5 years of Vipassana - What has changed?

?It was 2008, a usual late evening finish at the credit trading desk during the credit crisis. As we were wrapping up, my manager mentioned he was keen to do Vipassana, a 10-day silent meditation retreat to clear his mind. The idea of prolonged silence just hit a deep chord in me, and I knew I had to give a try. For those who don’t know Vipassana, it is a meditation technique that has been handed down to the present day by an unbroken chain of teachers, starting with Buddha. The technique focuses on eliminating impurities of the mind through deep self-observation and disciplined attention to physical sensations.

?It took over 8 years until I finally signed up for one in 2016. By then I had heard stories ranging from people uprooting their life to focus 100% on their spiritual journey to people leaving the course midway. I was nervous and excited for what was in store for me. My family was equally anxious, not knowing what this might do to our lives and at a deeper level worried if I would ever return.

I went through what I would term as an average 10-day experience at the course. My first day was a revelation on how fickle my mind was and how hard it was to put it down to observe my breath for even a few seconds. The second day I wanted to run away but somehow stuck it out, maybe because my ego won’t let me walk back with a perceived failure. The next 4 days, I was fascinated by all the sensations I became aware of on my body and began to concentrate. On day 6, I wanted to run away again thinking that I had learnt enough but really was just dipping into serious meditation. On day 10, when silence was finally broken, I felt calm and happy.

?I did not have any life changing revelations, nor a particularly blissful experience, in fact it was quite painful physically. But during one of my sittings, I realized that I become worried if someone at work calls me into their room for a chat. A flash from my childhood made me remember that being called into a room typically meant that I was about to get a spanking from my parents. Somehow realizing that untied a deep knot in my mind and it has stopped affecting me since then. A lot of regret surfaced about me not treating people kindly, and a lot of gratitude towards everyone around me, especially my family who go the worst of me being the closest. The only other significant thing I remember from that retreat is sitting on a plane to get back home, I could feel the vibrations of the jet engine so strongly that I wondered how I missed it so far in my life.

?I came back to my life much more easily than I left. My family were relieved to see me and I was grateful to see them, I still kept doing the same job, the same hobbies, the same everything. And yet, everything seemed to have changed. I became calmer in most situations and my awareness increased significantly. There were periods where I could literally smell a friend’s presence from miles away. I maintained my daily practice of 1-2 hours per day through the year but realized that I began to fall back into my short temper about 9 months after the retreat. So, I decided I would boost my practice again by doing it annually and have done one every 12-18 months ever since.

?My second retreat 18 months later felt much easier, maybe because I knew what to expect or may be because I had become used to the practice. Besides some of the other revelations of my sub-conscious, two other significant things happened. Firstly, since childhood, I have carried this allergy that would make me sneeze a hundred times every time I had a bit of dust in my nose. Ever since my first retreat, I had become acutely aware of this ever present pressure on the top of my nose. On day 6 of my second retreat, I felt the pressure lift and disappear completely and it was as if my breath had become completely unblocked. The experience lasted a few months after the retreat but returned eventually as I guess I settled back into my old habits or in Vipassana terms as other impurities of mind surfaced. Secondly, my job took on a meaning of helping others which made for a much more fulfilling career and life. I was still as eager as ever to grow, but the satisfaction started to be drawn from something else on a daily basis.

?My third retreat was a much-needed break from a particularly emotional year at work and I knew going into the retreat that it would help me clean out a lot of negativities I carried in my mind. I had come to detest a few individuals which was beginning to affect my health. Coming out of the retreat, I began to practice giving goodwill to the people I thought I most disliked. And that, completely changed my life! I began to react less when someone did something I didn’t like. I could see it objectively, I could care enough to understand their perspective, and even if I didn’t agree with the actions, the experiences no longer swayed my emotions as much or for as long created negativity in mind against someone.

?My fourth retreat during covid was a non-event except for the fact it was cut short on the ninth day as the state went into lock down. However, I had gone through my usual experience of learning and self-discovery to come back home calm and refreshed, ready for the year ahead.

?My fifth and the most recent retreat, broke through a few mental barriers for me. It was day 7 and I was trying to stay concentrated for longer through some extra-long sittings between breaks. I could see the pain in my body dissolve as I sat for longer and I could see the thoughts fade away almost completely. And then after a very long time, I cried as I saw my family including my kids, wife, and parents die in a car crash while they were coming to pick me up. After a few painful seconds, I realized I was hallucinating and got back to practicing but with tears still in my eyes. The thought continued to bother me for the rest of my stay until I saw my family, happy and healthy once I finished the retreat. I had seen a lot of close family members die growing up, including my first cousin who I carried to the operating table after a terrible car accident which smashed his face making it hard for him to breathe. He didn’t survive, and since then crying became extremely rare for me. My experience at the retreat was a revelation that I had not become immune to difficult experience, but rather I had pushed it down so far in my sub conscious that I forgot that side of my personality. And the realization of it, was liberating.

?As I reflected on these last 5 years, I realized my life at a mundane level hasn’t really changed. I still live a regular worldly life, do the same job, have the same friends and hobbies with no plans of changing anything soon. However, deep down I know everything has changed. I experience a whole lot more through being aware, I worry very little even when things seem very difficult, and I value kindness a lot more than intellect. As I write this, I am back on my Monday morning flight for work to help my team, feeling calm and happy about the year ahead knowing that it will come with its share of experiences which I am ready to learn from.?