7. How do you think of your Past?

In the next three articles I would like to look at our relationship with time. Time plays such a major role in our lives; all three concepts of it - the Past, Present and Future. The way we use these three aspects of time can have a fundamental impact on how we see ourselves, how we behave now, and how we will behave in the future. In workshops that I run when we talk about time i ask folk to draw three circles, to scale, representing how much of their current time do they spend thinking about the past (circle 1), being in the present (circle 2), and thinking about the future (circle 3). Why don't you do that now - go on - draw those three circles - to scale - and I'll discuss this in Article 9. Is there a right or wrong answer? Well I don't know - it depends - but I think there is.

Let's take a look at Past.

Our past has a tremendous influence on how we perceive the events that happen to us. It serves as our personal library, or database, of knowledge and experience. We draw on this knowledge every day, and it allows us to be effective. The information garnered from the past is both very rich and highly personalised. Without this body of personalised information, we would not be able to grow—instead we would have to relearn the same information all the time, akin to “reinventing the wheel” on a daily basis. The past, and more importantly, our memory of it, is integral in determining our present behaviour.

The past can be viewed in many ways. In the simplest interpretation, it is a mental construct or container which encompasses all the experiences you’ve had, providing perspective and continuity for ongoing experience. Some people have negative past experiences. They have memories that are burdensome and interfere with the present. Other people have positive memories of their past experiences and use this information as a resource in the present to shape their expectations of the future. Most likely we all have both, but it's what we call upon the most that matters.

Fundamental Question:

How do I feel about my past experiences?

People who hold negative views of their past feel burdened by their memories and experience a diminished emotional availability or response.

When negative things happened to them in the past, they made decisions about life or people, and incorporated the decisions into their personal belief systems. Thus, they rarely experience a new sequence of emotion because they are always acting through the filter and protocols of past experience. Decisions such as “You just can’t trust people” or “I don’t get along with people like that” affect people continually, often sub- consciously.

“In the carriages of the past you can’t go anywhere.”

—Maxim Gorky

It is difficult for people who are rooted in the past to consider the possibility of change, since they tend to be more cynical, already “knowing how things are.” This is also demotivating, because “knowing how things are” also implies that there is nothing you can do about it, leading to a “Why bother?” attitude. People in this situation will feel like they lack control, set small goals which they weakly strive toward, and lack creativity. They may also blame themselves for past decisions and mistakes, dwelling on their failures. A negative attitude about the past is really a rejection of yourself, or of the quality of your past experience; in this way, it is damaging to your self-image.

People with positive past views use their past as a resource, drawing on their experience and knowledge to improve their current experiences. They consider what has happened to them, both good and bad, and extract the lessons for later use. The lessons from past failures are just as valuable, frequently more valuable, than lessons from past successes. These people use their past for guidance, and it comforts them by helping them feel that they can control what happens to them. Their healthy view of the past promotes learning and growth, which in turn bolsters their self-image.

Behavioural Symptoms of Negative Past View

The following behaviours can be indicators of a negative past view, although this may not be the only cause of these behaviours. Notice if you frequently exhibit any of the following characteristics:

?   Dwell or worry about your past

?   Do not do things because you “already know how they are”

?   Feel frustrated that you can’t change things

?   Feel that events control you

?   Blame yourself for past failures

?   Repeat the same mistake

?   Complain a lot

?   Get upset without knowing exactly why

?   Fear your future

?   Resent or feel bitter about things that have happened to you

?   Feel guilt or regret about things you have done

?   Are cynical

?   Rarely change your mind about anything

“Man is a history-making creature who can neither repeat his past nor leave it behind.”

—D. H. Lawrence

Actions to Encourage Positive Past View

Keep an open mind: Scan the horizon. Add and adapt. The world often changes more quickly than our interpretation of it does. We need to remember to adapt, update, redesign, and modify what we know about the world and the ways we respond to it. By constantly “modernising” your views, it will be easier for you to accommodate the present, and avoid living in the past.

Corollary to adapting: Discard and replace. To update and change, you may have to discard the old, outmoded, and worn-out ideas to make room for the new. Erase what you think you know about how the world is, and make room for a fresh, new interpretation. Once you no longer “know,” possibilities abound.

Learn your lessons, and grow. All your experiences, both good and bad, provide lessons and opportunities for growth. Practice reflecting on your experiences to distil the transferable thoughts, ideas, and skills—the elements you can use elsewhere in your life to improve and grow. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?”

Take your time. It is normal to feel angry, upset, frustrated, or disappointed when negative things happen. Know that it takes time for these feelings to surface and resolve; often the best strategy is to be patient, work through the feeling, and wait for the cycle of the emotion to be complete. It is important to express the anger and frustration, for it is in the expression of it that it will be resolved, allowing you to move on to more positive feelings.

Share your experience. Can you turn your past experience into helpful advice for others? In addition to learning lessons yourself, you may be able to help other people to have more positive experiences. This helps you turn your negative view of the past into a more positive one. It will help improve your self-image, by contributing to others and validating you.

Learn from others’ experiences. You may be surprised to find how many people have had similar experiences as you. By combining their perspectives and lessons with yours, your past view will change. Support can come directly from other people, or from other resources, such as books.

Increase your awareness, live in the present. Sometimes just being aware that you are making decisions based on past experiences, or that you are not in the present, will help you “snap out of it” and reassess the situation based on current facts—not history.

Inventory your core operating beliefs. By revealing them to yourself (on paper), you will see that generalisations you have made about people and things based on your past experiences are not always true. You will also see how they limit your current experiences.

Challenge your assumptions regularly. There are assumptions that you have made that affect your daily life, that are quite likely invisible to you most of the time. Assumptions come from the past. What are your key assumptions, and how do they impact you? What would happen if you challenged them?

So the question is - what role does your Past play in your life? Want to learn more? Please don't hesitate to get in touch with me directly or visit our website.

Article 1. What is Stress?

Article 2. It's all about the way we think!

Article 3. Thinking clearly Under Pressure

Article 4. How do you view your Self-image?

Article 5. Where is your Locus of Control?

Article 6. To what degree are you Self-Sufficient?

Content for these articles has been sourced from the Human Synergistics International Stress Management Programme conducted by HSNZ, which utilises the Stress Processing Report diagnostic developed by Dr. Robert Cooke. This programme is available as a public programme or as an in-house (modified if you wish) programme. Please contact me to learn more. All content copyright Human Synergistics International 2020.

Images are from the awesome crew at Gapingvoid Design Group - thanks team!