if you think you are justified, and you might be, give up all your mental gymnastics where you make the offending party the villain and you play the part of the victim. This requires that you give up the thinking that fuels your feelings.

? Put Their Shoes on Your Feet. Take their perspective by asking yourself, “What might she or he be thinking or feeling that would cause them to say and do what they did?” I know you may not actually know what is going on with them, but you have to get out of yourself and think from a different perspective.

? Surface Your Thinking. When we are offended, there are all these negative thoughts and judgments swirling around in your head. These thoughts often go unidentified. Finish this sentence at least 30 times. “I am state your emotion because … .” The longer the list of reasons for your anger, hurt, and frustration, the better.

?? Challenge Thinking Accuracy. Once you have a long list of sentences that serve to fuel your feelings, read them, and ask yourself: “Is this absolutely true?” or “What in my recitation of the events, did I leave out or purposely omit?” You should discover that what you are thinking is not entirely true or accurate. This should help you shift out of the feelings you are currently feeling.

? Release. A negative situation where we are wrong can have great control and power over your life. To release that hold, you might try any of the following:

?? Write a letter to the offending party with all of the passion, purpose, and profanity that you can muster, then take the letter outside and burn it. Then do a happy dance when it is destroyed.

?? Visualize the situation over again in your mind’s eye, only this time imagine the events of the situation going differently with different outcomes.

?? Give up the telling of your story of the situation to others. It only recreates negative energy which is like pouring gasoline on a fire.

? Forgive Yourself. Often times we are so angry with ourselves for some of the choices we have made or because of the far reaching consequences of our actions. You must develop self-compassion and care while remembering that everyone makes mistakes remembering you are valuable and worthy as a person. ?

Forgiveness is not easy. It requires patience, time, and a commitment to move past the situation into a more joyful place.

What have you found helpful to help to forgive others when you have been wronged?

?I’m passionate about people, getting along and getting results. When I’m not writing, I am speaking or teaching people how to talk about what matters most. Most professionals run into people and team issues more regularly than they want to admit but hate the downside of botched conversations or the cost of training their entire team. Sound familiar? I’m offering a free 30-minute one-on-one coaching call if you’d like some quick tips - or bundled hours should you need more. If you’re interested, let’s jump on a call to see how I can help you.?Click here to schedule a call.

John R. Stoker is the author of??"Overcoming Fake Talk"??and the president of??DialogueWORKS, Inc.??His organization helps clients and their teams improve leadership engagement in order to achieve superior results. He is an expert in the fields of leadership, change, dialogue, critical thinking, conflict resolution, and emotional intelligence, and has worked and spoken to such companies as Cox Communications, Lockheed Martin, Honeywell and AbbVie. Connect with him on??Facebook?,??LinkedIn?, or??Twitter?.??