52 for 52. Instalment 2.

The ancient Hebrew meaning for the word Abracadabra is “I create what I speak”, it’s a meaning I have always loved deeply.? I believe in the power of language; that we are the sum of the words we use - the words we throw out into the world, and those we run on loops within our minds.?

Which is why sometimes I find it amusing that I am still surprised by the power of a single word.? In 2017 in a Business Mentoring Group I was introduced to the concept of choosing your word for the year and to be incredibly honest I chose not to really participate.? I mean I chose a word, but simply one that would sound good. The word that gets gasps and ah’s and so good in a room when you announce THIS is YOUR word for THIS year.?

Somewhere in the first few years it shifted for me. I remembered the Hebrew origins of Abracadabra, and how powerful intentionally choosing a word to create both the North Star - and the undercurrent - for the year to come can be and in the last few years I have been very deliberate about the word I have chosen and what it means. The word that kept landing for me as we shifted into 2024 was Trust.? Trust and Surrender.? Trust and Surrender and Self-Trust.? Knowing for quite some time that my learning in this life is grounded in leaning into and deepening self-trust.? And it is already layering into deep understanding and greater questions, and showing up in ways unexpected.?

Last weekend I picked up the phone to message from a girlfriend I would be seeing later that evening.? It simply said hey do you have time for a call before I see you. Curious, because we were going to be seeing each other later anyway, I said sure.?

It was a confronting conversation on a deeply personal level.? Not dramatic, or traumatic, or hurtling down cliffs of anger or hurt. ? Just a simple conversation with a friend who loves me deeply telling me she needed to be able to lean on me, that she wanted me present for what is coming next for her, and she wanted to know that I wouldn’t disappear.?

And in just one voice, hers, and the words she used, I could hear the echos of a lifetime. The quiet acceptance in the people closest to me that I will always retreat when I have to work through something, or I am at capacity, emerging when I feel stronger, better, the pressure is over.? That it is known that I love those closest to me, deeply but it is not always felt. ?

And in this rapidly expanding opportunity to lean into self-trust I have also started to realise something else.? The people who are coming into my world, or choosing to stay with me even as I feel to disappear, they are all holding me accountable to love.? They are all letting me know that it is not enough to know I love them, they need to feel it, they need my whole-hearted presence.? Which is why after that conversation, I hung up the phone, and continued standing in the sun in the backyard for a few minutes more with my eyes closed.? With one earth-altering realisation weaving its way through my heart and soul, and I walked back in and sat down with Martin, and simply said. ?

“I don’t Love very well”

His response was a beautiful, resounding, yes you do.? And I do.?

I love deeply.? I feel deeply.? I see to the depths of my soul. ?

But I don’t express and ‘do’ Love well.? I keep it behind a firewall.? It’s something that is private to me and hidden from others, sometimes even from the ones I love the most who need to know it the most.?

There are reasons . Loving, feeling and seeing deeply my entire life brought with it chaos.? In a world of big things and bigger people and games being played and loves found and lost and ever shifting landscapes to love and feel and see everything without restriction created immense joy and laughter and colour and darkness and anger and sadness and frustration and fury and voids and sometimes all swirling together.? The ability to see into and around and to question without filter both to understand and to challenge created a cacophony of both resistance and overwhelm that slowly yet deafeningly stripped away my willingness to show up in the world in the full, and what felt, insanely deep, expression of all that I feel and all that I am. ?

There are reasons.? Back stories that rival Hollywood Blockbusters.? Living with Complex PTSD.? An acceptance that this is simply how I am. ?

But in a personal breakthrough weekend in the hills north of Perth late last year the words spoken into me as I moved through understanding one of the biggest and most deeply scarring events in my life were simply ‘All Children learn to love.? Some learn to love well, but most learn to love painfully”.?

Those two sentences have allowed something to start to burn again.? Because if we learn how we love, we can unlearn and relearn how to Love.? And whilst Trust will remain my word, it’s because its my gateway to Loving well.? ?

Not just Loving "well enough" for where I’ve come from.? But Loving in the full expression of whole-hearted Love that springs from trust, surrender, and self-trust.?

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This year I turned 52, making a deeply personal commitment to write each week in a blog series called '52 For 52'.?Not SEO enriched, not to hold a call to action, simply to express where my lived experiences take and, often, push me, to explore the thinking that bubbles in shower moments and long walks and in the midst of great books.?Very soon these will all be published via a dedicated blog site, but for this week and next, I am sharing them with you here, as I build the rhythm and the cadence that will edge me ever closer to realising my deepest dreams.