5 TIPS TO HELP YOU HELP YOUR COLLEGE STUDENT FLOURISH

Dear LinkedIn Connections with Children Heading to College:

It is that time of year when social media is flooded with posts of proud parents thrilled to see their children fly the nest. That joy is often tempered by sadness or anxiety: how will they get along with you? Who will help them navigate the complex new systems in a college setting? Who will advocate for them if they miss an exam, fail a paper or find themselves at a loss when they realize they really don’t like the major they had dreamed about since they were in grade school?

It is in those moments you will be tempted to have your young adults sign a FERPA* form (if they haven’t already) and call their professors, deans, or other university officials. I get it – as the parent of three young adults – I know how much we want to help our students get through the rough times. We raised them! We are invested in their success financially and emotionally. As a professor of relational communication, a former associate dean of undergraduate studies, and now a director of a large academic unit, I share with you my thoughts on what we can do to help students succeed. These are my thoughts, not that of all faculty, and not of my institution.

1. You can be your child’s best advocate by teaching them the skills to advocate for themselves. If they are upset that they missed a paper, failed a test, or even a class, the best thing you can do is support them. Listen to their story. BE THERE. Don’t offer to fix it. You can ask how they addressed the situation, and what options they can pursue. Encourage them to do those things. And, to accept the outcomes.

2. Don’t ask about or pressure them about grades. Keep communication open by asking about the exciting things they are learning. This is a great chance to practice your active listening skills and build your relationship. Ask about the challenges. Ask if they are seeing value in what they are learning, and if not, what they might do to enrich their own education. Use this opportunity to listen to your child's life and hear about their transformations into adulthood. It can be magical!

3. To that end, help them understand that not all students earn As or even Bs in every class. Learning is the goal – not the grade. That is a big shift for many of us (and them!). But, years of experience have taught me that my most successful students after college are often those who brought great and thoughtful insights to class. They pondered the material. They used it outside of class. And, sometimes they didn’t study enough for a test because they were working a part-time (or full-time job), participating in a sport, or balancing a new relationship. They made choices about their priorities – and they accepted the outcomes. They were well-rounded, engaged, and interesting people.

4. Encourage your young adult to step out of their comfort zone and try new things! In high school, there was a big safety net, and in college, it is a bit smaller, but once they are engaged in full-time employment, experimenting with careers, taking risks, and making leaps of faith is harder. Remember: classes are one component of the college experience. Student clubs and organizations, study abroad, and internships are all valuable learning opportunities, as well. As hard as it is to fail sometimes – to realize what they are not good at – it will help your child find their talents and individual voice.

5. Finally, if you ever do feel like you absolutely MUST intervene on their behalf, try to think about you and the university as partners in your child’s success, not adversaries. This is hard: I get it, but do your best to step back. Faculty want students to learn. Universities are increasingly encouraging us to ensure our students have “career readiness.” We can do that with course content, in part, but to be truly workforce ready, your child needs to develop their own social and self-presentation skills. You can help them talk through scenarios, consider alternatives, and generate next steps, as they learn that independence. Calling an employer will certainly tank your child’s career, right? So, rather than jump in to solve life’s boo-boos, use this opportunity to help them grow. In fact, if you still have a few years before your child heads to college, you can start developing their skills now by encouraging them reach out to programs they are interested in, helping them develop a list of questions that matter to both of you, and when you visit colleges and universities, empower them take the lead and chat with the student ambassadors, faculty, and administrators.

Sending your children off to college can be both celebratory and terrifying. You are hoping they don’t return as the same person you sent off on this wonderful new phase of their life. Trust that you have done a great job, and allow them to become the independent, successful adult that you know they can be. You can provide that support without direct intervention, and in the long-run, that will truly help them flourish!

* FERPA The Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act. These tips are only meant to help in mundane cases. If your child is truly struggling, has mental health issues, or is in danger in any way, PLEASE reach out.

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