There's a kind of a popular wisdom still taking centre stage which dictates that negative emotions should be "healthily expressed" because, as they say "repression" is destructive. Of course there is a time to repress and a time to express, taking into account the right WAY to express along with a whole lot of factors. Simply advising people to let it all out because repression is bad, is irresponsible. From this point of view, various types of therapy have evolved which has patients "letting it all out" in some way or another. I have fallen into the same frame of thought on many an occasion. In my gym, for example, there is a very tempting punchbag hanging there just asking to be walloped. Generally speaking, I can't resist the thing and can happily spend an hour battering away on it. What I used to do was to attempt to take out my frustration and somehow expel it into the punchbag so I savagely swung away and... didn't feel particularly better. In ancient times it was called "venting your spleen"(Hippocrates, way back in 400BC) as though anger were a nasty liquid of some type that needs to be expelled or else it may poison you. As common-sensical as it indeed seems, letting it all out with wild abandon is not the best way to deal with accumulated negativity. So let's leave the poor punchbag alone for a while along with all other attempts to "fully express" negativity. There are good ways to handle your own thoughts and feelings so let's take a look at our options.
- Catharsis - It remains an option. One always has to be careful, though, not to make the situation worse. Imagine I were angry with my brother. Should I then visualise his grumpy face as I punch a pillow? As much as I might feel a little better, there is always the risk of reinforcing negativity towards him whereas I probably would be better off negotiating with him and talking to him with calm. Visualising myself assaulting him is hardly conducive to peaceful negotiation. Can catharsis be performed in a beneficial way? I would say that it probably can, but under supervision of a competent psychologist who understands the how, the why and the how much. Catharsis, done right, is still an option.
- Journaling - Not as dramatic as giving cushions a sound thrashing but probably a whole lot more productive. People who have this as a daily discipline will often carve out a moment in their daily routine for this beneficial ritual. In the privacy of your own home, alone and with calm, you allow your thoughts to converge on the page. As your feelings spill out onto the page, you have the opportunity to process them. Exploring these emotions has proven to be effective in many ways but it isn't just an excuse to write any old thing. What you write about also counts. Here's an example of a writing prompt that would be used by an experienced journal writer:
So, as you can imagine, the fruits of this type of writing are going to be different from those obtained by those who write merely to vent. The results of journaling like this are probably better for you than writing "My brother is the world's biggest jerk" in giant red capitals... probably. (My brother is NOT the world's biggest jerk. Not the WORLD's biggest, anyway) You can also use the technique of "savouring" which is a written practice. At the end of each day, you ask yourself what you love most about your day. Choose an experience and write it out in glorious technicolour detail. Make it brimming with joy.
- Manipulation of Attention - OK, forgive the technical term. It refers to the fact that negative emotions tend to take centre stage. As Schopenhauer reminded us; if there is a stone in your shoe, you can only think about the discomfort it brings you. You never think about how much you appreciate how comfortable the rest of your body is. Of course not. You fixate upon the problem until it is resolved and, in the case of the stone in the shoe, we throw the stone away. But there's the issue; fixating on a problem that we are able to solve, seems perfectly reasonable. Fixating upon a problem that I can do nothing about, seems perfectly UNreasonable. So what we do is a "manipulation of attention" or a re-focusing of attention. What are the wonderful things you have in your life that you would hate to lose? What do you have that you could be really happy about if only you place your attention upon it? A wonderful dog perhaps? Some great shoes? All your own teeth? The fact that you can read? Some writer who has elevated your life? This technique asks you not to fool yourself and say "Hey, everything is fine", when it isn't. No. But to honestly find an appreciation of what you have and what is real and present... and good, in your life. One such technique is to write a gratitude letter. There are different ways to do this. One is to write a letter to a person to whom you feel gratitude. Do it. Actually write the letter. Don't send it. It's much better to actually go over to the person and give it to them. Don't do it in front of anyone else. That would ruin it. Read it to them and then hand it to them. Believe me, that emotional trauma you had been dealing with gives way to the totally different cocktail of emotion from this practice. I'll give you one more; the letter to God. If religion isn't your thing, then a letter to the Universe will serve. Keep it secret. Keep it private. You will process your positive emotions. This emphasis on the positive will allow a balance of emotions where before only the negative ruled.
- Mindfulness meditation - I teach meditation so, in a way, I can't not bring this up. I often hear that meditation is "to alleviate stress" and it certainly does have this effect even though the point of meditation is more like its tendency to help us relate better to our emotions. We still feel anger, upset, jealousy, envy, lust, wrath, sorrow and boredom but rather than allowing these emotions to hold the reins and whip us into a frenzy, our minds remain detached and relatively unshaken. It does take some practice, however, but seeing as ten minutes a day sitting on a cushion is a perfectly sufficient way to begin, you have nothing to lose in trying it out. There are reams of evidence that back up the utility of meditation for emotional regulation.
- Acts of Kindness - There was actually a craze for this a few years back. Somebody would do a stranger some kind of favour and attempt to get away before that stranger can repay them. The idea was to "Pay it forward", and it was, let's be honest, nice. It even happened to me. I was sitting in a cafe near my house tapping away on my computer and slurping a coffee. When I called over the waiter to pay, I was informed that the old gentleman who had been sitting by the door had paid for me. The waiter added that this old gentleman had asked him to say "pay it forward" to me "whatever that meant". So I did the exact same thing. I saw a young girl of student age studying intently. She had several coffee cups and the remains of demolished donuts. I asked the waiter if I could get her bill with the same "pay it forward" message and the waiter jumped up and down clapping his hands squealing "Oh it's so beautiful" at the top of his voice. I hushed him by flapping my arms up and down at him and made good my escape before the studious coffee consumer could see me. It cost a fortune, I might add. She'd chomped her way through various donuts and croissants even before I had got there. But who cares? It remains a good memory. I wonder if she paid it forward.
We shouldn't be slaves to our emotions. We need ways or tools that will help us to better live with these chemical storms that our brains experience. It's time that old myths of explosive expressions of catharsis give way to a newer and better understanding of how to live with our emotions. and please... don't punch your pillow.?
Brendan.C.Clarke - Cognifit Video & Mindfulness Coach
