7 Warning Signs of Divorce - Insights from a Relationship Expert {Part 2}

Did you read last weeks newsletter for the initial 3 warning signs of divorce?

In my nearly 20 years as a relationship expert, I’ve gotten pretty good at spotting the more nuanced signs that a couple might be on the brink of divorce.

4. Past Living as Today

Cara and Peter were stuck in a loop of past grievances, a cycle of repetitive blame and hurt, unable to move forward.

Cara sitting cross legged, seeming to close her body off matched her tone as she shared “It feels like we’re always fighting about the same things. I’m so tired of going in circles.”

Peter just rolls his eyes “I know, and I don’t know how to get out of this, it never seems to get us anywhere. Every time, its just more of the same.”

Their therapy sessions focused on identifying the recurring patterns of blame and resentment. They discovered that many of their conflicts mirrored unresolved issues from their families of origin. By understanding these dynamics, they were able to approach their challenges with greater empathy and compassion - to finally resolve them.

Encouraging couples to understand what contributed to the ways they have hurt each other can begin to rebuild emotional connection and trust.

Most importantly, opens to the door to a fresh perspective, instead of living life on repeat.

5. Roommates, Not Lovers

Dani and Jay had become more like functional roommates than romantic partners. Their lives were parallel, filled with kids, jobs, home repairs and hobbies, but void of real connection.

Dani let out an exaggerated sigh “It feels like we're just going through the motions. We used to have so much fun together. I don’t know what happened to us”

Jay seemed defeated and shared “I’m great at work, show up as an energetic and engaged Dad, do a bunch of repairs on the house and I still feel like I’m not enough for you”

They had both been brought up by responsible parents and had realized that they had neglected their emotional connection in favor of what the kids needed, what their careers demanded, being practical and all of this was putting the foundation of the family at risk.

They decided to prioritize date nights, start a shared hobby together, and give time to open communication over Sunday morning coffee.

They missed their connection and friendship, and this helped to rekindle the spark that had once ignited their relationship. It took some time, outside the bedroom to rebuild their connection so that intimacy could be restored.

6. Married to Chaos

Beth and Paul were more married to chaos than to each other, unconsciously mirroring the dysfunction they grew up with.

Beth came from a home of criticism and financial instability, while Paul was the son of both parents who struggled with alcohol.

Paul shared, "Your yelling makes me feel like a kid cowering from my parents. After our arguments, all I can think of is getting away from you."

They uncovered the deep-rooted insecurities stemming from their childhoods and beginning to recognizing these patterns, they began to address their underlying anxieties that triggered how they ended up arguing with each other.

By our third session, they had begun to recognize their patterns and how to communicate their needs more clearly.

They transitioned from toxic to trusting, moving from the brink of divorce to discussing having a baby and realizing their shared desire to create their own healthy family. It was really touching to see how they both committed to doing it differently than they experienced.

7. Financial Friction

Money matters can be a major stressor in any marriage. When left unaddressed, financial disagreements can erode trust and create resentment.

Couples often bring deeply ingrained money habits from their families of origin. This became clear as soon as Mark and Lisa started to share the challenges in their marriage.

He started our session by saying “I'm stressed about how much money we’re spending. I’d like to focus more on our savings. We're spending too much on the kids, on the home repairs, even our grocery bills have gone way up. My parents always taught me to save for a rainy day.”

Lisa, visibly irritated as this is certainly not the first time she’d heard Mark share that. She shrugged her shoulders and said “My family never talked about money. It was always a taboo subject. I just want to enjoy life now. I just hate how stressed out you get about every little expense.”

Mark and Lisa's differing perspectives on money highlighted the significant impact of family-of-origin experiences. Mark's cautious approach, rooted in his parents' emphasis on saving, contrasted sharply with Lisa's carefree attitude, shaped by a family that avoided financial discussions.

By acknowledging the origins of their financial habits, Mark and Lisa gained crucial insights into their patterns. Mark realized that his anxiety wasn't solely about the current financial situation but also a reflection of his upbringing. Lisa, in turn, understood that her avoidance of money matters stemmed from a lack of financial education in her family.

With this newfound awareness, they began to create a shared financial framework and both committed to being more open in conversations about their finances. They set aside a money date night once a month to review their budget and to talk about short-term spending needs and long-term savings goals.

This process not only improved their financial situation but also strengthened their relationship by fostering open communication and mutual understanding.

Ready to Transform Your Relationship?

If you see yourself in any of these stories, know that it’s never too late to seek help. Transform your relationship and reclaim your peace of mind.

Book a complimentary conversation to explore personalized strategies enjoying a more fulfilling relationship.