7 Lessons Learned to Set AND Keep Personal Boundaries

I’ve had a lifelong struggle with setting personal boundaries. I’m a former people-pleasure. It’s in our handbook: no boundaries. This way you keep everyone else happy and you’ll be fine.

The problems with no boundaries are

a. everyone isn’t happy and

b. you aren’t fine.

Boundaries are important. Trenched boundaries In fields prevent wildfires from spreading. There are boundaries that separate one nation from another. Boundaries are even in nature like oceans around continents. Boundaries are necessary and healthy.

They can also be difficult to set up, in your personal and professional life. As a recovering people-pleaser, I struggled the most on the personal side.

Through trial and error, failures, and successes – these are the lessons I learned. They help me set and keep my boundaries. The lessons cover mindset, strategy, and action.

1. It really is about you and that’s okay – it’s supposed to be!

Setting boundaries is an important part of self-care. It is defining how you want people to treat you. It is investing in yourself the positive attention and care that you deserve. It was hard for me to wrap my head around boundaries. I had a fear of what other people might think about me or my ‘rules’.

Lesson learned: I, as a person, am more important than what other people think of me. I don’t want to earn anyone else’s respect unless I show myself love and respect.

2. People are going to be mean

When you set a boundary, you change the way things are or have been. People don’t always dig change, especially when they get less out of the deal. And they will be getting less from you because you’re moving that line. When you get challenged. Reread #1.

You will be challenged with some variation of “why not, it’s not that big of a deal.” This is a manipulation tactic. Give an inch, they take a mile. The amount of effort exerted is not the point. Your line is your line. No one gets to make you question that. Reread #1

Lesson learned: The irony of being called “selfish.” So wait, I shouldn’t think all about myself, I should think all about you. Let’s think about that. I got good at recognizing incognito guilt. "but, it will only take you a minute, you’re so much better at this, you have the resources… " Not the point. The line is the line.

3. Get clear on what’s not working, what you want, and the whys.

Now that your mind is ready to take action, the next three lessons and steps are all about strategy.

It’s time to get very clear on the what’s to get to the whys. Grab a journal or notebook and let the floodgates open, asking yourself:

- what’s going on that isn’t working for me or what do I want to stop from happening – what does this look like?

- what triggers these behaviors? What proceeds the actions or events listed above?

- what do I want - what does that look like?

Lesson learned: It is my responsibility to outline what is acceptable behavior. What I will allow and what I will not. And to clearly let others know what this looks like. I cannot do that until I’m clear on the above questions. This wasn’t the most fun of exercises to do, it was hard.?

And then, after allowing myself to release a tsunami of feelings in a journal, I felt emotional chains begin to break.

4. Get help, sooner.

Saying it’s a challenge to break a major emotional pattern is putting it lightly. It is akin to breaking an addition. I quit smoking after 35 years. Setting boundaries was harder.?What is going to help the most – get help. Hire a coach or get an accountability partner. Get that battle armor – the support to stay connected to your goals and intentions.

Lesson learned: This is beyond a battle; this is a war for well-being. In any war, you need the best resources and allies you can get. I’m worth the fight and investment. So are you. Reread #1.

5. Timing, communication, and planning matter.

This really is a life change, and yet, there’s no need to make a major announcement. That’s almost inviting a challenge. Also, you don’t want to fire out your new rules in the middle of a trigger moment. That can lead to an emotional situation, victimhood, blaming, guilt, and anger.

Remember your triggers and cut them off at the pass.

For example. Every time Aunt Sally asks you to come over and cut her grass, she has a pattern. Right when you're putting away the lawnmower, she stops you. "Dear, since you’re here and now that you're done, you don't mind helping me, do you? Why don't you take me to pick up my dry cleaning, go to the pet store to get special dog treats, stop by Millies to pick up a recipe, go grocery shopping, go into town and pick out a new outfit, take out my trash, take a look at my garbage disposal….” You know where I’m going.

With your new boundaries, start out differently. When you go to Aunt Sally’s (assuming you’re still okay with cutting her grass), politely tell her, “I’ll get this grass knocked out for you then I have to run.”

She might balk and say she has other things for you to do. “Oh, I’m sorry, you didn’t ask me about those so I didn’t plan for it.” Is all you have to say. Stay firm. Stay nice. You’ll get there. Reread #1.

Lesson learned: It’s like reverse psychology. Know what move they are going to make and make the counter before they even try. Feels weird at first, but to be honest, I enjoyed the tactical thinking.

6. You’re going to backslide, and that’s okay, keep going.

You will be creating an interruption. Changing your interaction with people and how much of your time or space you share. It’s like going into their house while they are out and not only switching up all the furniture but moving all the rooms around. People aren’t going to easily adjust. That's okay, it’s not about them.

Still, it takes practice to walk in this new space. Remember #2, you’re going to get challenged and guilt trips. It is natural to backslide and give in. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Recognize it, forgive yourself, know you’ll do better next time, and move on.

Start small. Say “no thank you” to something small, that may seem insignificant. Those little wins add up and give you confidence.

Lesson learned: Changing habits is HARD. It's made worse when people know how to push your guilt or people-pleasing buttons. It's also hard with people very close to you. Forgiveness was critical in pushing past the setbacks. Reread #1.

7. This is on you, own it.

You determine how you want people to treat you. You cannot make people abide by that, and in that case, you have the choice of if they stay in your life and to what degree. This is your call. This was my biggest aha moment.

Lesson Learned: For some time, I was angry about how I perceived people taking advantage of me and my ‘good nature’. That’s bs. I allowed them to because I never set up rules for respecting me. That was on me. Once I took ownership, I had more compassion and respect for myself and others.

I can’t blame someone for being who they are. I also can’t get angry for doing things that I never told them to stop doing. Now, if I said this is a boundary and someone crosses it, that’s another story.

I realized my biggest flaw in success: I was trying to convince people to agree to my new rules. They weren’t going to because they did not benefit them. In some cases, it was perceived as a hurt.

Explain calmly, politely, and matter-of-factly – but never justify. You don’t need to – you're worth it. Reread #1.

Conclusion

Creating new life patterns isn’t easy and yet, worth it. Setting boundaries is the first step, keeping them is the hard step. You’ve got this. With practice, support, strategy, and clarity you can set and keep those healthy boundaries.

What do you do to keep your personal boundaries?

Share in the comments below!

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