7 ways to grab some self care (when dealing with dickheads)

This isn't a blog about how to deal with dickhead clients. My approach to that will depend completely on what mood I'm in or what exactly the dickheadishness has entailed.

This blog is about all the ways to make yourself feel better when a client makes you feel like shit. Simple.

I don't care what anyone bloody says about 'only working with the best' clients. We all want that, for sure, but the reality doesn't - and can't - work like that. You can do whatever you like to ensure you attract the people you really want to work with (I certainly try hard to do that myself and I'm successful 95% of the time), but there is no magic formula to guaranteeing that a certain way or method of attraction will be foolproof.

This is because business relationships are like any other relationship. You don't know someone's a complete fuckwit until you move them into your head, your heart, or your house. In fact, business relationships can be the most intense relationships of all, because they can often permeate all three in some shape or form. Plus they're centred on money, so... it's binding.

I've generally always worked with amazing clients and even absolute dream clients (the ones who completely trust me to get on with things and return them some brilliant results in the process), but I didn't know just how wonderful they were until I actually started working with them. Therefore, the whole attraction thing has to be at least, in part, wishful thinking. For as long as there is a net, people will always slip through it. I think people are scared of admitting this for fear of sounding like a failure. You're not a failure. But the dickhead client? They're a dickhead.

Whether the whole thing comes down to bad luck or even bad judgement, either way, you'll feel like shit when you work with a dickhead, so here are 7 ways to make yourself feel a hell of a lot better in the aftermath and give yourself some much talked about self care. Oh, and feel free to use whatever definition of 'dickhead' that you like. There are literally hundreds.

1. Walk away. If you can, you should get the hell out. I know this is easier said than done, but honestly, I'd rather give someone all their money back than continue in a relationship where it's clear I'm not valued. Nobody's going to give you a medal at the end for repeatedly allowing your buttons to be pushed, your boundaries to be blurred and your piss to be ripped clean out of you. I'd rather lose money than sleep, dignity or self-esteem, thanks. Get out if you can.
2. Think of the money. If, for whatever reason - and it's totally your call, here - you can't walk away as per point number 1, think of the money as a means to your self care fulfillment. Think of the lovely things you can buy, the wonderful places you can go, or the horrible debts you can pay off and kiss goodbye with that cash. Attribute every penny of that invoice to something that's going to take you closer to a dream - or further away from a nightmare. This makes things a lot easier to deal with, in my view. It makes the whole thing less of a loss.
3. Don't think of the money. If the dickheadishness of your clients extends to non-payment, I'm so, so sorry. Not only have I been there, my friend, but I paid the fucking rent for a good while, too. Shaft City. Population: A very naive Jo. Everything is going through your mind right now, and I'd say this is one of the lowest points you can reach when you're a small business. I know it's hard, but unless you can resolve it legally and civilly, it's better for your mental health to move on. But, if you're not ready for that just yet, at least move on to point number 4...
4. Update your Ts & Cs. When a dickhead slips through the net, see it as your friendly reminder to go get a better net. There's always a lesson to be learned from these people. Learn it. The push to make us stronger, slicker, and more sustainable (mentally as well as financially) in the future is the one gift these dickheads give us. Take it.
5. Go and read your testimonials. People only write those things when they think you're wonderful and that you've done brilliant things for them. Reading their words reminds you that not only are you indeed wonderful and capable of brilliant things, but that there are people out there who have publicly showered you with cash and kindness for precisely those reasons. Self care that lasts forever.
6. Go and give someone else a testimonial. The best way to feel better about yourself is to make someone else feel better about themselves. In my little fairytale world, at least. It might be someone who you actually do owe a testimonial to (we all forget to write them, at times), or it might be someone you could give a shout-out to on social media by tagging a business when a member of their team has given you great customer service. You never know what good may come of that one.
7. Make a list of all your favourite clients. I know we're supposed to say that they're all our favourites, and you're a professional, so you'll make sure that everyone feels absolutely number one in your world, but we all have favourites, don't we? Make a list, smile fondly at all those brilliant names, then drop each of those people an email, message or note. Not to pitch or anything like that. Just a note to tell them they're ace and that you've always loved working with them. Who doesn't like to hear stuff like that on a random Tuesday afternoon? And you never know, they may just reply.

I hope that some of the items in this self care list are helpful to you on those days when you wonder why the hell you ever left your 'stable career' (Christ, don't tell my mum I have days like that, I'll never hear the end of it). I always take two lessons from any bad day I have, though...

One, learn from it. I've spoken on many stages, sofas and podcasts about dealing with the shit side of business and the lows that can come from being a freelancer, in particular. I'm never going to say it's character building, as I believe that your character is shaped just as much by the good influences as the bad ones, but it is business building. My Ts & Cs are built purely on a series of god-awful (or just plain silly) mistakes, truly terrible judgements, and 'fuck me sideways I did not see that coming' dalliances.

And two, don't let it stop you from being a nice person, a decent human, and the antidote to the dickhead pandemic. I've written previously about not wanting to simply grow a thick skin, and I'll stand by that view for as long as I live and love my job. I would hate anyone to feel the way that a very small minority of my clients in the past have made me feel (the passive aggressive ones as well as the aggressive - not sure which are more vile, to be honest). I see it as my self care mission to redress the balance, so I make a point of doing something nice for someone on a day where someone's done the opposite to me.

And yes, I know that those minority clients could be sitting there right now and classifying ME as the dickhead (because it takes two to tango and all that), but put it this way, if you come out of the interaction or relationship feeling like you're being used, taken advantage of, or feeling worthless to the point where the whole thing drains and deflates you in the process, you're really not the villain of the piece.

Let me know if there's anything else you'd add to this self care list, because I like to think that I'm surrounded by people who want to make work - and life - a much better place right now.

If I'm a dickhead for thinking that, so be it.

Rare serious point from me, but please, if you ever get to a point where - for whatever reason - you feel worthless, please call those wonderful people at The Samaritans. Their number is 116 123. Nobody should have to feel worthless.