5 Types of Grief and What Not to Say

While at a national conference a few years ago I learned that a young colleague had been diagnosed with breast cancer. This situation was one that I knew quite a bit about having accompanied my best friend (in her 50s) and my daughter (early 40s) through it. With the help of other attendees and presenters I found the woman in the lunchroom, introduced myself and began talking with her. I don’t remember what I actually said but I will remember always the blank stare she gave me and what she shared with me later about how she felt cornered in a conversation she wasn’t in a place to have.?

The reality is responding to someone who is experiencing grief and loss can be the most difficult kind of communication. And one of the most common complaints of people experiencing grief and loss is the aloneness they feel in response to the insensitive or irrelevant comments made by people trying to be helpful. There are lots of ways that things can go wrong, even with good intentions.

Our focus on words can lead us in the wrong direction. In brief exchanges, in person or online, “I’m sorry for your loss,” can seem a cliche but it meets the goal of at least doing no harm. If you spend as much time in the drug stores’ greeting card section as I do, you know it’s nearly impossible to find the right card for a particular person and their particular situation. And it’s so easy to obliterate our good intentions.?

What makes talking with someone experiencing loss or grief so difficult? And how do we know what a particular person really needs?

First, we must acknowledge, it’s complicated, and complex. As my young friend taught me, timing and environment can make all the difference. Then, it’s helpful to begin with understanding what “type” of grief the person may be experiencing or trying not to experience. Before risking embarrassment recognize there are five types of grief.?

1.??Anticipatory grief happens when we begin preparing for a loss ahead of time, as a way of lessening its impact. This can begin with a diagnosis, a child’s graduation, or a notice that your employer will be downsizing– a realization that the life you have now will likely soon end.

2.??Delayed grief can happen for a person whose loss occurred when they were young and as they hit points of transition in their life, graduation, marriage, birth of a child–they miss the person who is missing their event.

3.??Absent grief occurs when a person is numb and still in shock, or after a long illness, they are now focused on the relief of having the suffering end, for themselves and their loved one. Or it’s a case of mistaken identity when grief masquerades as anger, difficulty focusing, or excessive worry.

4.??Inhibited grief is usually when someone is attempting to squash or outrun their grief. Staying busy or using substances like drugs and alcohol are some of the most popular methods to accomplish this.

5.??Disenfranchised grief is a loss not recognized by a person’s culture or community. They are the stepmother, the never married live in partner, the illegitimate lover or child, with no right to grieve. Or their reaction to the loss of their best friend is not understood because they grieve the loss of a pet.

While attending a women’s circle with others I’ve known for more than 30 years, I received some clarity on why one person or a series of individual people’s good wishes, thoughts and prayers, or words of wisdom as we grieve are not enough, or even off base. As we met, some of us for the first time in person since the pandemic, we went into circle and spoke into its center. We expressed our longings and losses, our hopes and dreams, our pain and sorrows. In what the women said, I recognized many of the five forms of grief and realized it was the container that was supporting our grief and allowing us to support one another. We would call this container “going into ceremony” to place the details of our lives “on the altar.” We didn’t want, or need, advice at that time. Our grieving benefited from expression within a community container, with agreements and forms that hold, respect, and honor it.

Many types of groups have such agreements like the practice of using a talking stick. When you have the stick, you can talk. When you don’t, you listen. The Twelve Step meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon, that have been held all over the world for 88 years, maintain the agreement of no “cross-talk” or commenting when a person speaks in the meeting. As the speaker shares, they may also share discoveries of strength and hope they’ve made while dealing with diseases of addiction in themselves and family members. Group members support by listening and learning, and often tell a speaker after the meeting what they have gained from their sharing.?

These containers help us avoid mistakes of trying to fix, cheer up or inadvertently disrespect a person’s grief. What is needed is to listen and just be with them in their grief – to companion them on their journey. Grief educator and director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, Alan D Wolfelt reminds us that companioning is about “listening with the heart, not analyzing with the head…being present to another person’s pain; not taking it away, …going to the wilderness of the soul..not thinking you are responsible for finding the way out.”?

We know grief and loss is inevitable. What we don’t know is how others are dealing with it. So, often the best thing to do is sit with them, listen and let them express what’s on their minds.

A favorite art resource for understanding grief companioning is the song “Soul Sister” on the MaMuse album, Prayers for Freedom. The song makes clear the gift we are giving and getting –the reassurance that we are built to grieve. From the lyrics, the song says, “Hold up your hands, or crumble to the floor, whatever it takes for you to thrive. Your body knows, like a river that flows, and it will get you to the other side.” Check it out at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTP9VS23B84

Sheila K. Collins, Ph.D. has helped thousands of people through episodes of grief and loss, using various art forms, including dance, improvisational storytelling, her award-winning book Warrior Mother, and as an organizational grief consultant. She is based in Pittsburgh. Subscribe for her new book, The Art of Grieving at artofgrieving.us.