7 Signs of Perfectionistic Overfunctioning and How It Hurts You

Part of Kathy Caprino's series "The Most Powerful You"

During my 18-year corporate life, I had some strong achievements and experienced "success" in outer terms. But after my two children were born, I faced years of chronic illness and was exhausted, sick and burnt out much of the time. I tried to do everything and more and struggled every day in attempting to effectively balance my efforts at being a highly contributive professional with who I wanted to be as a parent and caregiver.

Finally, after a brutal layoff in the days following 9/11, I made the move away from corporate life to transition into the helping professions. I embarked on earning a Master's degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and starting a therapy and coaching practice, and those years were truly life-changing. I learned a lot — about life, personal growth, mental challenges and disorders, personality development, addiction, depression and anxiety, patterns and behaviors that hurt us, and more. And I learned of a phenomenon called “overfunctioning” – which is doing more than is necessary, appropriate and healthy in our lives and relationships. I also learned that when one spouse or partner overfunctions, the other inevitably underfunctions. It's a dynamic we get locked into, and often never escape. That concept made me sit up at attention because I realized it was playing out in my own life.

Then, as I began working as a career and executive coach with hundreds of professional women each year, I observed another crippling layer to this — perfectionism. I've seen that it's a true epidemic in our society and it hits women very hard — the desperate drive to get an A+ in everything they do, no matter how important it is in their lives. Doing too much every single day and not learning how to say "No" leads to unmitigated stress, and that stress can damage our lives at best, and seriously harm us at worst.

How can you tell if you’re a perfectionist overfunctioner? Answer these 7 questions as honestly as you can:

1. Are you driven (and exhausted, depleted and flattened) trying to keep up with what you think you “should” be doing in your life and work?
2. Do you feel lousy (and “less than”) when you compare yourself to other people, parents, and professionals?
3. Do you act in your life as if everything is a top, urgent priority, whereas actually, only a few things truly are?
4. Is your family used to your doing too much, and you feel it’s really hard now to break that cycle?
5. Do you feel that asking for help is a sign of weakness and imperfection, and you’d rather struggle alone and try to do it all yourself?
6. Do you try to impress people with how much you accomplish and are afraid of stopping that behavior for fear people won't think highly enough of you if you do?
7. Finally, when you stop and take the time to really think about it, are you living someone else's definition of happiness, success and well-being?

Bonus question: Do you find yourself always answering the question, "How are you?" with "I'm so crazy busy!"

Answering these questions honestly will open your eyes to what has to change — and to the need to give yourself a break every day, and stop trying to get an A+ in everything.

I’m a recovering perfectionistic overfunctioner and I know how very hard it is to stay on this path and keep yourself there — of loving and embracing who you are, being OK with what you do and what you don’t do, and living more authentically each day.

Here are 4 steps that I’ve found helpful in recovering from perfectionist overfunctioning:

This week commit to stop doing it all, and watch how that feels

Women have been chronically overfunctioning for years, ever since they emerged on the work scene and took on the overwhelming challenge of trying to balance full-time work with full-time domestic and family responsibilities. And it's only gotten worse during the pandemic.

What drives people to overfunction? I've seen that it's believing that if you don’t do everything, something terrible will occur: You'll miss out on a critical development if you're not always there; someone else (your partner, for instance) will do it wrong; your children’s welfare will be jeopardized; you'll be ridiculed or judged harshly; you'll be seen as “less than” others; or, finally, if you can’t be the best at all you do, you'll be an abject failure.

Research shows that women still assume the lion’s share of domestic responsibilities, even if they work, and even when they are the primary breadwinners. This overload is extremely difficult to thrive through.

So what can women (and men) do about their overly full plates and their tendency to overfunction?

We have the personal power to change this dynamic. It boils down to "finding brave" and prioritizing with courage and conviction what matters most to you, then building the sufficient boundaries to shift your focus away from what matters less. Shed the need to do it all perfectly, and embrace help from all those who will give it. And learn to trust that you aren't meant to handle everything yourself, and live two or more lives within your one. Identify where you can take action to ask and empower others — your partner, children, colleagues, subordinates, etc.— to take on more responsibility, wherever possible and appropriate. An essential corollary to this is freeing yourself from guilt and shame about needing and wanting help, and remembering that getting help is a way of saying "yes" to what matters most.

If you find this shift in attitude and behavior challenging, it's helpful to examine why you may believe you’re the only one who can do all that you’re doing. What's the root of this driven behavior for you? Get support from someone you trust and respect, to see what may be holding you hostage, keeping you chained to your need to do it all, and perfectly.

This type of honest self-exploration often leads to discovering past traumas and subconscious beliefs that no longer serve you. Perhaps your childhood was insecure, and your parents weren’t reliable or there for you, leaving you feeling frightened and alone. Maybe your authority figures or teachers demanded perfection, withholding acceptance or love unless you showed them evidence of your perfection. Or perhaps your self-esteem was beaten down so that being in control or perfect was the only way you knew how to survive.

Address what you fear most

While fear sometimes motivates us to make positive change, it can also keep us stuck. In my past, I had deep fears that bad things would happen if I didn't control everything at home, and those fears kept me angry, resentful and worn out.

We all have fears. They're a necessary and helpful component of human existence. But the more locked away your fears are from your conscious thought, the more they drive you to behave in unsatisfying, self-destructive, and limiting ways — without your awareness or consent.

If you're finding it impossible to enjoy your life and figure out your top life priorities (let alone honor them), I'd suggest taking a look at your deepest fears. How are they driving and limiting you, and wearing you out?

The following are questions and experiences that regularly elicit fear, anxiety, or pain for many people:

From the Past:

? Relationships that broke your heart

? “Failure” to succeed or perform

? Being criticized, rejected, or ridiculed

? Being told you were “not enough”

? Being negatively compared with others

? Being abused and mistreated

? Being envied or despised for your successes

? Bringing about harm or suffering to others

? Being alone and frightened

In the Present:

? Dealing with current responsibilities—can I do it?

? Keeping your family safe and secure in today’s world

? Feeling like you don’t matter

? Dealing with crushing financial worries

? Coping with disease and illnesses

? Feeling numb, depressed, and cut off

? Keeping your flaws a secret

? Feeling or acting out of control

In the Future:

? Will I find and keep love? Am I lovable?

? Will I handle my challenges without blowing it and humiliating myself?

? Do I have what it takes?

? Can I take care of myself and my family?

? Will my children be secure and successful?

? Will I be safe and secure?

? Will I live a long and healthy life?

? Will I be destitute and homeless?

? Will I be alone?

? Will I survive this?

? Will the world survive this?

What do you fear most? Death, rejection, success, pain, exposure, vulnerability, sadness, separation? Bring your deepest fears into your awareness and talk to them. Get to know them and get more comfortable examining them. Confront what frightens you the most, and embrace it as a friend. Only when we face our fears with open hearts and minds, and allow a willingness to feel our vulnerability, can we deal with them more effectively.

Get help from others

Receiving help from other people in your life is essential. We can't do what we dream of and live happy, rewarding lives without support. If managing everything on your plate is overwhelming, reach out and ask for help. I love the concept I learned in my therapy training: "Never do for others what they can do for themselves." When we overdo for others, we rob them — our children, spouses, or colleagues, friends, and employees — of precious opportunities to directly experience their own competence, resilience, and power. To create new balance and wholeness in your life and work, ask for (insist on) the help you need and deserve.

Make joy and fulfillment the barometer

If how you felt every moment of every single day was your barometer for "success," how would you be doing? 

Is all this crazy running around, exhausting yourself and driving yourself to distraction, bringing any peace, joy, or fulfillment at all? Can you even be present in the lives of your children or loved ones if you're driven and obsessed?

The obvious answer is "No." If experiencing the world in a fully present, alert, and alive way, and feeling joy using your abundant natural talents towards outcomes that deeply matter could become your measure for a well-lived life, what would you need to do differently? 

This month, make joy, fulfillment and well-being your measure of success, and observe how you operate differently in doing so.

And let yourself off the hook, once and for all, and honor your true, heart-based priorities, not those activities (and relationships) that you somehow have become a slave to that don't really matter.

For more about healing from past trauma, check out my Finding Brave podcast episode below:

To take steps today to build a happier life and career, check out my new book The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss. For hands-on career and executive coaching help, join me in my Amazing Career Project online course or my Career & Leadership Breakthrough programs, and tune in weekly to my podcast Finding Brave.