Welcome back Forging Lifers!
In this series, we are talking about the six pillars to a happier life. In the last article, we talked about balancing work and well-being to create a happier life. You can catch up on the last article by going here
! Today, it's all about building a strong relationship in the home. I will share 8 different traits that have helped attribute to a successful marriage with my wife.
After 19 years of marriage, I have definitely made a lot of mistakes along the way. Being in the military while being married had its own unique challenges. Making a commitment to the nation had to come before the relationship I had with my wife. Understanding that, she had to step up in my absence. The success of the household relied on her. There was a problem with this though. When I would get home from work, I didn't help out the way I could have to eliminate the stress from her. She continued to cook, clean, and take care of our children while I had the time to do as I pleased. There was no balance in the relationship.
There was a saying in the military. "If the military wanted you to have a wife, they would issue you one". Spouses of service members are the backbone of them, but the service member should be the backbone of the family. I spent many years being physically present but not mentally present. One day, sitting in my car before walking in the house, I realized that if I didn't start showing up for my family, someone else would. Wow, what a punch in the gut. I knew it was time to start making a change. The first step was to change me. I began learning from books, podcasts, and even courses. We also went to marriage retreats to work on the relationship together.
Many challenges showed its ugly head in our marriage. Here are 8 traits that strengthened our relationship:
- COMMITMENT: We made a commitment at the beginning of our marriage and take divorce off the table. Unless something was majorly screwed up, that means we have to work through the difficult times and not turn our backs on each other.
- EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION: Listen to understand, don't listen to just hear. I used to listen and pick one thing that was stated by her. That means I wouldn't listen to everything because I am now holding on to that one thing to come back with. What I find effective to ensure I understand her point of view, is to state "From what I understand, you're saying XYZ, is that correct?" This helps us to be on the same page or perspective. Effective communication is about understanding each other, not finding something to pick apart
- GRATITUDE FOR EACH OTHER: The more gratitude that you find about each other, the stronger the love can become. There is something in our brain called the reticular activating system (RAS) that searches for things that we find important. If you start looking at all the things your spouse does wrong, you will only find more of what is wrong because you trigger the RAS. By showing gratitude, you can trigger the RAS to find the things you love about the person. Gratitude is the third step towards love. The four steps towards love are: Acceptance, Appreciation, Gratitude, Love.
- GOALS: Everyone talks about personal goals but may lack relationship goals. Working towards a common goal in marriage, builds teamwork and creates a path in which you both move towards. This helps move the relationship forward without becoming stagnant. Having individual goals within the marriage is great to have too! Communicate the goals so that you can both support each other. If the goal takes time away from the relationship to achieve it, make sure that your spouse understands it and supports it. I typically break my goals into quarters and reevaluate. I may need to allow her time to complete her goals for the next quarter. It's give and take so don't make it one sided or your spouse may become resentful.
- ADAPTABLE: Just like in the goals, you need to be adaptable in a relationship. There will be circumstances that may come up that throws the goals right out the window. Sit down together and come up with ways to move forward.
- QUALITY TIME TOGETHER: If you are a planning type person, this should be the first thing that goes on your calendar and then build everything else around it. Haven't had a date night in a while? It's time to sweep each other off your feet again. Relationships are meant to be fun together. When the relationship first started, you would find any way possible to spend time together. As time progresses, you may find yourself slipping away from all the things you used to do because you made other things a priority. Now is the time to make the two of you a priority once again.
- INDEPENDENT TIME: If you've been in a relationship for a while, you may find that your time is being given to your career, school, kids, and even the relationship. Carve out some time each week to do something for yourself. Get with friends, sit down and watch your favorite tv show, go camping, or even just have an hour to do nothing. Regardless, we can all use a little time to ourselves.
- INTIMACY: Some would say the difference between a friendship and a relationship is intimacy. There are several types of intimacies. The few that I'll mention here are: Emotional Intimacy, Physical Intimacy, and Intellectual Intimacy. In general, intimacy is needed to keep the spark in the relationship. If you don't have it, you will find yourself with a roommate instead of a soulmate. Connecting on an emotional level can be effective communication and holding conversations, sharing experiences, and quality time. Physical intimacy is all about affectionate touch such as holding hands, hugging, and kissing. Physical intimacy also covers intimate activities such as cuddling, showering or taking a bath together, and sexual activities is satisfying one another. Intellectual Intimacy is having stimulating conversation and sharing goals and dreams.
As you can see, these 8 traits intertwine and support one another. Each one of them are important in its own way but is crucial towards the success of a marriage. Do you have some traits of your own? Share with us in the comments what you have found that has led towards the success of your marriage.
I'm currently conducting research for an upcoming book on marriage. If you are currently married or have been married, I could use your help in a survey. Please help me to gather this information so that I can continue helping others! Head over to https://forginglife.org/marriage-survey/
to take the survey.
In the next newsletter, you will discover more on the third pillar of life which is health and fitness.
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P.S. Know of specific topics you'd like me to explore further? don't hesitate to reach out and share your thoughts. Together, we can uncover the secrets to living a life of purpose, passion, and fulfillment.
