7 Qualities of a Well-Held Space: Why Holding Space Matters and How to Begin

I invite you to imagine three scenarios:

1. You’re at a city council campaign after-party when the results come in. Your candidate—the underdog—wins. The crowd cheers!
2. You’re at the doctor’s office with a dear friend waiting for test results that could mean life or death.
3. You’re out to a romantic candlelit dinner with someone you’re falling for after three months of dating.

What does each of these scenarios have in common?

Each interaction emanates a distinct relational field—a palpable felt experience often thought of as an atmosphere.

Every interaction between two or more people creates a relational field.

Now, why is the concept of the relational field one that I want you to know about?

Well, I’m sure you’ve heard people say that how we be is more important than what we do.?

But, if you’re like me, you might ask, Aren’t our actions important, too?

Of course, our actions are important.?

And yet, we run astray when we focus solely on our plans, strategies, and what we’re doing.

I invite you to consider the palpable felt sense that each of the above scenarios conjures.?

The relational field has the powerful ability to shape our experience and our actions.?

When we consciously tend the relational field, each person present is more likely to let go of habitual tendencies and access their potential for transformation and effective action.?

Through your presence, you can shape the field.

My teacher, Doug Silsbee, defined holding space as tending to and cultivating the energetic field so that transformation may emerge.?

When space is well-held—we can rest, heal, and learn.?

He wrote that we hold space by intentionally sensing into, extending, and inviting others to embody the following qualities:

1. Presence: Awareness of and attention to the unfolding moment?
2. Spaciousness: Stillness beyond preconceived notions, openness to what is, allowing newness to emerge
3. Neutrality: Freedom from attachment to a particular outcome or plan, yet with care
4. Compassion: Awareness of and kindness towards what is, no matter how beautiful or challenging
5. Unconditional Positive Regard: Unwavering acceptance and support of an individual, if not their actions
6. Attunement: Deep understanding and connection, expressed with or without words
7. Possibility: Knowing and trusting that solutions and alternatives exist, even when we don’t know what they are

I invite you to think back:

When did someone hold space for you?

I invite you to recall a time when you felt loved and truly listened to, perhaps by a pet, tree, friend, teacher, grandparent, parent, partner, or life itself.?

As you remember, notice how your body feels.?

Do you feel a sense of calm? Settling into your chair? A smile? A light in your chest? Warmth??

Bring to mind how this person or being supported you.?

Which of these qualities did they extend to you: presence, spaciousness, neutrality, compassion, unconditional positive regard, resonance, or a sense of possibility?

Practice: Sensing the Field

Sensing the field is a great first step for learning how to hold space and shape the relational field.

Over the next week, I invite you to experiment with sensing the relational fields that you experience. Sense into the field when at the office, a community meeting, the farmers’ market, the grocery store, the community garden, or any other place where you interact with people.

Soften your gaze and sense into the feeling, the texture, the taste, of the space.?

Without trying to change then, notice subtle shifts in the field.?

Stay curious, and notice what you notice.

I wish you lots of great play and discovery as you practice sensing the field.

Much love, Katherine