5 ways to overcome your negative thoughts.

"You should be disappointed with yourself if you don't walk away with an A" said my GCSE Chemistry teacher as I went off to revise for my science exam.

To be honest, I thought I had it in the bag. 97% in my mock exam had me feeling that there was no way I was going to mess this up.

And for a 16-year-old who believed he wasn't very clever, that was saying something.

However when I opened up the letter containing my GCSE results and discovered that I got a B.

I wasn't just disappointed with myself...I believed I was a disappointment.

Now on the surface, not getting the ideal result you want probably doesn't seem like a big deal. I mean if I was honest with myself, I hated Chemistry and Physics so it was probably to be expected that I would mess up.

But it wasn't the result that was the problem, it was that I had made myself the problem.

If you're a human reading this and not some form of Artificial intelligence.

Then you will have negatively attached your identity to an experience or collection of experiences at some point in your life.

Now a lot of the time these things get referred to as limiting beliefs.?

But I find a more compassionate and helpful way to look at these things is to recognize them as a protective adaptation.

So what do I mean by that?

Well in the case of me cocking up my science GCSE.

I felt like a huge disappointment to those closest to me.

And to be honest, the response I got from the person whose attention I craved the most, pretty much matched how I felt about myself.

But given that I was still dependent on this person to look after me and as humans our main core driver is to seek safety in the communities we find ourselves in.?

I couldn't face further rejection by putting myself in situations where I may risk being a disappointment.

So I adapted to protect myself.

And decided to avoid being a disappointment. I shouldn't put myself in situations where I can fail and mess things up.

On the surface this makes sense, and in the immediate future, it offers me protection.

But longer term, as I continue to live my life by this adaptation.

As I continue to live with this idea that I'm a disappointment.

I close doors on opportunities that otherwise could help me change that narrative and enable me to tap into that potential I have.?

Causing me to feel worse about myself.

Whilst decreasing my resilience and negatively impacting my mental health.

So what can you do to start challenging these protective adaptations and loosen the grip of the past to create a better future for yourself?

STOP trying to get rid of negative thoughts.

Look, I know we would all love to completely eradicate every single doubt and horrible thought we have about ourselves.?

And I'm aware there are people out there who will tell you you can remove all negative beliefs.

But just like there will be people in the world who don't get you or like you.?

You will always have negative thoughts about yourself, particularly when you are experiencing times of stress, that can potentially derail you.?

Therefore the aim shouldn't be to get rid of them.?

The aim should be how can I live with them so they don't get in the way of me doing the things I want to do.

You are not your thoughts.

All of us have this innate human resource called the observing mind that allows us to stop and realise that much like watching something on Netflix or listening to a playlist on Spotify, you are the one observing them.

If you pay attention to your thoughts for a second, you'll see that right now.

Meaning you can start to identify those unhelpful stories you keep telling yourself.

Thoughts are not facts.

Can you recall a thought you used to have about something that you no longer believe??

That's probably because since then you've gathered more information that's disproved the previous thought you used to have.

For many of the thoughts we have about ourselves, we immediately assume them to be factual without ever looking for better evidence?

But maybe there's a time when that thought you have that's holding you back hasn't been true? Or maybe all you need to do is to take action on something you haven't dared to do and by doing so you would discover new evidence that shows that old thought to not be true?

Separate your identity from what's happening.

From an individual perspective. Cultivating an 'I can do this' identity is mighty powerful when it comes to overcoming the challenges you face in life.

The thing is many of us attach who we are to what's happening meaning our identity stops us in our tracks before we even step out the door.

But how about you separate your identity from what's happening?

I've just failed > I'm a failure.

Someone I care about ignored me > I don't matter.

My family member is disappointed that I didn't get the desired result > I'm a disappointment.

You get the picture!

You are not the problem, the problem is the problem.

Ok, this isn't here to abdicate you from taking any responsibility for the things that happen in your life. You are human, and you are going to make mistakes, sometimes some pretty big ones, so it's really important that you hold your hands up when appropriate and admit that you've fucked up.

But if you want to address the mistakes and things that go wrong in your life. Then it's important to focus on the problem at hand and what you can and need to do to overcome it. Rather than sitting there beating yourself up about it.?

In summary, none of this is easy.

It takes perseverance, practice, and patience to get better at this stuff.?

Want to find out how I could help you implement this work so you can overcome the challenges that get in the way of you achieving success?

Then give me a follow and lets get talking :-)