7 Reasons to Hit the Breaks

It was a Wednesday night and I flew off the handle twice: first at our new puppy for biting at my ankle for the 82nd time and then at my son for something wildly trivial. After he stormed off, I thought to myself: “What’s wrong with me?” And then I thought: “I don't like who I’ve become.”?

I told my wife I was going to the gym but what I really meant was I was going to sit in the hot tub there and try to calm down and relax a bit. While I basked in the hot water, I closed my eyes and attempted to melt into it. At some point a message landed in my head: “You need to take a week off.” It was so necessary and obvious that I didn’t question it for a moment.

Here's what I’ve learned so far from that week and slowing down in general:

1.????Sometimes a true break is deeply necessary.

I haven’t taken a week off for anything other than a family trip (and these are not exactly relaxing!) in 15 years. I’ve always prided myself as a work warrior who always showed up.

2.????It can be divine to do absolutely nothing.

The first day all I had in me was to take a nap with the dog. After that I read a crime or spy novel on the couch between dog walks. It felt fabulous. The best part was not endlessly checking my phone or email for ‘action’.

3.????When you’re too busy for too long, your self-awareness evaporates.

First, I needed to let my thoughts filter through my head enough to understand why I had developed a short fuse. I’d been so sucked into the ‘Busyness is King’ lifestyle that I didn’t even know what exactly was bothering me so much. What I realised was that I was still sad about the disappointing outcomes of my second book and the app I launched last year – that they generated so little interest.

It’s not uplifting to put your heart and soul into a project for arguably years and have it fall on its face – and feel that the world isn’t interested. What a shitty lesson. I asked myself: What happened to ‘do what you love and the money will come?’

I wasn't sure how to deal with this because I was angry about it and needed time to grieve what didn’t happen. There’s no quick fix to these emotions.

4.????Being calm and relaxed is a positive magnet.

I was startled to notice how much more present I could be for my kids at home without all the distractions of work. They loved it. My wife kept commenting on it. Dad wasn’t sitting at his desk as usual. Then I had the unsettling thought: “Have I really been like this for their entire first ten years?” I thought I was modelling that it’s great to do work you love.

5.????Everything starts with loving yourself

One of my strongest role models is the author Robert Holden. We grew up in the UK at the same time and have parents with somewhat similar stories – a professionally successful emotionally distant addict father (my dad to his work and Holden’s to alcohol) and frequently depressed mothers who had virtually absent parents themselves.

I spent much of the week listening to his book Loveability. The key lessons are:

a)????Our biggest fear in life is that we are unloveable.

It’s what really drives most of us deep down – to achieve x in order to feel love. You want to love yourself first. Practice conscious acts of self-love. The ripple effects from this will be powerful over time.

He poses a great question: would you have had a happier childhood if your parents had loved themselves more?

Would your children have a happier childhood if you loved yourself more?

b)???Practice self-acceptance versus letting your ego judge you negatively most of the time. How often do we, as A types, beat ourselves up? Even though we almost always try our best? How messed up!

And what kind of existence is this?

c)????Forgive yourself and others for what grieves you.

I realised at some point after a few days that I had to forgive myself for whatever mistakes I made last year – whether it was borrowing money to finance the app or in not effectively marketing the book. Yes, in retrospect, there are dozens of things I could’ve done better but I did my best and likely at some point ran out of steam. I did my best. I did my best. That’s all I can live with. That’s all any of us can control.

6.????At some point, get useful again: Our minds can make a hell of heaven and a heaven of hell

What dismayed me to be reminded of was that too much time just to ‘think’ and not do anything can cause negative spirals. The human mind is still highly biologically skewed towards the negative. It’s funny because for a while I loved the fantasy of taking another week off to do nothing, but at some point into the second week (when I had a lighter business agenda), I noticed that I needed to ‘make myself useful’ as my Granny Anne used to say. We were not put on this earth to sit around and let our minds endlessly wander.

7.????It’s time that constant busyness is no longer a boast or cultural badge of honour

The concept that faster is always better is going to implode sooner or later: it’s not sustainable. How much faster do we need everything to be? The frenetic pace of most of our culture lacks wisdom, innovation, and inspiration. It’s unhealthy and it overlooks quality relationships which extensive research shows is what matters most to people.

My biggest wish for you is that you can slow down long enough to take some of this to heart and avoid the mistakes I made.

To taking another proper break soon!

Matt

Copyright Matt Anderson, 2024