6 surefire ways to have a crappy local ad campaign

We've all seen and heard them, they're all around us...crappy local ad campaigns! But do you have a sure-fire method to make sure your next campaign is a crappy one? Follow these easy steps and we'll show you how!

1. Shoot, ready, aim: If you really want to blow through some cash with positively terrible results, just throw stuff against the wall and see what sticks. DON'T have a plan. Planning and thinking through your business's overall goals are just a big waste of time. Strategy...Hooey!
2. Buy media the way you use media. Because everyone does it the way you do it, right? You get up at precisely 6 am and watch the Channel 34 news for 30 minutes while you drink your first cup of coffee. Then flip over to the Agriculture station on cable to check out the Hog futures. Then, at 6:35, it's shower time. In the car by 7 am, you travel I 480 east to your office. On the way, you listen to Ravel on the Symphony channel on satellite radio. You sometimes switch over to Outlaw Country if the Symphony channel doesn't play enough Stravinsky. While you sit in traffic, you glance around you and are sure that everyone has satellite radio. Yes, even the guy next to you in the '76 Cutlass. Everyone. You look to your right and see that billboard with the giant chicken sandwich (as does everyone this morning). At precisely 7:23 you arrive at the office. Before departing the car, you check the Hawaii app and see an ad about nasal spray. That's just the way it is, for everyone.
3. Make sure your creative is poorly written. This is an easy one. So many examples to choose from! Poor writing is an absolute necessity for bad ad campaigns. You are an exterminator and kill bugs for a living. Your father killed bugs and your grandfather killed bugs (you learned at the age of nine that house fly in Latin was musca domentica). But you also fancy yourself a modern-day Keats. It is important to put everything in your commercial that people need to know. It is always effective to list as many features and benefits about your business as possible: the year founded, location, directions to location (doesn't matter that you will be going to the customer's house, they still need to know), phone number three times (so much easier for the customer to remember than deadbugs.com) and that bedbug extermination is 20% off this week only. You could go on and on, but the critical part is that you must cram as many of these little nuggets into every ad. Important even with your Outdoor campaign, because everyone needs to know all of these facts as they zip by your billboard at 70 miles per hour.
4. If you can, use your family or employees as actors in your spots. People around the office say John (in parts and service) is a handsome man. Mary in accounting had a part in her high school play. They will make a convincing married couple! Again, make sure that the script is poorly written. Also see to it that John and Mary speak haltingly and nervous when they act out their parts.
5. Create a need for your business that no one understands. You own an office supply store. One office supply store. That is why people should come to your business. Why would people buy toner or pens or paper from a store that has many locations? Doesn't everyone that buys paper need to know that the owner has one store and is onsite when they buy that paper?
6. Create a new brand for your business every month or so. If you have a slow sales week, blow up the brand and try another one. Don't stick with it. You won't confuse people. After all, who remembers "Flo" from Progressive or the "Geico gekko"?

Here's to you breaking all these rules!

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