7 Things To Avoid Saying or Doing When Someone Shares They're Going Through a Hard Time

Part of Kathy Caprino’s series “Bringing Compassion and Empathy Forward In Life and Work”

Have you ever been going through a very difficult time in your life, and you begin talking about it with friends, colleagues or family members, only to have them hijack the conversation and make it all about them and their own experiences? Or perhaps they share their “expert advice” which feels unhelpful or judgmental? These experiences are annoying at best, and infuriating and hurtful at worst.

When I first drafted this article, my sister and I were going through the hospice and dying phase of our beloved 98-year-old mother (who later passed on March 12th, 2023), and as so many people have experienced, it can be an excruciatingly painful and difficult time as we deal with the loss of our beloved family members or friends. We lost our dear father in 2013 to cancer that had spread throughout his body, and that too was so very difficult, for him and our family.

In the past 20 years after leaving corporate life, I’ve focused intently on working with thousands of people helping them engage in personal and professional development. And from my former years as a family therapist, I’ve witnessed many common human behaviors that need to be shifted and changed if we’re to be as helpful and supportive to others as we want to be.

One of those approaches we need to address is how we speak to and relate with people in our lives who are going through a deeply emotional and difficult time.

I’ve seen there are 7 hurtful behaviors that we should avoid at all costs when speaking and connecting with people who are suffering.

These thoughtless behaviors can add insult and injury to our friends and colleagues, and that is the very last thing that people who are suffering need to deal with.

I've made some of these same mistakes myself, and continue to, but I'm working on revising these behaviors and my language and approach to be as supportive as possible to my friends, family and colleagues in their difficult times.

These 7 hurtful behaviors are:

#1: Hijacking the conversation away from the one who is hurting

When people start sharing with you the painful time they are going through, don't immediately jump in and share that you’ve been through the same thing. First of all, you haven’t. What they are going through may seem similar to your experiences, but the individual in front of you is processing through their own deeply personal experience. You might think it’s helpful to share what you went through, but there’s a time and place for that, and it’s not right away, when your friend is revealing what they’re dealing with for the first time. What that person needs as they begin to be open and vulnerable with you is your open and compassionate listening ears and heart. That’s all.

Tip: Ask them this question - “Wow, that sounds so hard. How are you holding up?” That’s it. Ask them how they are doing and then let them talk for as long as they need to, giving them space to discuss openly and honestly what they’re facing.

#2: Giving advice when you know nothing about the real situation that person is facing

Another big mistake is to jump in with your advice. You’re not in a position to give advice at that time. Let the individual share their thoughts and feelings without interruption, and be an open, non-judging and validating receptacle for that. Hold off from advice-giving unless they specifically ask you for your opinion and input about a situation or question.

Tip: You may want to jump in and offer your advice as a way of being helpful. But remember that if they want your advice, they will ask for it.

#3: Negating their pain

In our situation, my mom had lived a wonderfully long and healthy life, which is a true blessing. That said, I’ve been completely floored at how many people responded to me (after I shared that she was dying) with this comment,

“Well, she’s lived a really long life!”

They might as well have said, “Well, what do you expect - she’s old.” They act as if her long life makes our losing our mother any easier. It does not.?Often their comments about her longevity sounded flip and unfeeling, and it appeared as if these folks believed it was easier to let her go because she’d lived a long time. They were wrong. In some ways, it was even harder.

Tip: Avoid offering your assessment of how painful or not the situation should be for the person in front of you. Just follow their lead and be compassionate about what they are offering.

#4: Telling them that “it’s the best thing” or it’s happening for a good reason

So many folks who’ve lost loved ones or been through a traumatic experience have been devastated even further by unthinking comments from others who seem to imply that this painful situation is happening for a "good" reason and all will come out better because of it.

You may believe that down to your toes, and in fact, there may be some truth to the idea that some difficult situations –? for instance, being betrayed by and then leaving one's narcissistic spouse, or being fired from a job that you actually hated – might eventually pave the way for a better, happier life experience in the future.

But it’s insensitive and often hurtful to utter those words to a grieving person. They are most likely not in the state to hear that, nor is it a supportive idea to them. They are in pain now and those words can feel like an attempt to negate or interrupt their grieving process. That's not what they need at the moment.

Tip: Refrain from offering your view that this very difficult experience is happening for “a good reason.” It’s your belief and that’s fine, but it's critical to think about what is best for the person in front of you. And hoping to make them feel better or “cheer them up” in this way can have painful consequences.

#5: Forgetting to inquire about how the person is feeling and doing and asking how you can help

In thinking about the many responses I received from friends and colleagues when I shared that mom was dying, I was floored by the percentage of folks (far more than 50%) who forgot to ask, “How are you feeling during this time and is there anything I can do to help?”?

Again, the first words to be uttered should be a question about them and how they are faring, not what you think of the situation.

Tip: Share how sorry you are that they are going through this difficult time, and ask how they are. Feel free to also ask, “Is there anything I could do that would be helpful.” One lovely friend went further and said, “I’d love to make you my favorite soup if that would be helpful. Can I please bring that to you?’ That was such a kind idea and felt to me like a very supportive gesture of love.

#6: Judging them for what they are feeling

Many (if not most) human beings are fearful of being judged negatively. It’s an extremely common fear - that we’ll be ridiculed, judged, made fun of or alienated for what we think, feel and do. Consider how social media has had such a negative impact on so many young people - comparison to others and our feelings of inadequacy can be devastating.

Tip: When someone shares about their difficult time, don't offer a judgment. Keep those thoughts to yourself. As Wendy Mass so wisely shared, “Be kind, as everyone you meet is dealing with an inner battle you know nothing about.”

Don’t judge, assess, instruct or educate. Just listen. Now is not the time to insert your beliefs into their situation.

#7: Using this person’s painful experience as a way to talk about and work through your own unresolved pain

Finally, I saw in my beginning shares about mom’s situation, that so many people would jump on that experience and start sharing one of their own - in a way to continue to work through their own unresolved pain or grief from a similar situation.

They would get tearful and talk about what they did or didn’t do in the past that hurts them still. They offer information about their regrets, what they did that they wish they hadn’t, or how others behaved during the difficult time that still pains them.

This sharing is often a knee-jerk reaction - they may not even be conscious that they’ve turned the conversation into a therapeutic release for them. The problem is that the individual on the receiving end of this therapeutic release isn’t typically helped by it. It just adds to the burden and emotions they are already dealing with.

Tip: If you’re close to the individual who is sharing their painful experiences, rest assured there will be time to delve into different aspects of it and offer your thoughts, feelings and input.

But in the beginning when you first hear of your friend’s pain and distress, it’s not the time to use that to work through your own unresolved feelings.

Overall, it's best to keep your focus on how to help the person who is going through challenges and needs more of your support, loving listening ears, compassion and deep acceptance and understanding.

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If you're experiencing a hard time right now, please don't hesitate to reach out for some help. One helpful support resource is the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy website to help you locate a great therapist in your area.

If you'd like some career support at this time, to help you navigate important changes in your professional life, visit Kathy's Career Help page for programs, resources, helpful assessments and more.

And if you're ready to experience more leadership growth, confidence and positive impact in your life and work, join Kathy's Winter '25 session of her 8-week live course The Most Powerful You, starting February 27, 2025.

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