7 Ways To Argue Kindly

You don’t have to be eagle-eyed to see that it’s getting harder to have a civil disagreement. It feels like a lost art. Which is unfortunate, because disagreement is part of everyday life. Over a typical week, we might find ourselves in disagreement with partners, family, roommates, bosses, colleagues, or friends on things large and small. These are significant people in our lives.? Relationships that matter to us. The last thing we want to do is hurt one of these relationships in a disagreement. So, here are seven ways to argue kindly:?

1. Listen To Understand?

Don’t listen to respond, listen to understand. So often we listen to someone while building our argument in our heads, only listening to pick out the things they say that we have strong responses against. This tactic can escalate the emotional frequency of the argument because the other side will see that you aren’t listening to them, and you will muddy the waters at the same time because you haven’t actually understood the totality of their argument.?

Listening to understand means not forming your argument, at least not fully until the other person has finished speaking. It means taking the side of your opponent as they are speaking and paying careful attention to their argument, so much so that you could steel-man it if asked.

Listening to understand will build trust with your opponent and it will make you more persuasive.?

2. Acknowledge Your Emotions?

We’re emotional creatures and arguments can bring out the worst versions of ourselves if we let our emotions run the show. We’ve all been there. Instead of trying to force your emotions out of the equation, try acknowledging them within the conversation.

As you’re listening to your opponent’s argument and you feel a strong emotion well up, make a note of it. Add it to your response:?

“You said jelly is far superior to peanut butter and as you said that I found myself getting angry…”?

But don’t leave it there, explain the emotion. Figure out, if you can, where that emotion is coming from and explain it…?

“...and I realized that, because my family owns a peanut farm, I was taking your argument personally.”?

Calling out your emotions instantly lessens their impact on the argument.? But the advantages don’t stop there. Many times, if you can acknowledge your emotion and explain it, it will lead you to a fruitful area of argumentation...?

“I was reminded that peanut farmers provide thousands of jobs in the US, 90% of those jobs being on small family-run farms like ours.”

Acknowledging your emotions out loud, while letting them lead you to productive areas of conversation, will keep the emotional intensity in check.?

3. Ask Clarifying Questions?

Nothing confuses an argument more than one side not understanding the argument made by the other, but responding anyway. This can be easily avoided by asking clarifying questions. Good examples of clarifying questions include:?

“I hear you saying ______, is that right?”?

“I want to understand you, can you say more about _____?”

“I’m not quite understanding, can you say ____ in a different way?”

Clarifying questions can help you formulate better arguments and avoid unnecessary confusion or frustration.?

4. Find A Point Of Agreement?

When our opponent makes an argument our minds immediately go to the points of contention.? We formulate our responses based on disagreement. It is, after all, an argument.? But when we do this we miss an opportunity to improve the overall discussion by finding a point of agreement.?

In 99.9% of cases, you can find an aspect of your opponent's argument with which you genuinely agree. Stating this point at the beginning of your response will help to manage the intensity of the argument and it also shows you are a good-faith opponent.?

Finding points of agreement leads to more enjoyable and more productive disagreements.?

5. Never Assume Intention?

You know what they say about assuming, and yet, so often we jump straight to uncharitable assumptions about an opponent’s intentions behind an argument. This is one of the most effective ways to increase the intensity of an argument. If you assume a bad intention, even if you’re correct, you have signaled to your opponent that you are not arguing in good faith.???

Assuming intention is the quickest way to turn an argument into a fight.???

6. Don’t Interrupt?

If you want an argument to feel more like a boxing match, then interrupt constantly. Speaking over your opponent signals combat and tells them that you aren’t interested in what they have to say.? Interrupting is the opposite of listening. It’s also another really good way to turn an argument into a fight.???

7. Don’t Make Faces??

If you want to be perceived as immature and petulant, engage in antagonistic non-verbal communication.? This includes making a face, rolling your eyes, or huffing audibly.? These cues tell your opponent that, not only do you disagree with what they’re saying, you don’t respect it. Worse, you don’t respect them. Controlling these non-verbal cues is much harder than you think. It takes a lot of effort to keep your emotions about a subject from leaking across your face.??

If you catch yourself communicating in this way, call yourself out. Apologize for it and move past it. If you don’t, the argument will likely not recover.?

(Originally posted on my blog)