5 weird decisions that make my marriage awesome.

Last week was Valentine’s Day.

I don’t know if you observe it, but every year, Jenny and I have a chocolate fountain we run all week on the kitchen table. I also write her a 17-page handwritten letter expressing my love. I use a quill because feathers express love better than pens. Then I carefully arrange the petals of 1,000 roses throughout our house in geometric patterns because I’m an amazing husband.

OK, I don’t do any of that but it sure feels like people on Instagram do. Just when you’ve gotten over the creative pressure of Elf on the Shelf, you have to fire up the imagination for Valentine’s Day. That’s a lot of pressure.

Jenny and keep it pretty low key for Valentine’s Day but there are 5 weird decisions that have made our marriage awesome.

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Decision 1 – We went to counseling.

Counseling isn’t weird now, everyone does it. Your dog probably has a therapist, but when Jenny and I started doing it in 2003 there were a lot less folks going. Twenty years ago, if you told neighbors you were going to a counselor, they would say, “Ohhh no, what happened? Was it gambling or porn? I’m kidding it’s never gambling.” Back in the day, people thought counseling was only for fixing emergencies. What we learned though is that talking to a professional can actually make your marriage awesome.

For instance, we learned how to communicate with each other. I will never forget when our counselor Jeff said, “Jon and Jenny, it seems like you both have tremendous insight into Jon.” That was his polite way of saying, “Jon, shut up, you’re not leaving any room in this marriage for Jenny.” He was right. If Jenny and I had a conversation, I’d use 10,000 words and barely come up for air. What a knucklehead. Counseling helped a lot.

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Decision 2 – We listen to each other’s gut checks.

I wish I could go back in time and tell the 25-year-old version of myself, “When Jenny tells you that business partner seems shady and might not have your best in mind, please listen.” I can’t begin to tell you how often Jenny has said, “There’s something off about that person” and a month later, six months later, years later, she’s been right. We’ve learned over the years to listen to each other’s gut checks, even if, and this is the weird part, there’s no evidence that anything is afoul. It takes time, but in a good marriage you learn to trust the other person’s discernment. It can be awkward to end relationships, business deals, or social situations when your spouse throws the gut check flag, but it’s worth it.

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Decision 3 – We had our kids early.

This decision is getting weirder and weirder everyday as other generations delay having their kids until their late 30s and 40s. I feel like DINKs (Double Income No Kids) get all the attention online but I am here to shout from the rooftops that having your kids early is a blast.

First of all, you’re already poor and might as well add a kid or two to the mix. They can’t tell you don’t have any money. My two daughters had no idea their Christmas presents came from a church consignment sale because we couldn’t afford new toys. Second of all, you’ve got maximum energy to mix it up with them when you’re young. 28-year-old me was king of the playground with my kids. 48-year-old me often wonders, “What was that sound my knee just made?”

Third, you get to be empty nesters together in such a fun way. Our youngest daughter graduates from high school this year. That means at 46 and 48, we’re about to enter into a brand new phase. If you don’t feel ready to have kids yet, welcome to the party, no one is ever ready. There’s no perfect time to have kids and some people do both. I have friends in their 40s with toddlers and they are loving it. I just know what’s popular right now and we did the opposite, which is a little weird, but it was awesome.

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Decision 4 – We don’t hang out with couples who don’t like each other.

It’s always sad when you meet another couple who doesn’t like each other. And boy oh boy, you can pick up on that right away. (See previous statement about gut checks.) That’s why the other day, when we ran into our friends Susan and Charlie on a hiking trail we were on, Jenny and I both said, “They sure do like each other!” It’s not a given unfortunately.

What are signs couples like each other? They pal around. Charlie and Susan were doing what Jenny and I were doing, hiking just because. Couples who like each other laugh a lot, too. They have a thousand private jokes between each other and can tease without it becoming mean. Couples who like each other spend time together because they want to, not because they have to.

What’s funny is that occasionally you’ll go to dinner with a couple a few times because you think your spouse likes them. Internally you’re thinking, “I can’t stand these people, but I’ll do it because my husband likes them.” Then one day, out of the blue, he’ll say, “Do we have to go to dinner with them again? I know you like them, but I don’t.” You’ll immediately say, “I was doing that for you! Wait, do we both not like them? Hooray we don’t have to keep doing that.”?

Why is this a weird decision? Because most couples don’t put enough effort into finding couple friends and tend to settle. They end up hanging out with people who don’t inspire them, encourage them or make them laugh, because, “That’s the best of what’s around.” Nope. Don’t accept that. It might take a little work, but there are awesome couples out there that you can hang out with. ??

Decision 5 – We say, “How” and, “Wow” a lot.

God bless John Woodall, a leader in Atlanta, who taught us that in every marriage there is a “how person” and a “wow person.” That simple framework changed our marriage. He said, “The wow person comes up with a great new idea they’re excited about. When they share it with their how spouse, the how spouse ask questions like, ‘How will that work?’ ‘How will that make money?’ ‘How will you have time to do that?’ The wow person feels attacked in that moment and shuts down. The how person didn’t mean it as an attack, they were just using a personal strength, the ability to ask good questions, and doesn’t understand what happened.

He said the solution is twofold: 1. The wow person makes a disclaimer while sharing the new dream, “I am not about to sell our house, quit my job or radically change our lives, I just have an idea I am excited about that I would like to share with you.” 2. The how person says “wow” for two weeks when there’s a new idea. At the end of the two weeks, if the wow person is still talking about it (they won’t be more than likely) the how person transitions into how. So simple. So powerful. I’m the wow person in our marriage, Jenny is how and this principle saved us from 1,000 arguments. ??????

Those five decisions are a little unusual but keep in mind, what’s usual in our current culture is divorce.

Who wants that?

If normal is divorced, I’m all about weird.

Want to be weird? Read a book together. I wrote new book called “All it Takes is a Goal” that will give you and your spouse an amazing shared vision for what’s possible next. Few things unite a couple like a goal they can work on together. Pick up a copy today.

?Jon

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