8 Reasons Why I Should Be Prime Minister

As I hope you know, there is a general election coming. In #Battle4Number10, we are faced with the usual mix of wealthy (by global standards) career politicians who don't really represent any kind of real change between them. They remind me of the head boy type at school. Yeah, I get you're reasonably smart. I get you believe in the ideals and ethos of the school. I even get that you might possibly believe some of the stuff you spout about honesty and responsibility … but you're still a bit of a tosser. I include Nigel Farage in that assessment. He is not an alternative. He is the most establishment figure in British politics, more entrenched in the system than Cameron, Clegg and Miliband could ever be. Being the same as these 3 isn't a crime but making out your different from them when you're not is bad. It is called lying. So what are the alternatives if it isn't #itrhymeswithgarage? Well, can I humbly suggest myself?

Apart from my chiselled good looks, fierce intellect and my ability to look good kissing a baby what do I bring to the table? Well, I'm not weird and nasal. I'm not so smug that you're scared that after two pints you might want to punch me. Anyway, I think the #TopGear lads conclusively proved that approach is sub-optimal. Neither am I so painfully middle class that I am terrified of offending people. And - this bit is important - I'm not Nigel Farage either. On top of that, I have a few ideas which could amount to "sensible policies for a happier Britain".

1. Take the Olympic village and turn it into housing for all MPs whose constituencies' are beyond the M25 - they have to live there when parliament was in session unless you get a grace and favour house like No 10 or 11 Downing Street. This would reduce security costs as all the MPs would be in place. There would also be no expense claims for dodgy second houses, duck houses, moats, rent a room from father/mother/boyfriend/dog etc. It is also 15 minutes on the Jubilee Line from Stratford to Westminster so a very easy commute by London standards. MPs representing constituencies inside the M25 would have to live in their constituencies and commute to work like the rest of us.
2. MPs would have to live in their constituencies and would have to send their children to the local state school. Controversial but there'd be no more weak state schools, I guarantee it. There would also be a massive saving because as state schools improve then you wouldn't need the schools' inspection arm of OfSTED … because they'd all be good. I can’t take credit for this idea. It was my sister's @sidstratton - an award winning garden designer and amateur political strategist.
3. My environmental policy is a subtle and nuanced piece of work that doesn't actually exist in detail. However, it would be underpinned by a very simple philosophy of "More Trees, Less Arseholes". It would inform every environmental decision my government would make.
4. Make Jeremy Clarkson Home Secretary and George Monbiot Chancellor, sell tickets to the inevitable punch up and use the proceeds to pay of the National Debt. Clarkson represents everything that I dislike yet I find him amusing, watchable and interesting. Monbiot represents everything I stand for but when I read his articles they are so earnest that I want to kill myself. There is method in my madness. It would help me resolve a conflict within me that I suspect is in a lot of you too. I am no ideologue - neither left or right wing but rather conservative on some issues and liberal on others. We need a government that reflects that.
5. Put a dishwasher in every home in the UK. If you want to do something that will improve everybody's quality of life do this. It is affordable, it will unshackle our country from the kitchen sink and be hugely popular …I mean, really. Who wouldn't be grateful for having to do less washing up?
6. I would pay teachers properly. And I mean properly. @domnorrish - IT supremo at ULT - highlighted this article on his Twitter feed and it got me thinking. ￡40K a year and on the job training for Maths and Physics PhD grads to teach. Sounds good when you consider NQTs can expect basic starting salaries of between ￡21,600 and ￡27,000. But it isn't real money. If it is about the money then let's make it about the money. Let's pay teachers closer to commercial wages and see what happens. All NQTs should start at ￡40K. Peg Headteacher salaries to the Prime Minister's and enable them to earn performance bonuses over and above that. And don't tell me that teaching is a vocation. Don't tell me teaching shouldn't be about the money. That the salary isn't important. You try getting a teacher to show up for work without one. But the counter is if you're not good enough you have to go. And there wouldn't be 13 weeks leave a year. You would have to apply for your 25 days of annual leave that could only be taken in holiday time. So the time you weren't on leave you would have to be teaching summer school and extra lessons, planning lessons, reviewing your performance etc.
7. Keep the BBC license fee. It is worth it. The website alone is worth it. Watching the Olympics without adverts is worth it. Watching the news without adverts is worth it. Anyway, if you commercialise it or move to some kind of subscription model, you'll end up with Rupert Murdoch and Rebekah Brooks. You'll end up with sleazy, alcoholic reporters hacking a dead girl's voicemails. You'll end up with Piers Morgan and Johan Hari. You'll end up with Kay Burleigh.
8. I would also appoint Seb Coe to a key role in the Cabinet. He is awesome and he organised an awesome Olympics. Any government would be smarter and better with him in it. And David Mitchell as well. For the same reason.

So vote for me. I'm not them. I'm me … with some cool ideas thrown in.