5 WAYS TO OVERCOME THE HURT THAT COMES WITH DIVORCE.

The 2019 movie - Holiday in the Wild further highlighted some of the emotions experienced when a marriage is coming to an end. These different emotions usually highlights what the marriage meant to the individuals that are involved. In the movie, Kate Conrad[Kristin Davis] was devastated when her husband - Drew Conrad told her that he was moving out and that their marriage was over, it was a huge blow for her even though things were not particularly great in their marriage.

People experience different and difficult emotions when an intimate marital relationship breaks down. Emotions ranging from disappointment in themselves because they didn't put enough effort to make it work[the blame game starts here and it is not good for your mental well-being], hurt, break down of trust, shame, guilt, bitterness, sadness; because these emotions are not visible the individual might look okay even when they come to work but deep down they are suffering and require help before things go out of hand.

Some people feel really embarrassed when their marriage fails and it makes them feel that they have failed, these feelings become severe depending on their commitment to the marriage, their kind of person, social circle, family, religious and cultural influence, and more.

My awareness of my emotions was not this developed when I experienced divorce years ago but, it was tough for me to come face-to-face with the relationships in my life and my circle of friends, the church community and more. I avoided them like a plague because apart from the torrents of emotions and personal disappointment in myself for even going into the marriage in the first instance and also my lack of wisdom or strength of character to keep the marriage together, they were far from being supportive but judging and you could read from their body language and facial expression,

Therefore to help you navigate the hurt and pain that result from a broken marriage, whether you are at the verge of it or you have been divorced, here are 5 Mindsets to have in order to move past it

1. DON'T GET IN THE BLAME GAME

There would be a thousand reason to want to blame yourself for the demise of your marriage which is what most people would do, and I am not asking you not to take responsibility for what has happened however, remember it takes the two people involved to make it work or not, however, the challenge with just blaming yourself is that it would make you feel worse with an already difficult situation and you cannot afford the baggage of such emotion. Get past that simplistic and easy way out thinking and get help with gaining better perspective why the marriage didn't work from your own end, become aware of the learning points so that you can do things differently when next you have the opportunity.

2. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO BE HAPPY

Marriage is an important decision we enter into, just like every major decision of our lives however in spite of our effort to succeed, somethings just don't work no matter how hard we try. Therefore, we must admit if it isn't working and not use our psyche, loss of self esteem or self confidence or becoming a shadow of your old self as a statement to make anyone know it wasn't worth continuing.

Marriage does not make anyone happy. If you are not a happy person before going into marriage, it won't make you happy. Happiness is a function of service, what cause are you giving yourself to? After all said and done, it is still your life therefore be happy and live to your fullest potential. Choose to be happy, when you are living a life of purpose and significance you will be happy.

3. CHANGE YOUR CIRCLE OF INFLUENCE & LOCATION.

In the movie - Holiday in the Wild, Kate went on a vacation to Zambia in Africa from her regular New York life. That change helped her to focus less on herself particularly when she saw the Elephant calf whose mother had been killed by poachers. She regained one of the emotions people usually feel they have lost when a marriage ends - she felt wanted again! Her expertise and experience as a Veterinary Doctor was brought to good use. She made new friends and found a fresh meaning and purpose to her life.

It is important to be intentional about the people in your life during a challenging time is also critical to how quickly and well you can get your life back on track. The last thing you need is to be trampled upon in such a state. Give yourself a good treat, change wardrobe if you can and take a vacation, just see life from a new perspective.

4. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP & SUPPORT

The pressure that comes with divorce can be enormous for you to walk it alone. Someone once said to me that loneliness is not the absence of affection but that of direction, however, being alone can have a tremendous impact on your mental health and well-being. Engage the support of a divorce coach who can serve as a clarity, transition and accountability partner providing you with a dispassionate perspective as you navigate this very challenging period in your life.

It would prove to be a wise investment that you would make in your well-being as the dividends would much more than words can capture.

5. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO LIVE & LOVE AGAIN

It might be scary at first to want to date or go into another relationship after a divorce depending on the circumstances surrounding the demise of the first marriage. The fear is understandable, no one would want to put them themselves in such difficult place again, however, if you don't try you would not know what possibility is available to you.

You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. - Andre Gide

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Introducing our post divorce support and coaching group

Introducing our brown new coaching and support group for people who have been divorced but desire accountability, clarity with their transition. This can happen within a community or individually, whatever you chose, your privacy will be protected and respected. This is a virtual community with the option of physical meeting as an added benefit. Sign up for the support group here You can join anonymously if you choose.

If you would like to more information about our divorce coaching services and how we can serve your organisation as Employee Assistance Service Provider reach out to us here