7 questions to ask before agreeing to mediation (particularly if you're neurodivergent)

I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) after participating in a mediation process. And while the events that led up to the meeting itself certainly contributed to this diagnosis - the trauma I experienced in the mediation process was the ‘tipping point’ that led me to seek professional help.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised really...

Taking part in a mediation meeting with someone you’ve had a disagreement with - and/or with whom your relationship has broken down - is a Big Deal.

Knowing you’re going to be in a room with someone you believe has ‘wronged’ you,? treated you unfairly? - or even abused you - can be frightening.?

It’s also not something you do every week. Which means you may not know what to expect and/or how the experience will make you feel - until you actually get there.?

Especially as neurodivergent person (I have both ADHD and Autism Level 1) . Because it exposes you to pretty much everything you find challenging - on top of the trauma you've already experienced.

Why we need to talk about mediation and psychological injury

Why aren't more people talking about this, I found myself wondering - after my traumatic experience. So the journalist in me went looking for answers. But all I came up with was?a LOT of questions. Like:

• Why is mediation often cited as a Best Practice Solution for disputes/disagreements when there is little research-informed?evidence of its efficacy?
• Why is there so little research on ensuring the psychological safety of participants before, during and after a mediation process?
• Why is there little no/guidance on supporting neurodivergent individuals through the mediation process - and/or even whether it’s suitable for them in the first place???

And in the absence of reliable research... all I can offer is my Lived Experience.?

So if you’re considering mediation - or know someone who is - here’s 7 questions you absolutely MUST ask before agreeing to take part (shared with the proviso that it's lived experience - not medical advice).

While this information is aimed at neurodiverse people - and those who live, love and work with them - it's actually good advice for anyone with an interest in ensuring the mediation process is safe for participants (imho). ?

Q1: How will you ensure participants are safe throughout the mediation process??

It’s vital for the mediator to know - ahead of time - of any specific challenges/risks around your participation - so they can ensure you are supported before, during and after the mediation process.

To that end, here's some questions you should expect to be asked:?

• Do you consider yourself to have a disability/additional needs?
• Is there anything about the mediation process you feel may present challenges for you??
• Is there anything else I should know that may help me support you?

I wasn’t asked any of these questions. If I had, I may not have ended up with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

I now believe anyone involved in facilitating a mediation process should carry out a psychological risk assessment to ensure they are aware of the potential risks to mental health - and ensure participants are adequately supported before, during and after the mediation itself.?

Q2: What preparation will I need to do? Can I see examples??

It’s common to be asked to provide a positioning statement that sets out what you hope to achieve from taking part in mediation.? If you haven’t written one before, you may not know where to start and/or what is ok to include (and what isn’t).?

Mediators should provide clear instructions (and supporting materials) on how to write a positioning statement. For example:

• Fill-in-the-gaps templates?
• Checklists of documents?that can and can’t be included?
• ‘Dos and don’ts’ for style/tone
• Examples of best practice?

Please don’t underestimate the importance of getting this part right - or feel like you are ‘making a fuss’ in asking for more support.?

This is particularly important for neurodivergent folk - who typically need instructions to be clear - and understand exactly what is required of them in order to complete a task (particularly as they are prone to literal thinking - and may struggle to 'read between the lines').

Case in point: I took the mediator’s instruction to provide a positioning statement literally i.e. I provided ONE statement of around 500 words. I also took on board the instruction not to criticise/attack. I received TEN documents from the other party - via the mediator - which did not follow the brief (more on this later). Which left me too distressed to represent myself in the meeting itself.

Additionally, mediators should also be aware that some individuals may not be able to complete this task without assistance - and therefore must provide/signpost support if needed.?

Q3: How long will I get to review documents sent by the other party ahead of the mediation?

It’s common for neurodivergent folk to struggle to recognise - or name - their emotions (hence why they sometimes bubble up and explode unexpectedly). So they will typically need more time to process information - particularly where emotions are involved.?

In my own mediation experience, I received the ‘positioning statement’ (ten documents totalling thousands of words) from the other party just 24 hours ahead of the meeting. Therefore - not only did I not have enough time to read them thoroughly? - I didn’t have time to process them emotionally.?

Which meant I arrived at the meeting emotionally dysregulated - and cried uncontrollably throughout the meeting and was therefore unable to represent my position. Which ultimately contributed to an unsuccessful mediation outcome.

Q4: Will you review the documentation from the other party before it is sent to me?

Receiving documents that are highly emotional - and/or feel like an attack - may be de-stablising for a neurodivergent person. And also confusing for a ‘literal thinker’ who has agreed to attend a mediation meeting (with the aim of reaching a resolution).

Other common neurodivergent traits include:

• Favouring fact over emotion
• Having a rigid thinking style i.e. things are either ‘right’ or ‘wrong’?
• A strong sense of integrity, justice and fairness

Therefore mediators MUST also consider the impact of sharing documentation that is factually incorrect, emotionally charged and/or might be judged as ‘unfairly balanced’ - before sending it to you.

I was sent 10 documents by the other party in my meditation (compared to the one I sent). One of these documents, in particular,?destablised me. Because it was factually incorrect, contained allegations that were untrue and had been circulated with people who may have perceived me negatively (and unfairly) as a result - behaviour that is just bewildering for a neurodivergent, 'black and white' thinker. I was told it would 'not be helpful' to discuss these factual inaccuracies with the other party in the meeting...so I didn't.

It was all too much to take in 24 hours ahead of what was already a high stress event for me. Hence I went to pieces in the mediation itself.?

Q5: What can I expect on the day itself??

Struggling with change is common for neurodivergent folk (hence finding comfort in routine and repetition). So if this applies to you, remember that attending the mediation itself may be enough to trigger emotional dysregulation - or even a full-on meltdown or shutdown.?

So don’t be afraid to ask to see photos of where the meeting will be held - and/or even to visit in advance if necessary - to ensure you feel as comfortable as possible - and are aware of any potential sensory challenges (e.g. unfamiliar smells, noises or even room temperatures).?

Do also ask for a proposed timetable (if not supplied) - including when breaks are likely to be, whether food and drink will be provided? - and/or whether you can bring your own (if you have ‘safe’ foods).?

Remember also that relying on social ‘scripting’ and familiar conversational patterns is also common in neurodivergent people.? And mediation is almost certainly a type of conversation you will have limited - or zero - experience of. Which will almost certainly add pressure to an already stressful situation.?

Q5: How will I be supported during the meeting to ensure I feel in control and able to make decisions?

This is largely dependent on many of the topics discussed already i.e. clear instructions on how to prepare/what to expect, having enough time to process information (and emotions), anticipating challenges and managing the physical environment as far as possible.?

However, for a neurodivergent person, having a friend/family member in the room (who doesn’t speak but provides a supportive presence) is absolutely necessary (imho). Their presence may also be vital to support with Q6…?

Q6: What happens if I get there and it feels too much for me??

There’s nothing wrong with being emotional in a mediation meeting - in fact, it’s probably to be expected. But it’s important that the mediator can distinguish between an individual being upset - and unhealthy levels of distress that might lead to personal injury. And that they are willing to pause - and/or even shut down the meeting entirely - if necessary.?

One of the challenges here is that neurodivergent people can struggle to articulate their needs - particularly when they are emotionally dysregulated/overwhelmed. And/or their distress may present ‘differently’ to others. ?

In my case, my levels of distress were such that I believe the mediation I took part in should have been stopped. Having a friend/family member in the room who could have ‘called it’ on my behalf could have protected me from harm.?

Q7: How will I be supported after the mediation meeting??

Taking part in a mediation meeting is emotionally exhausting for anyone. But neurodivergent people are likely to experience 'next level' exhaustion.

Partly because they're prone to excessive ‘rumination’. Getting ‘stuck’ on a thought/idea (aka ‘looping’) is also common. Which means they typically find it harder to let things go - or ‘move on’ from difficult experiences.

No one followed up with me post-mediation. I spent weeks 'looping' over the experience in my head - and trying to understand my feelings about it - cycling through anger, humiliation and a sense I'd been disempowered by the experience. While feeling I couldn't really talk to anyone about it properly - because I'd had to sign a flippin' confidentiality agreement.

So do bear in mind it may take you weeks to recover from a mediation session - even if a positive outcome is reached. And you will almost certainly need time to process the event - including talking things through with a trusted friend/professional.?

In other words, post-mediation support is vital.?

Which raises some important questions about confidentiality.

Parting thoughts...

I've taken the time to share my experience - and offer guidance for people considering taking part in the mediation process - because, quite frankly, it scares me how little research there is around this topic. Particularly around ensuring psychological safety.

What worries me most is that the process of mediation itself is prohibitive to change/improvement. Because mediators typically make participants sign confidentiality agreements - and many people are unaware of the legal exemptions to confidentiality.

Which is particularly concerning for neurodivergent people. Because this is a group that typically 'sticks to the rules’ i.e. if they're told not to talk to anyone about their mediation experience - they won't. Even if it leaves them vulnerable and isolated, as they try to process a highly traumatic event alone.

And of course having to sign a confidentiality agreement means people are far less likely to speak up when they DO have a bad mediation experience (which may explain why there is so little research on the topic).

So please share this article with anyone considering mediation - or involved in the process. Particularly those who are neurodivergent and/or support this community.

It could save someone from serious harm - or even save a life.

Janet Murray is a content strategist and advocate for neurodivergent people in the workplace and voluntary sector.