7 Ways You Convey Weaknesses When Attempting To Appear Strong (and How To Stop Doing So)

1. Put-downs Don’t Build You Up.

No one with real strength points out the weaknesses of others. Ever. In fact, they don’t even point out how strong they are; they assume that it is recognized. Clay Matthews III has never said, “I’m a tough dude.” He knows that if you follow football you know he’s bad. If you ever say, “I can kick that guy’s butt,” literally or in business-speak, apologize and run to your office for some mirror work. Specifically, ask yourself, “What the heck am I afraid of?” No one with real power discusses power, so touting yours or denigrating someone else’s is proof positive that you have doubts about the horsepower under your hood.

2. Hogging The Stage/Spotlight.

Think to yourself: What sort of person shouts, “Me, me, me,” or, “What about me”? Right: A two-year-old or a pathetic narcissist. Good deeds, like?Ivory Snow?bars of soap and corks, naturally float to the top. Yes, in business there is fierce competition to be noticed for your good work, but anyone who is a true success knows that if you do good work it is ultimately recognized.

He or she also knows that clamoring to be noticed is read, sooner or later, as not having the goods. If you watched Biden v. Ryan you saw one man interrupt the other incessantly; clamoring to make his point or pushing his weight around to prevent his opponent from making his. I guarantee that if Gallup takes a poll in two weeks and asks, “Who is smarter; Joe Biden or Paul Ryan?” the guy who interrupted the other most in the Vice Presidential debate will be judged dumber of the two.

3. You Are Not?Jerry Seinfeld; Stop Trying To Be Clever.

Wit and humor work only if unscripted, spontaneous, and in responsive to the moment. When Joe Biden took a shot at Paul Ryan by saying, “Oh, so you think you’re Jack Kennedy?” you could tell he rehearsed the line?ad nauseum?in preparation for the debate. Even if you are too young to remember how that line was used by Lloyd Bentsen to kick Dan Quayle in the gut when Bentsen said, “Senator; I knew Jack Kennedy, and you are no Jack Kennedy,” if you saw the 2012 Vice Presidential debate you recognized that Biden’s attempt to exploit it was a?non sequitur. As such, it came off as an ineffectual dud, not a memorable bit of political repartee.

In the vernacular most folks use, rehearsing gotcha lines falls under the heading of being “too cutesy.” If you feel yourself grabbed by a gag, use it. Otherwise, avoid being cutesy like the plague and act like a professional at all times. Doing anything less belies an insecurity that cannot be hidden by smartass lines. All these would be zingers do is expose Achilles heels.

4. People Pleasers Are Putzes.

If you saw Biden v. Ryan you had to wonder why, when he wasn’t sneering and smirking, Mr. Biden seemed acted like a?ma?tre d?welcoming a big-tipper to his restaurant.

This is a common mistake made by folks who want to appear in command but are fearful of being seen as out-of-control: They ingratiate, fawn, and act as though they are oozing with?noblesse oblige, when it fact they are confused putzes.

Shakespeare said, “A borrower nor a lender be.” If you want to appear dominant and in charge, try, “A bully nor a lap dog be.” Don’t push your weight around and don’t assume you can be buddies with everyone. Just?be, and if you have merit it will become manifest.

5. Fights Are Almost Never Fights-to-the-Death.

Business?battles are played-out in boardrooms or conference rooms, not the?Coliseum.?Executives are not expected to be gladiators and, in fact, are looked at askance if they adopt that sort of posture vis-à-vis others. Fighting too hard to prevail is a sign of not knowing how to pick your spots, recognizing when and where you “go to the mat” for something, or having the smarts to know what matters vs. what’s meaningless.

In sum, not having the internal rheostat that tells you, “This isn’t worth drawing blood” or, when appropriate, “Now is the time to pull out all the stops,” shows you to be lacking the “stuff” of a true powerhouse. If you see every fight as a do-or-die battle, you need to return to basic training for a primer on if and when to wage war.

6. Criticism Should Be Seen As Constructive

Folks who self-destruct in their efforts to appear strong won’t read this column. Why? They cannot comprehend that criticism can be constructive. As a shrink, a coach, a spouse, and a parent, I have always tried to give critical feedback that helps. What matters more than my efforts to be constructive in criticism is the recipient’s?a priori?attitude toward it: Can you use what a critic says, well-put or poorly worded, to help improve yourself. If you are strong, you assume that corrective feedback is always beneficial. If you are a pretender, you ward-off criticism like a contagious virus; assuming, inaccurately, that “letting it in” weakens you.

7. False Pride Is A Killer.

The basic rule of thumb for recognizing you are belying weakness by trying too hard to appear strong is more important that the rest. It is the most fundamental and, if ignored, the most fatal. It is,?evincing false pride.

This Cardinal Sin exposes a person’s insecurity more completely than anything else he can do. As famed psychoanalyst Carl G. Jung noted, “Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune.” If you overcompensate for that “voice,” you will self-destruct for sure.

Contrary to common sense psychology, those who “got it” never flaunt it; just the opposite: If you “got it” you are relaxed, confident that others see it, and will pat you on the back for a job well done. Any and everything that you do to tout your competence with actions or statements that convey a, “Whoa… was that a home run, or what?” results in one, and only one message being sent: That you fear you don’t belong in the Big Leagues.