50+ After Divorce--Fourth Phase on the Road Through Recovery

In previous blogs I wrote about the first three phases on the Road Through Recovery after divorce. The first phase is REJECTION and acts as a buffer for pain and uncomfortable emotions until your psyche can begin to handle the emotions of the trauma you have been through. The second phase is RESENTMENT. This is when you begin to allow intense feelings that you rejected to finally hit. The feelings can manifest as anger which may be covering up or masking many of the emotions and pain you are experiencing underneath. The third phase is RENEGOTIATION. In this phase you may be desperate to alleviate the pain and feel willing to do almost anything to lessen it—mulling over “What If…” or “If Only…” . This phase is the last desperate attempt to escape from reality giving you time to adjust to what is. 

The fourth phase is REMORSE. In this phase, you begin to look at the reality of the situation through sad eyes. You have let go of RENEGOTIATION because you realize it is not an option. This is a time where you may take the time for introspection and retreat into yourself.

Ellen was “stuck” in the REMORSE phase. She was married at 22 after finishing college, raised four children, and got divorced after 32 years. She and Richard grew up in the same town. The marriage was rocky right from the start. Richard and Ellen were both “too young” and basically “stuck it out” for the children and because of the upbringing mindset so typical during that generation. Being a dutiful daughter, she married the person that was expected of her. After all, they had dated during the last two years of college and Richard was more than an occasional visitor to her home. It was the natural progression and was expected. Sound familiar?

She initiated the divorce. She knew almost from the very beginning that the person she married was not necessarily the person who she would be happy with for the rest of her life but went through with it anyway. After the children were grown and gone she decided to make the break.

Ellen was “stuck” in the REMORSE phase because she felt terrible guilt of having ended the marriage as well as staying in it so long and feeling so unhappy. She was being true to herself but was filled with regret as she looked back on her life and the people close to her that were affected by her decision.

She became “unstuck” when she realized that it is necessary to acknowledge and accept the uncomfortable feelings she is experiencing, in order to heal. She gave herself permission to accept that she was being true to herself in spite of these feelings. Here are some the issues that she needed to work on.

• Knowing that working through the guilt and sadness will allow her to make a positive shift in the uncomfortable emotions she is experiencing.
• Making and effort to cultivate a good support system--engaging with family and friends instead of wallowing around in negative emotions and isolating herself.
• Accept her feelings and forgive herself because she realizes that internally it is doing more harm than good.

The good news for Ellen is that once she works through this phase, it is the precursor to the final stage which is REALITY.

If you are divorced and ready to embrace a new beginning and create a new life on your own terms, contact me at [email protected]. You can also go to my website, https://www.livingabovetheordinary.com, and fill out the contact form. I offer a complimentary strategy session. There are many of you out there. THE TIME IS NOW.