6 Strategies That Give You More Courage To Fulfil Your Potential

This week I’d like to share some of the perspectives of nineteenth century Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler sourced from the brilliant Japanese bestseller, The Courage to be Disliked.?

1.????The source of our happiness comes from our interpersonal relationships.

Choosing to be happy helps you be more proactive in fulfilling your potential. The three keys to this are:

?a)???Accept Yourself

TRUST that you have the ability to achieve what you want.

Focus on what you can control and change = your actions. Be self-reliant.

This can be a tough one for achiever types because we usually want more from life and can quickly beat ourselves up.

b)???Have Unconditional Confidence in Others

This may be quite confronting for you, but it helps you build better relationships.

*See others as comrades (equals) rather than superiors or underlings.

*Believe they will come through.

*If you don’t want to do this with a specific person, then sever that relationship. Yes, shallow relationships will fall apart but having the courage to forge deeper relationships will bring more joy elsewhere.

*Be happy for other people’s successes, otherwise you run the risk of seeing everything as victory or defeat and seeing everyone as competition and the enemy. Then you can contribute to other people’s happiness.

If this is too hard for you, go back to a). Accept yourself better as an imperfect human being (hopefully) trying to do your best in the world. Stop your current lifestyle if it’s causing you such a level of grief that you don’t trust yourself.

Taking advantage is someone else’s task. Sever those relationships should it happen.

“To see others as comrades, one needs both self-acceptance and confidence in others.”?

Having this level in confidence in others may take time.

c)????Contribute to others.

You have a concern for others rather than an attachment to self. Make your life part of a community – one of service rather than a self-centred one where you have to be the star of the movie. Adler’s concept of ‘community’ can be almost anything on any scale that benefits the world you live in – from your family, to an environmental project, to being the leader in your industry or of your country – whatever community appeals to you.

The wins are powerful because they lead to:

i.?????A sense of belonging

ii.????WORTHINESS* - this is something you give to yourself and can come from feeling beneficial to the community. This makes it easier to accept yourself just as you are

iii.???The COURAGE to transform one’s life’s tasks:

“We do not lack ability. We just lack courage. It all comes down to courage.”

iv.???Happiness - from feeling like a contribution

*All statements of worthiness are subjective interpretations vs. objective facts. You make value judgements of yourself (even if you heard them from a flawed adult first) that you can change. This allows you to make your own choice. Reframe a negative into fuel to grow.

2.????The outcomes you get are based on the meanings you give them.

?“No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on.”

You choose your lifestyle and outcomes in all areas based on the meanings you give them. If you don’t like the results you are getting in an area of your life, tune into the stories you tell yourself (that rationalise your outcomes), beliefs you have and the excuses/reasons you give about that area. Then rewrite those. If you can accept you have decided on your lifestyle, then you can decide to chart a new course and listen to a new script. Not easy but your brain can pull it off.?

3.????How to handle someone else’s anger:

Anger is a tool – a means of achieving a goal by someone who wants to win and prove their power. Use this next time someone in your life is mad at home or on your commute:

a)???Do not be taken in by someone who wants a power struggle (like road rage).

b)???It is not a defeat to step down, apologize, admit mistakes (partly because if you ‘win’, the other person will find a way to exact revenge and matters will often get worse).

c)????No matter how much you might think you’re right, try not to criticise the other party on that basis. If you think you’re right, you step into a power struggle. Take away the competition/winning/losing – then you can correct and change yourself. Focus on your task – what you can control. Along the same lines of what your tasks in life are…

4.????Avoid seeking recognition from others or fear being disliked.

People pleasing and living to satisfy the expectations of others is LIVING A LIE. It’s trying to live someone else’s life. Children often do this throughout their lives to try to please their parents.?

Don’t live worried what others will think of you and be afraid to act.?Adler explained this as a separation of tasks: “What another person thinks of you - if he or she likes you or dislikes you – that is that person’s task.” Not yours.

Don’t worry about people looking at you, worrying what they think of you. That’s other people’s tasks. You have no control over that. “Freedom is being disliked by other people.” And being unconcerned by their judgements.

THEN YOU CAN follow through on your own way of living based on how you can most powerfully impact the world: “What I should do is face my own tasks in my own life without lying,” and not worry about managing other people’s emotions because that’s their task. By all means try to contribute to the happiness of others, but don’t do it for the recognition or worry about their response. That’s their job.?

A great first step is to always ask: Whose task is this? “And do not intervene in other people’s tasks or allow even a single person to intervene in one’s own tasks.” This can even include not intervening in your children’s homework unless they seek help. Let them develop their self-reliance.

5.????If you want control in your relationships…

Don’t bring out bad memories/thoughts of someone from the past because then you can practice having confidence in others and improve a relationship. You will treat people differently. THEN you will be holding the cards to repair a relationship. Because you have changed the goal.

Remember the new mindset from #4. ‘I am not concerned what this person thinks of me (that’s not my task) or how s/he responds (not my task). The issue is that I am resolved to change, and I am always holding the interpersonal relationship cards.’

?Note: You cannot change the other person. That’s not the goal. If you need recognition, the other person holds the cards: you’re waiting for the likes and the comments.

6.????Life has to be lived NOW as a series of moments

DO NOT BE BOUND BY THE PAST: it leads to unhappiness, and you stop focusing on fulfilling your potential.

Regardless of any event, the next question is: WHAT CAN I DO FROM NOW ON?

This is how you determine your life.

I realise that little of the above is easy, but it has some transformative capacities and I truly hope you use some of them.

To focusing on what you control and impact!

Matt

Copyright Matt Anderson, 2023