7 Ways to Respond to Your Child Who Invites You into Their Q+ World

By now you would have known that I don't like to use the term "Coming Out" as evidenced by my second TEDxTalk . I prefer the phrase "Inviting In". I also have heard of "Letting In", "Telling", or simply "Sharing."

When my kiddo shared her true gender identity with me, I struggled like mad to do the right thing, sadly, every turn I took was the wrong turn. Hence my constant saying that I've made all the mistakes so you don't ever have to.

Naturally, my incorrect and unaffirming actions were born out of wrong and unaffirming thoughts. So, you can imagine my horror when I scrolled onto this video clip earlier this morning on Instagram. While I understand that the intent is to loosen up the grip of the coming out process and even attempt to make humor of it, I beg to differ.

...mainly because it is life and death for some people.

I am happy that the first words in the clip were from the youth's mother, asking her to turn on the air conditioner... so “mom” could technically continue the line of request and not appear to switch the conversation.

HOWEVER, my issue here is that this “child’s” very significant announcement appears to be ‘trivialized’ in the clip. For many children/youth, this is probably one of the most important announcements they will ever make to their parents.

So, while the actress' parents in this clip are OK with it, almost diminishing it to “nothing/no biggie”, this announcement means everything to the child! Aaaaand too many parents are often NOT OK with it.

For example, Black and Indigenous families are very different from White families. Conversations like these SELDOM EVER go the way this skit portrays them in our families. So, the clip also lacks the cultural context of other races.

Another thing that’s evident here is, that this “child” did not know or understand the significance of the phrase, “crawling with gay people”, or, that conversation was not normalized at home previously. So she decidedly thought her parents would react differently than the way they did.

Far too many children are kicked out, physically beaten, sexually assaulted, or shunned by family members after such an announcement. Some even lose their lives…So, for enough of us, the next moments after we say the words, "I am gay..." may very well be our last...

Savvy?

My fervent prayer of course is that one day, we shall have a world where clips like these are no longer needed. But, for now, it's necessary to talk about it...

I decided to compile this list of 7 ways to respond to your child when they invite you in...I posted my thoughts earlier in my Facebook community and a few moms have tackled the post with amazing responses...

One mom, whom we shall call "MWB" started with a fundamental observation. "Mom is not in with her kid." She understood that this mom did not recognize how distraught her daughter was and that the most immediate thing to have done for this "youth", would have been to validate her emotions right away.

I shot this reel afterward, asking parents to essentially meet their children exactly where they are emotionally. Our vibrations must match our kids, friends, or truly anyone who is visibly upset and sharing something so important with us. We must, therefore, first ACKNOWLEDGE them and validate their emotions.

Some examples #MamaBeast MWB offered were so good, that I have shared them in her own words here: "...We have a high-intensity 5 y.o. at home and I have coined the phrase "feelings first" with how we deal with her. So often it's an easy fix, but her emotional overflow has made it 10x harder to get there. So we stop and give her a big comforting hug first. We sit and co-regulate her emotional state. Then we address the cause of the meltdown. How else will she learn to calm herself down to face whatever easy or hard stuff comes her way?

I'd do that with my crying teen. I see crying and upset, so address that with an offer of a hug. Bring her close, get in it with her. Then listen to what she has to say. Then an understated reaction is fine. "Oh, you're gay? That's cool. Did you know that we have lots of gay people in the family?" Or "I was wondering when you were going to come out to me. I hope you know that I love you just the way you are. I'm sorry you would doubt that.". Or with curiosity "Thanks for telling me. How long have you known?" Or "It sounds like you've been thinking about this for a while. Is there a reason you didn't come to me sooner?" Or whatever. The connection is what matters."

Another mom whom we shall call "CB" added the following: "These parents could have appreciated the gravity of the daughter’s turmoil but I am sure they were a little disappointed she was worried. A family ‘swimming in gays’ should have made it a casual discussion, not a worrisome thing on the daughter’s part. “Yes you are feeling scared honey, but look at the support and non-judgement this family has already displayed. Let’s talk about moving forward after you have a grip on yourself feelings and realize you are loved and safe.”

I could stop the newsletter here, but...I promised you 7, so here we go...

2. CONGRATULATE them for their self-discovery, that means a LOT. Chances are, she has known for a loooong time before venturing to tell you. I stole this point from a recent guest on my podcast . I thought it was so cool that her default is to congratulate the child.

3. THANK THEM for inviting you into their amazing world. It is an honor and a privilege to be invited into someone’s queer world. Studies show that very often, parents are the last to know. Kids often prefer to tell their friends, peers, aunties (yes, aunties), or other supportive family members first for fear of their parents' reactions.

So, if you find yourself as the “designated aunty”, pr first to know, then your job as an ally is cut out for you...

4. CELEBRATE the announcement with them. Yes, even if you have known your entire life or like me, have suspected for a very long time, still celebrate it! And do so that very moment, not later. A HUG, a KISS, a FIST BUMP, a CAKE, something, but, please DO celebrate!

And of course, as mentioned above, bearing in mind your child's mood. When emotions have been normalized, we can then celebrate!

5. ASK THEM how you can help/support them. Parents are not only the most IMPORTANT, but we are also the most INFLUENTIAL persons in our kids’ lives…so what we think, say, and do MATTERS.

Asking them how you can support them leaves them in the driver's seat. It allows them to continue owning their reality and autonomy and prevents you from taking over. It also ensures you don't blurt it out to persons they might not wish to tell...yet.

My ex-husband was so unsupportive, that my kiddo truly did not want to have anything to do with him. Your child might feel the same way about other family members. So, asking them is crucial here.

6. DECIDE TO SUPPORT, aka, become an ally!

My definition of the word ally is “someone who sees my fight, fights for me, and fights with me.” So, the moment you are invited in is the moment your allyship, advocacy, and activism are born.

7. GET HELP! Yes, asking for help is no longer viewed as a sign of weakness. So, get all the help you (and possibly your child) need for the journey. My PRIDE Corner is a coaching and consulting practice that helps families along their affirmation journey.

We have 3-month and 6-month packages and we can help take the stress of the process away from you. For more info, or if you’d like help with YOUR coming out process as a PARENT OR ALLY… My coaching program helps you go from fear, uncertainty, and overwhelm to confident, sassy, and out loud in a minimum of 12 short weeks.

Soooooooo tag! You are it!

See you inside. ??

Signed,

Dr. Lulu Your Fun, Fabulous and Fierce MamaBeast