7 Things Grief Is Teaching Me About Advocating for Myself

As an expert on building dynamic, innovative cultures by elevating every voice, I’ve got a lot to say about self-advocacy at work.

But self-advocacy isn’t just for career progression; it encompasses a suite of skills that infuse every aspect of your life. The more you practice everyday self-advocacy, the better you’ll get at advocating for yourself at work.

I am a firm believer in learning and growing through life’s greatest challenges. This year, my experience of grief has brought everyday self-advocacy into sharp focus for me.?

Below I reflect on 7 things grieving for my papa taught me about self-advocacy in my personal life.

1. Focus on your own needs

At the first conference I attended after my dad’s passing, someone I didn’t know very well approached me to offer her condolences.

She was well-intentioned and looked so upset for me that one might think she was going through the exact same thing. As she looked at me with a pained expression I felt tears pricking my eyes, but I knew I didn’t want to cry in a professional setting. I did something I have probably never done before in a situation like that. I abruptly excused myself from the conversation and went to the bathroom to regain my composure.

Previously, guilt would’ve stopped me from stepping away. I would’ve participated in an uncomfortable moment to save the other person’s feelings. This time though, I put myself first.

2. Pick your battles

At my father’s service, I was so upset I could barely breathe. I went to the bathroom to clean up and bumped into a family member who said (roughly translated): “Fix yourself up, quick .. Is everything okay now?”?

I couldn’t believe what she was saying. How could everything be okay? Nothing will ever be the same. I almost lost it with her.

At that moment I made the decision not to respond. Venting at a close family member would serve no purpose and damage our relationship. In my silence, I self-advocated for my mental health.

3. Don’t maintain friendships that don’t serve you

In my grief, some of my closest friends are there for me every day, others check in regularly, and a few have stepped back completely.?

Someone I considered to be a friend not only told me up front that he wouldn’t be there for me, he also made insensitive comments about how things had been better at one of my clients in my absence. REALLY?!

Maybe he felt awkward. Maybe he had his own stuff going on.?

Of course I was hurt, but instead of confronting him or asking myself what I did to deserve such treatment, I gained a new perspective: regrettable though it is, he is not the friend I thought he was. I self-advocated by letting go.

4. Practice advocating for others

I am conflict-averse to a fault. This year I have found myself in new situations, advocating for my mom’s medical and legal needs. At times I experience pushback. When I’m told my mom should do the talking, I have to be firm:

“English is my mom’s second language. She is grieving. I am her daughter and I need you to help me handle this NOW!”

If, like me, you grew up in a culture where people don’t question authority, you might find yourself advocating for others in challenging times. When you advocate for other people, you exercise the muscles you need to do it for yourself.

5. Accept your feelings

One of my most useful perspectives on grief and self-advocacy is an analogy with the weather.?

Like the weather, grief is a constant state of change. There are sunny days and miserable, unbearable ones. You can’t change the weather, but you can accept that bad days will come. Acceptance allows you to prepare for bad times and hunker down when you need to.

It might be an anniversary, or a place that reminds you of the person you lost. Whatever the trigger, accept the need to cry, stay in bed, cancel work or meet up with friends. Focus on the feeling, acknowledge it, and wait for it to pass.

This isn’t just true in grief. Our feelings change with the weather at the best of times. Accept and self-advocate through difficult times and wait for the sun to come out again.

6. Get help if you need it

Mental health is still swept under the rug in Asian and south Asian cultures. We are expected to rely on family to help us with issues and challenges, rather than seeking external help.

It doesn't always work. Not all of us can easily share our feelings with close family members, particularly if there is a language barrier. We may be expected to be ‘the strong one’ and hold others together.

If necessary, you can be discreet about getting support. I signed up to Grief Help Texts to help me with processing grief and they have helped me immensely.

7. Have self-compassion

We are often hardest on the person we are in the strongest position to help; ourselves.

Kristen Neff describes it as ferocious self-compassion , when you show yourself the compassion you would show to a friend in the same situation. Self-compassion is vital when grieving, a time when we might berate ourselves for being unable to function, or not grieving enough, or feeling like we’ve got things under control and then collapsing in tears at the mention of our loved-one’s favorite TV show.

Self-compassion is the root of self-advocacy. When we take a compassionate approach with ourselves, we find it much easier to stand up for our needs at work and at home.

??If we haven’t had a chance to connect yet, my name is Neelu and I champion the power of self-advocacy and being your own cheerleader. I am a true believer that organizations are more innovative when they build psychologically safe cultures.

??? As a self-advocacy expert, keynote speaker, and the author of "Be Your Own Cheerleader," I help professionals speak up for their ideas and their wellbeing, to drive safety, creativity, and innovation. I help organizations unleash innovation by elevating every voice.?

??Living by the values of self-advocacy, I invite you to support my mission. Need a speaker for your organization, offsite, or conference, send me a DM or contact me at [email protected]

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