5 Ways to Become a Better Coach and Mentor

Did you know that coaching and mentoring others is a competency of emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence means having strong self-awareness, managing behaviors,?tuning?into others' emotions, and navigating relationships in such a way that they strengthen.?Having a heart to coach and mentor others lands in that last quadrant, relationship management, and is the ability to notice other's potential and developmental needs and empower them to use their abilities to the fullest.

“The greatest good you can do another is not just share your riches, but reveal to him his own.” - Benjamin Franklin

People?who coach and mentor others have a genuine interest in helping the people in their lives...whether it be at home or at work. They've taken the time to get to know the other human beings in their life to best understand their strengths and areas of growth. They are aware of others' hopes, dreams, and goals. They're able to provide support and encouragement, yet are not afraid of giving constructive feedback. They are willing to?share?their time and wisdom, and?show they care about the long-term growth and development of others.

The Struggle is Real

It's common to struggle in this competency, primarily because most of us feel too busy with our own concerns to devote time to others. It takes time to give back to others in this way. Yet, in the long run, learning to coach and mentor others can be one of the best time-savers!

How can you tell when you struggle with the ability to coach and mentor others? Here are some statements, below. Which of the following statements remind you of you?

• I don't like to share my?decision-making process with others.
• I tend to withhold and instructions of how to complete projects for the sake of time.
• I do not like giving feedback, and don't know how to do it without hurting or belittling others.?
• I do not like receiving feedback.
• I'm not a big delegator because it takes too much time and effort.
• I?am not a collaborator...I prefer to work on my own.
• I get annoyed when others ask for my help.

If you relate to any of the above, your coaching and mentoring may need some attention. The good news about emotional intelligence is that it can be developed. But before we get to the how, let's take a look at four fundamental coaching skills:

• Practice Deep Listening
• Ask Smart Questions
• Engage in direct communication?
• Make Requests

Deep?Listening

It is difficult to know how to begin coaching someone if you haven't yet 'heard' them. Deep listening skills are key. When listening, tune in to not only what is being said, but what is not being said. What gaps are you hearing in the conversation? What don't their words add up? Why is their facial expression not matching the words coming of their mouth? What underlying needs are they trying to express? What emotions are they trying to convey?

To become a better listener, try to set aside your own preconceived judgments of the individual. Be open to having your opinion of them changed and carve out some time to truly listen, and be sure not to multitask during the session. Give appropriate gestures such as head nods and use phrases like, "I think I understand". Ask for clarification, and let them know what you think you are hearing, then ask if that is correct. Try to suspend assumptions or focus on how you are going to respond. A great question to delay your own response process is, "What else?" Use the statement, "Tell me more about that."

“Top executives listen more than they talk, and when they listen, they really listen. They know that the only way to have effective dialogue with someone is to listen effectively.” -- D.A. Benton

Smart Questions

Asking smart questions promotes discovery and helps the other person think more expansively. The intent of these questions is to provide clarity for both parties involved. If you're someone who is in the habit of making quick judgments on others, turn those judgements into open-ended questions instead of stating them as if they are truth.

“A person doesn’t learn much if they are just told to do something, or just listened to. They learn more if you ask questions to make them think.” -- John Cleece

Make sure your questions are respectful and neutral (not loaded with accusations or assignment of intent). If needed, write them down first. Here are a few great examples of smart questions, taken from the Institute for Social and Emotional Intelligence's Coaching Toolkit:

• “What action will you take?”
• “What’s the first step you could take?”
• “What do you want to have happen?”?
• “What impact is your present behavior having on your (team, organization, coworkers, direct reports, family)?”
• “What have you already tried?”
• “What have you seen others do that might work here?”
• "What are other choices?
• "What’s the right (or ethical) thing to do here?”
• “If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do?”

Direct Communication

This is a tough one for many, and one which is often viewed as negative. But direct communication can actually be a positive coaching tool! Where people tend to go wrong is that "in the name of being direct", people choose to be disrespectful, rude, or engage in a personal attack. Direct communication is NOT about being brutally honest. Direct communication is the delivery of a truthful message to enable the individual to better meet their goals and be successful.?

In order to engage in direct communication, first?establish a trusting and honest relationship with that person. The feedback should be timely (soon after the incident occurs)?and specific. Hold back your temptation to attach intentions to their actions. Instead of making the individual feel as if they are wrong, invite them to explore how his/her behavior impacted their success--and the success of others. Here is an example of some statements/questions to use:?"Thanks for meeting today. I've noticed your strengths showing up in a positive way [insert example]. I value that. You also have strengths which are being underused.?Here is an example of one which happened recently [insert situation]. What was your take on this? How did your choice impact you? How did it impact your team? What would you repeat next time? What could you do differently next time?"

Requests

Requesting is a way of stretching an individual -- asking them to do something they may not have thought of which will further their growth and development. Extraordinary results often happen when an individual moves past self-imposed limits and tries something new.?You can start like this:?"I'd like to make an ask of you, which may stretch you a bit. Are you open to this?" It is helpful if you cast the vision, and explore with them what benefits of such a proposed action may result. Let them know they can say yes, or no, to your request. If they say no, ask questions to learn about the why behind their hesitation, and possibly land on a time later when you could circle back on the request. If it's a yes, help them lay out an action plan to take first steps, and emphasize (and be clear about) how you will support them.?

Developing as a Coach and Mentor

Ready to get started??Here are?five ways to strengthen your coaching and mentoring skills:

1.?Make a list of the more important relationships?in your life?-- both at home and at work. Map out the value of each relationship and why it is important to you. What value do they add to your life, and what value do you add to theirs??Also add in the names of those who you may not view as 'important' but you interact with them often.

2.?Ask more questions.?If in conversations you find you do most of the talking, it's time to start asking more questions. You could start with one a day. Pick someone and, instead of launching into your tell, have a few questions ready to ask. You could ask about their goals and aspirations. What are they most proud of this week? What do they want to learn? What do they want to do better??Don't forget to listen to their responses! If you struggle with retaining what you hear, try jotting down what they say so you can better remember for next time.

3.?Lead by example by asking for feedback.?As a leader, it's up to you to create a culture of feedback within your organization. Show that you are open to receiving feedback by asking colleagues, team members, customers, and direct reports things like, "What feedback on this project do you have for me? What could I have done differently? What could I have done to help us all be more successful? How can I better support you?", for example. Take notes and make an effort to improve where possible. Make these questions a regular part of your interactions. Build into your daily to-dos the habit of asking.

4.?When giving feedback, keep it positive.?Asking for changed behaviors doesn't have to be a negative interaction. Start by acknowledging the other person's efforts, or recent successes. Share details around what you admire in their work. As you bring up the issues which need addressed, make a point to evaluate their work, not the person. Avoid shaming or casting guilt (indicating the behavior is a result of them being a bad person, for example). Be clear and specific on what worked and what didn't...again, focusing on the behavior, not the person. Follow up with a discussion on how to remedy the situation -- asking the individual for their thoughts first -- then sharing your ideas. Together, come up with a plan to move forward in a new direction, and be clear about the support you will offer to make it happen.?

5.?Celebrate small wins and?offer recognition.??Acknowledging movement toward goals, no matter how small or how big, can be motivational to someone who is looking to grow and change. Notice improvements and accomplishments. Learn how each individual likes to receive recognition and act accordingly. For example, some may like their name announced at the company meeting, where others would prefer to stay anonymous but would enjoy a gift card or a handwritten note, or a personal, sincere, verbal "thank you".

As you make efforts to coach and mentor others, you'll find your own leadership skills are developed in the process. And by raising up new leaders around you,?you'll free yourself up to take on new projects you find challenging and rewarding.

“Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others.” – Jack Welch