The 7 Ways We Attract A Narcissist

The 7 Ways We Attract a Narcissist

Have you ever been with a narcissist or with someone you thought was a narcissist? Did you know there are 7 ways we allow them in our life?

If you have ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, my heart breaks for you. The turmoil, the gaslighting, the confusion: it is overwhelming. I know because I’ve married two of them!

Of all the books, articles, and resources on being with a narcissist: the information focuses on the narcissist. How to handle one, how to spot one, and what causes one. But I want to talk about the person that’s attracted to the narcissist, which may be you. This is going to be groundbreaking for you but it’s going to be difficult.?

You play a part in the relationship and the dynamic with the narcissist. You cannot divorce yourself from the truth and responsibility that you chose to be with a narcissistic individual. Take me - I had millions of women to “chase”, yet I chose two narcissistic women. That is my responsibility. I am the problem there. We all have the responsibility and ownership of whom we allow into our life. Though you may not have known at the time, you are still responsible. You need to accept these hard truths to get what you really desire: true love.?

What makes you attracted to a narcissist? It’s a two-way street. Narcissists are created, not born. It’s a result of neglect, abuse, and more. They experience massive trauma, drop the person they truly are and develop a personality to survive. The reverse is true for people like myself and you if you have been with a narcissist. We have gone through horrific trauma. The narcissist is over-empowered but we are at the mercy of their power, or under-empowered. It’s essentially two narcissists operating in polar opposite ways. One is not better than the other - you have two mutually broken people. The beauty is: the under-empowered, like us, have a chance to recover.

As under-empowered people, we were so love-starved and hungry for affection that we were willing to do anything to get it. That’s why we are attracted to narcissists. They’re charming, sexual, and manipulative: it feeds our hunger. But that hunger gives us a chance for recovery. It keeps us vulnerable.

Before we dive too much deeper, let’s talk about the attraction and how this dynamic works. Our brain and body get addicted to what we know. We all become like our childhood. You may be saying “My childhood was great! I don’t know what you’re talking about.” This just shows how much denial you’re in. If you had a healthy and “normal” childhood: you would never go near a narcissist. Attraction is based on known experience. Our brain knows known and unknown, not good and bad. We experience an electric connection with a narcissist because it’s what we know. Find yourself wiping past people on dating sites? You’re bored by them because they haven’t experienced similar trauma as you. There’s no electricity, but that electricity is dangerous. You’re attracted to the narcissist due to the electricity and the electricity comes from your childhood trauma.?

It can be difficult to see the red flags - if you are young, you can be so detached from your emotions that it’s impossible. But as you age, you will see and feel those red flags instantly. I saw it the moment I met my second wife. My first thought was “she’s the devil”! Was she actually the devil? Of course not. Narcissists are not evil, they are severely broken and damaged people.?

What are the 7 ways we attract a narcissist?

1. We knew from the beginning. We see the red flags. And we ignore them.?
2. We think we can fix them. We see the capability and flaws, thinking we can help from our under-empowered position. There’s so much chemistry that we want to keep so we try to manipulate and fix them.
3. We are obsessed with figuring them out. We Google, we talk to them about it, we need answers. We are under-empowered and want to be fed, so we obsess over them to get what we crave.?
4. We do everything we can to control their actions and behavior to get them to stop. We throw fits, we complain, we throw it in their face. Some of us are aggressive, some of us do it silently when we are extremely under-empowered.?
5. We try to become whatever the narcissist wants. We become chameleons. I changed the way I dress, my career choices, and more to appease my first wife. And sometimes we want to change but need to blame someone else for the choice, so we pick a narcissist that we know will make us change for them. But oftentimes it won’t be a decision you want to make.?
6. We keep going back to them, but we keep blaming them. We are stuck reliving the abuse. Abuse in childhood is so difficult but our brain and body get addicted to it so we seek it out. We do this to get our power back. We have to realize that this is a two-sided dynamic where both parties have responsibility. If there is dysfunction on one side, there has to be dysfunction on the other side.?
7. We can’t take ownership and we always play the victim. We cannot see the part we play in the relationship. All articles and chatlines focus on the narcissist and completely blame them. There is always a lack of ownership. Every relationship is 50/50. You must stand up for yourself and not keep yourself the victim. Now I am not blaming you - we do not know any better until we learn! You can’t be blamed for something you weren’t even aware of. Now that you’re aware, you are responsible for your actions. You’re responsible for healing yourself and choosing the people in your life.?

Whatever you allow into your life is your responsibility. If I’m allowing poor behavior, that’s a reflection on me. I didn’t know what to do then, but now I take ownership.?

We are two sides of the same coin, but the beauty is our side is more likely to get help. Please go get help. Stop playing the victim, stop manipulating from the under-empowered position. Don’t repeat the victimhood against yourself. You suffered tremendously in childhood. If you aren’t in touch with that, you are detached from the truth just as much as a narcissist. My hope is this plays in the back of your mind and if you continue to choose poor relationships, its truth will come through when you want to heal.

Work with an expert on childhood trauma recovery and learn about codependency, love addiction, and love avoidance. Become an expert in how you were also a narcissist. You will be able to stop this dynamic.?