7 actions to become an even better parent (and spouse, friend and leader)

You and I lead people. At work we lead, mentor, coach, train, inspire, connect, grow and develop people in our various circles of influence. But if we move on, someone else can do it. At home, we also lead, mentor, coach, train, inspire, connect, grow, develop and influence our children. And we're doing that a job for life. And while there is no measurable promotion or payrise, there is a discernable difference in family culture, attitude, and level of love and joy between parents who adopt specific perspectives and apply specific skills.

I also think these relationship skills might be more important now than ever before. The world is changing quickly. We're facing screens more often than facing people. And while you and I are probably digital immigrants, adapting to mobile technologies as they first came into our lives, our kids and the younger generations are digital natives. Their experience of life has never been without these technologies. So we may need some decisions about our boundaries and what's important, especially when it comes to the choices between interacting with our screens, and building relationships with people, in person.

Yesterday I was walking in Bishan Park in Singapore. It's like Central Park in New York - a huge green oasis surrounded by tall buildings - except here it's safe and it never freezes over. But I noticed couples sitting together on the large wooden recliners - they're big enough for two people on the one seat - and amidst the beauty of the park, the trees, the river, the birds, the gorgeous sky, both of them sat silently playing on their phones. Perhaps they were reading a book. That could be okay I suppose. But perhaps they weren't.

Nearby, a family of three generations took up two of these recliners and the space in between and they ate together, talked with each other and took in their surrounds. They were smiling more.

We have choices to make. Are our use of screens reducing relationship depth?

Algorithms distil a diverse, global conversation to individual preferences of curated reinforcement that can compress ideologies into myopic mindsets, isolationism, extremism, intolerance and a self-serving hatred of difference.

What if we can actively apply all these theories and ideas on emotional intelligence, relationship strategies and leadership, to something as simple and important as being an even better parent, spouse, co-worker, leader and friend?

These 7 skills of effective parenting apply to how we raise children, mentor next-level leaders, connect with partners, develop intimacy with our spouse, and become a genuine friend. So I was privileged to spend some time with a man who has dedicated around half a century of his life helping people become better parents, Josh McDowell.

I think Josh McDowell (seated on the right in the picture above - I took that picture last Sunday) might have nailed some of the key things we need to start looking at. I'm a professional speaker, and I really enjoy watching other true speaking professionals deliver with impact. Josh's message impacts our personal lives and the lives of our loved ones. His message helps heal hurts, and increase love in relationships. And quite frankly, the world needs a chunk of that right now... and forever. So I'm going to share what I learned with you.

At 79-years old, Josh McDowell - a father of four and grandfather of ten, a speaker in over 110 countries, and in over 1300 universities, and who has influenced millions globally through over 100 authored and co-authored books - delivers a session last Sunday on 7 areas we can each develop to be an even better parent. I noted that his advice is completely applicable to being an even better leader, spouse, friend, and co-worker too, but I'll use the parent-child relationship in this article.

Too late for me?

He said you can become a better parent starting now, no matter the state of the relationship with your child. Yes, it's never too late to start, but it will take more work the longer you leave it and the older the child gets, and while you can't guarantee any outcome, you'll become a better parent for trying.

Here are the 7 areas you can start putting into practice, immediately, and I've noticed that I already have and it's making a positive difference:

1. Practice AFFIRMING others more, especially when they hurt

When you affirm the emotions of a person, you give them a sense of authenticity. It's emotional intelligence in practice. When we listen to what has happened to them, don't go down the automatic path of trying to blame someone else ("what a terrible person X is!" or "Y should have stopped that happening!"), and avoid trying to fix the issue (men do this a lot; "well you should ..."), and don't even motivate at this point ("chin up, this will make you stronger!"), instead just be with them in that moment and feel their pain with them.

To a child, spouse, sibling or friend you might say, "I'm so sorry that happened. That must have really hurt. I feel that hurt too. I love you." While you might drop the "I love you" in the corporate space, you can still show you care about them. Because when you say that you feel their pain and that you love them in it, you are affirming that feeling that pain is normal, healthy and perfectly appropriate, and that you are with them in it.

Would your relationship strengthen with a person that chooses to go through your pain with you? Absolutely. When you go through your child's hurt with them - a fall, a disappointment, a missed victory, a relationship hurt, a bullying, a worse grade than they expected, a loss - and acknowledge their pain, feel it with them and express your love for them, you might just get a thanks or a nod, but your relationship is strengthening.

Strong memories form when experiences intermingle with strong emotions. This is both. What you say and do will stay with them, possibly forever. It can impact their identity; how they see themselves - and their self-esteem; how they respect themselves. And it can place you in a higher level of influence in their lives which is important as their available influencers shift from you as a parent, to teachers, peers, friends, co-workers, bosses, intimate relationships, and even relatively anonymous external or online communicators. What that means is that they are more likely to come home to you, to reach out to you, to confide in you, to choose you later in life.

Key phrases: I'm sorry that happened to you. That must have hurt. I'm hurting with you. I love you. I'm here for you.

2. Practice ACCEPTING others more, especially when they fail

Here you're accepting the person above their success or effort, even in - and especially in - failure. We tend to reward success because we want to encourage it to happen more frequently. But neglecting to acknowledge excellent effort during failure diminishes a person's sense of self-worth. It says to them, if I don't succeed, I'm not worthwhile. But they are worthwhile.

We're not talking about participation prizes, and certainly not those assured prior to the start of the race, but rather an act of acknowledgement of effort.

If the effort was sub-standard, or discipline required, then that's an accountability issue, covered in point seven, but even in that case acceptance still applies. I like to remind myself of this phrase I learned in church: hate the sin but love the sinner. In other words: the problem is the choice of behaviour of the person, but the problem is not the person. It's important for a child to know that you are making that distinction.

Acceptance, regardless of the result, is so important. Especially for a child. And especially during a disappointment. But equally so for a spouse, an employee or co-worker, or ... anyone, really.

Key phrase for a child: "Nothing you can do can stop my love an acceptance of you." And while Josh McDowell reminded me that I'd rather my daughter not test that assertion, he also reinforced that it is important that she knows that is where I stand. I love her no matter what.

3. Practice APPRECIATING others more, especially when they do something right

To have a sense of self-worth or significance suggests that significance is the feeling or thought that you've done or said something worthwhile. For another person to feel worthwhile, it's important that we catch them doing something right and immediately expressing our appreciation for what they did.

Here we are actively and intentionally seeking to reinforce positive behaviour. And for our children, no matter if they are a toddler or already an adult, it could be a welcome change from the all-too-common approach of always seeking to catch them doing something wrong.

Whose house would you prefer to spend your vacation, the one with appreciative parents, or the consistently demeaning one?

Which boss would you prefer to work for: appreciative and developmental, or demeaning and distant?

Exactly.

Often we have personal rules that sometimes we have not explicitly defined or reinforced. And when a child - or an employee, or a stranger - violates our rules, we get upset. We see this magnified to ridiculous extremes on social media, where the slightest violation of rules or perspectives is met with such vitriolic venom that the perceived perpetrator's life and psyche can be severely impacted by the avalanche of hate.

Instead of practising policing our perspective, we need to practise appreciating others'. It's amazing to me how those who champion tolerance and diversity and the first to exclude the intolerant or insular.

Catch them doing something right, and express appreciation.

"Thank you for doing ____, I really appreciate you for that."

"I noticed you saying _____, and I really like that you did that."

"I love the way you just did ________, that is exactly what I was hoping you would do and you did it, and super awesomely well."

Make it yours. Otherwise, it might sound condescending.

Like, don't look up right now and blurt out, "I appreciate you, honey. I appreciate you, son. I appreciate you, dad."

And then please don't follow that up with a broadcasted message to everybody in your address book saying, "In case you don't know, I appreciate you for something." Actually, that might be quite a conversation starter.

Equally, it doesn't work if you say, "I appreciate you for finally turning up to a meeting on time for the first time this year."

Come from a place of true appreciation, and tell them.

But what if they think that's your ultimate standard and get complacent? They won't if they know what the standard is already, and that you're going to do whatever you can to help them get there. And they won't if you have already begun deepening the relationship with them, so they want to do better, more often.

Key phrases: "Thank you for doing ____, I really appreciate you for that." Or, "I noticed you saying _____, and I really like that you did that." Or, "I love the way you just did ________, that is exactly what I was hoping you would do and you did it. It was awesome, nice one."

4. Practice being more AVAILABLE for others, especially spending time with loved ones

Spending time with your child says, "You're important to me." It also says to them, "You are loved." I love this phrase Josh shared: "Kids spell love: T-I-M-E." That means making some choices about what you're doing while your kids are around.

Harry Chapin's incredible 1974 song, Cats in the Cradle encapsulates the sad consequence of not doing this. In the final verse the father realises that never spending time with his son has come full circle:

"I've long since retired and my son's moved away. I called him up just the other day. I said, I'd like to see you if you don't mind. He said, I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time. You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kids have the flu, But it's sure nice talking to you, dad, It's been sure nice talking to you. And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me, He'd grown up just like me, My boy was just like me."

In my leadership development speaking and training work globally, I'm sharing the exact same thing with managers and leaders: invest in weekly one-on-one time with your direct reports (for more about that, ask me about Rule 15).

The point is, get over the idea that your time is your own. It belongs to the service of others, and your children are some of the most important of those others in your life. The time you invest in them has a greater chance of producing a return: that they return later in life. But even if they don't, this time, right now, is precious. Connect. Be available. Share time.

When Zoe is playing happily by herself, and I'm working on my laptop, sometimes she will ask me, "Daddy, would you like to play with me?" My answer 100% of the time is, "Yes, I'd love to." But I'm still working on removing the 10% of occasions where I still add, "But I just need to finish this thing and then I will."

We're all a work in progress, so long as we recognise when to cease progress with our work, and giving the priceless gift of our presence.

5. Practice being more AFFECTIONATE with others, especially your children

Hug your kid. You don't have to hug everyone else unless you're a hugger, but with your children, be huggy. It says to them, "I'm loveable."

When parents are distant in their affection, children don't have a family reference. So they look elsewhere. That can lead to looking for acceptance in the arms of others, which at its worst could lead to seeking to define themselves through:

• teen sex (which can lead to pregnancy) or pornography,
• seeking gang acceptance or alternative parental figures,
• adult promiscuity, extra-marital affairs, or a destructive pattern of relationships before any sort of healing might be sought.

But all that might not happen too. It could simply be that the child grows up and creates an intimate family, and doesn't come home to visit you when you want them too. Because they don't need to. Or maybe they do come home, but really they're there to visit your spouse, not you.

Give affection, a sense of love-ability. Hug, hold, kiss, smile, say.

I think this distinction makes sense when I survey the lives of those I've counselled during my time as a counsellor and when I lead teams as a corporate manager and leader. I had completed a science degree in Psychology at the University of Queensland in Australia and was a volunteer counsellor on crisis hotlines before moving into corporate roles. But even in my corporate career, I was dealing with the personal issues of those working under me. I never subscribed to the nonsense of "leave your home life at the door when you come to work." We are humans. What sort of manager do you want your child to work for? The robot or the human?

But the distinction also makes sense when I survey my upbringing, my brothers, my parents, and their stories. It hit home. I think any family with an absence of affection, or availability, or appreciation, or acceptance, or affirmation from even one of the parents, will have a profoundly negative impact on all the children. Nothing inherently bad, just the sad absence of awesome.

While children are resilient, these hurts can last years and impact relationships throughout their lives. Healing is possible, but it can take decades of adulthood to do so.

Stoicism is not the way to rear a child. Even if you're Vulcan.

Key actions: Hug, laugh, love.

6. Practice Approaching their world more, being involved with what they are interested in, even if you're not that interested just yet

"Daddy, do you want to play with me?" Yes. Close screen. Play. What are they into now? Not interested? Be interested anyway. Lead by example. Love by being in their world, sharing their experiences with them.

Josh McDowell explains how a sense of connection requires a parent stepping into the world of their children and being there with them, in it, together. Because later, when they've grown, and are busy, and you're wondering how they're doing, they will hopefully step into yours.

I once coached a dentist in Australia who was having some challenges with his partner, an anaesthetist. They were both working hard, creating a home together in the city, and would spend weekends on their farm in the countryside. But they were getting increasingly distant somehow. I asked him what they do when they're at the farm. "I want to relax with a glass of champagne and read a book, and all he does is dig drains, fix fences, and run around the property."

I explained a strategy and gave him an assignment for the next time they were on the farm: he was to go and help dig the drains and fix the fences with his partner. He wasn't to tell him why, or negotiate any deals, but to give his weekend to his partner and see what happened. It was extremely positive. Strangely enough, our coaching sessions took place during rehearsals for an award-winning theatre production we were both acting in called Dinner With Friends. It's about what happens to two married couples who had all been best friends for decades when one couple splits up.

Sometimes we need to get out of our world and approach their world. Play in their joy circle.

When there's something I love doing, that experience is magnified when I can share the experience with someone else. Like watching a movie, or travel, or watching a football game. I enjoy cooking up a feast and wonderful wine. All of those are always better with others. I enjoy creating new things.

I enjoy board games too. They create a wonderfully fun, dynamic social event that creates a wonderful space for conversation, connection, and a bit of creative, competitive strategy to all simultaneously happen around a table with a group of friends. But without others, not fun. We have Games Nights, we're having another one this Friday. There's a coveted trophy too. It's a toilet plunger with a star on top.

My wife Lydia is into growing cacti, making semi-precious necklaces, painting stones or watching her favourite shows about power struggles. All aren't interesting to me... until I get closer. Then each can be fascinating if I choose to immerse, even for a short while. Except maybe some of the shows. I find it hard to commit to a TV show. Unless it's live football. And even then, not always. And watching a screen together is kind of like being alone and silent together. Sometimes that's good, we both like Star Trek and a good movie, but those zone out times work because all the other engaged-together activities are happening at other times. To strengthen relationships, immerse into shared activities with your loved ones.

Zoe's into drawing, or binge-watching her favourite show about a talking canine rescue team or a transforming robot aeroplane courier. "Daddy do you want to watch with me?" I don't want to watch the show, but I do want to watch the show with her. And she loves it when I do, especially when I laugh at something. "Yes, I do! What are we watching?"

After an episode concludes, I might quickly suggest we play a game or read a book together before the next episode has a chance to start. I even published a book to read together with her, and have her in it as one of the characters. It's called Billy Bottombomb and the Great Poo of Pottyville. Yes, I'm a global keynote speaker and I wrote a poo book. It's actually potty-training book to help children transition from diapers to using a toilet. But that's what I mean about investing in their world.

Key actions: immerse into their world, even when you don't want to.

7. Practice positive Accountability, especially with a strong relationship foundation.

This final one is about holding people accountable to rules, boundaries, and limits. There are consequences for actions, attitudes and rebellion. McDowell emphasized the key is to give your children reasonable rules, boundaries and limits in their lives, and then hold them accountable to them. But core to effective discipline is to ensure there is a strong loving relationship underpinning the process. Because when there is, the discipline breeds respect and love, and when there isn't the discipline breeds resentment and anger.

For teens it's handy to use a coach-negotiator style. Ask them what time they're coming home and why they think that's reasonable before explaining your reasons for your possibly different point of view. Then negotiate to an agreement that they own and agree to, and then hold them to that with the negative consequences or positive affirmation that their resulting actions deserve.

Years ago I hosted the English version of a video series called Happy Parenting where I worked with Professor Amos Rolider whose work formed the basis of the Hebrew version of the show. For younger children, one of the strategies he advocated was to discuss and reinforce agreed boundaries before embarking on a trip, an activity or a visit to the shops. "Remember we agreed that you can have one small toy on this trip? How many toys?" Or one item at the cinema, or one type of desert, or one sweet, or that we are only going to one shop, or whatever. Then the child has a recent, agreed and easy to recall boundary.

It's important you also reinforce your reasonable consequences. "If you choose to be naughty, we will go back to the car." Should they misbehave, the consequences are put into place. Sometimes that means getting back in the car for a while. It could even mean that you go home without getting what you wanted to get. Professor Rolider said that parents required the discipline of following through and that it would sometimes inconvenient, but when the child realised that these were the consequences and that they would be followed through, their behaviour modified.

McDowell talked about reasonable discipline as being important. If you over-discipline, you get bitterness. If you under-discipline, you get disrespect and the stretching of or complete disregard for the rules.

Discipline options are not one-size-fits-all either. One child's punishment chore is another child's playtime. Choose the right punishment chore or activity or loss appropriate to that chid's preferences and temperament. The purpose is to modify behaviour toward a positive consequence and away from a negative consequence. If there is no negative consequence, then the child need not strive to shift and complacency could instead become reinforced. Find out what makes them tick, and use that.

Most important of all, invest in building your relationship with your child. Otherwise, your home becomes a battlefield during times of discipline.

The most successful club in English football is Manchester United. But when Sir Alex Ferguson retired as manager, his immediate successors were not successful. David Moyes seemed defensive and overwhelmed at the magnitude of the task, so they hired super successful Louis van Gaal to replace him.

LVG's attitude was so ego-centric and his goal was to mould the players into his style rather than adapt his style to work with the players he had. His arrogance and "My way or the highway" approach saw the club send him on the highway, and replacing him with Jose Mourinho, someone whose track record for winning was fantastic, but who was even more arrogant, egotistical, and self-centred and whose style of play was boring and unlike what Manchester United's culture is all about. Mourinho had World Cup winning players in his team and he was disciplining them harshly with public condemnation and banishing them to the reserve bench as punishment.

His attempt at discipline failed for two reasons in my opinion: the punishment didn't fit the crime, and he didn't build the relationship of a father who loved and cared for his players, so much so that when he would call them out on their complacency or lack of effort, they would do anything to restore the loving relationship. He was sacked too.

Then they brought in Ole Gunnar Solksjaer as the interim manager. He was a former striker under Sir Alex Ferguson and had been managing for several years. He didn't have the trophy cabinet track record as a manager, but he knew the culture of the club, and he approached the role with a different attitude and personality.

Solksjaer brought the players back to life by believing in them, appreciating them, affirming them, accepting them, and being in their world at a different level. He was a parent they wanted to play for, and the results followed. The club went on a totally unexpected and unprecedented winning streak, returning to the type of football of the Ferguson era, and with the exact same players Mourinho had.

When we lead with purpose and relationships at the forefront, results in our side view and our ego way, way behind, we can create a completely different experience that defines the culture of our team or family unit. And produces a better result.

Build relationship equity.

Be the better parent starting today: that's the challenge Josh McDowell presented to me, and I now present to you.

Let's avoid this:

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man in the moon, "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when, But we'll get together then, dad. You know we'll have a good time then."

Instead, let's prepare a future of this... and for me it's:

Thanks, Daddy

Your children matter more than that thing on your device. Let's turn off our screens, and go play.

----

Tim Wade, father and husband...

...and only after that am I a Global Conference Speaker on motivation, creativity and change.