72 Hours Is Not Enough

Parents need more when a lifetime of memories are shattered

My son Nick died four weeks ago. He was 23 years old, and I cannot put into words how much I miss him.? Nor can I describe the depth of pain that follows.? This post is not just my story but also the story of countless working parents who’ve been forced to navigate the darkest days of their lives after losing a child.? For me, the agony began on May 2nd, at 8:42am.

Nick’s mother, Kimberly Anderson , was first to feel the utter heartbreak.? He adored her beyond any and all measure. She faced the ER medical staff as they delivered news that shattered her. The overwhelming wave of grief and disbelief was visible when Nick's twin brother, Noah, found Kimberly. From the look of agony on her face, Noah knew. The bond between twins is profound, and learning of Nick’s fate impacted Noah as well. Moments later, Noah called me, and I could hear the agony in his struggling voice, “Dad…he died…Nick just died”.? Those words broke me into pieces.

The shock, sorrow, and grief – it’s a burden no parent should have to bear. And yet, in this time of profound need, many company bereavement policies offer little solace. I'm lucky, having a company provide me time to manage Nick’s affairs and family and friends I could lean on for support.? The stark reality, though, is countless parents are without a similar support system.? On average, they are given just three to five days to mourn, plan, and attend their child's funeral. 72 hours to five days to process a lifetime of love and memories that have been shattered. It's not enough.

I returned to work recently, and it hasn’t been easy. It helps when I think of Nick always smiling when he’d say, “Chin up and shoulder’s back, old man”.? He’d always been confident growing up, and his four years as a Marine made him even more determined in life.? In between emails, Zoom calls and CRM updates, I’m discovering what my life is without my son. I couldn’t fathom being back at my desk just 72 hours after bidding farewell to Nick.??

Even more daunting is that single parents are often left to shoulder the responsibility alone.? I ache knowing the agony they feel and yet they still must be emotionally strong for any surviving children.? All while trying to overcome an unimaginable financial strain to return to the office too soon.? This unbearable grief is deepened when their short bereavement is over and any additional time away is often unpaid.

After a devastating loss, it’s shown that returning to work too soon can worsen a parent’s emotional distress and be a catalyst for long-term mental health issues. When the average funeral cost in the United States is about $10,000, financial pressures mount.? But the time required to plan and conduct a proper farewell is about 10 days.?Paying tribute to Nick and allowing his family and friends to do the same would not have happened in a mere few days.

Hours before Noah called me, Nick sent a text that he’d already bought a Mother’s Day gift for Kimberly and he'd send me a picture that night. Instead, that evening, I was sitting with his mom having to confirm details for Nick’s eventual death certificate.? About 48 hours after my son died, I was walked around a funeral home and having to decide what photo we’d include with Nick’s eulogy.? As they showed selections of caskets and urns, I was numb and still in disbelief.? At this point, I would have used half or even more of the time most bereavement policies allow.

I remember so vividly when Nick and Noah were born.? I was an amazingly proud Dad and Kimberly had the calming glow that settles in on a new mother.? As with any parent, the support for the birth of a child is championed and rightfully so. Maternity and paternity leave is widely recognized and can range from several weeks to months.? The medical, emotional and bonding time is critical.? Why then, when a child dies, are the emotional and practical demands not as significant?? The disparity of bringing life into the world and ushering that life out is not only unfair but cruel. Parents need time to grieve, to heal, and rebuild their lives after such a devastating loss.

It was the fourth day after Nick died that I was on my laptop sitting on the couch with Noah, Kimberly, and Nick’s almost fiancé, Alexis, looking through thousands of pictures of Nick’s smiling face.? We were trying our best to select photos for his tribute. Five days after Nick died, Kimberly and I bid farewell to our son, and Noah to his brother. It was a tribute I truly believe Nick would have been proud of.? The next day, I stared at flowers the funeral home delivered and a list of things still needing to be done. I cried, hoping in vain that I’d wake up from all of this.??

This is the story of so many parents and, sadly, a story that will soon unfold for many more. We must do better as employers, policymakers, and communities to recognize that bereavement is not a compassionate gesture but a necessary and an essential part of honoring a life. I know there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but I also know 72 hours doesn’t acknowledge the profound impact of losing a child, much less the time needed to personally grieve.

~ Posted not for condolence...but in memory of Nick to draw attention to those who lack adequate bereavement to properly find solace ~