5 ways men avoid emotional talk
Many times in my life, I’ve come away from a conversation with a man or group of men feeling a little bit empty – like we somehow didn’t really connect.
?I recently read a book called Billy No Mates, about why a lot of men either don’t have many friends or, if they do, don’t open up to them.
A lot of it stems from rule number one of traditional masculinity, which I quoted in my last post: “Don’t be a sissy.” That includes not showing weakness by talking about our problems or emotions.
?It’s not only men who do this, but men tend to do it more than women because there’s less stigma about women talking about how they feel.
Here a five strategies men use to avoid emotional talk:
1. Displacement
This means talking about anything other than how you’re feeling. This might be football, politics, or reminiscing about Thundercats and He-Man. This is probably also why men get accused of ‘mansplaining’. We want to tell you about things we know about, because it’s not revealing anything personal.
2. Banter
We all like a laugh. But there is a specific kind of group humour that often emerges when men are together that can serve to police the group’s behaviour. If someone gets too serious or emotional, they risk either being mocked or someone making a joke to subtly move the conversation away from anything ‘heavy’.
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It’s sometimes said that we all have a frontstage, on which we display the aspects of ourselves that we want others to see – like our happiness and success – and a backstage, where we hide things we’re ashamed of. Generally, men have more hidden backstage and often use banter to hide what’s there.
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I remember asking a friend who was struggling with work stress if he would talk to his friends about it when he saw them in the pub. He said no, because he thought that when they met up they wanted to have a laugh – they didn’t want to hear about his problems.?
I found this really sad, and I don’t think it’s at all uncommon. Banter can be the mask that hides everyone’s issues.
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3. Distraction
This is one that guys use when someone is opening up to them emotionally and they don’t know what to do. “She’s broken up with you? Oh no, mate. Shall we go paintballing?”
4. Solutions
It’s cliche male behaviour: solutions instead of empathy. “Your dog died? Oh mate, well just keep busy and don’t think about it too much. Shall we get pissed? How about getting a new dog? Maybe a breed that lives longer?”
5. Binge drinking
Don’t get me wrong, I think alcohol can be one of life’s great pleasures. But getting very drunk can be a way that men cope with not being comfortable just being themselves with each other. I have felt this most acutely on stag dos, which often involve drinking continuously from the moment you meet in the airport Weatherspoons at 6am, over lunch, through the beer bike tour, through dinner, into the small hours in the club… And then again in the next morning, with everyone feeling gradually more rotten.
I’ve usually come away from stag dos feeling like I didn’t really have a proper conversation with anyone for the whole weekend.
Alcohol is, of course, also a crutch for dealing with stress or anxiety. It can be numbing.
It also means that if someone does start to get emotional, or says, “I love you, man”, it’s okay – because we were drunk.
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Conclusion
I’m not saying that we should be having deep and-meaningfuls all the time, because that would be exhausting! But the result of rarely or never opening up emotionally to each other means that we men can end up feeling lonely, which we’re often told is worse for you than smoking. It can mean we feel we have to deal with our problems by ourselves, rather than ask for support. I’ve heard several stories of men taking their own life without anyone realising they were suffering to any significant degree. And it also means we’re not experiencing the pleasure and fulfilment that comes from intimacy, closeness and being our authentic selves with each other.
In my next post I'm going to talk about how?I’ve attempted to overcome this emotional avoidance and?have deeper connections with the people around me, and with myself.
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Would you be interested in a group programme on ‘How to be a man in 2024’? It will cover reconnecting with your emotions, mastering anger and learning to have deeper conversations. Register your interest?here