5 Tips for healthy conflict at home & work

The Art of Conflict: 5 Tips for Fighting Fair

↓ Quick Spin:

Today I'm going to share 5 tips & frameworks for tough convos so we embrace conflict as a chance to grow as colleagues, partners and friends.

• How the brain ?? reacts to conflict
• Using the My Turn ?? Your Turn framework for tough convos
• Home Team Mentality
• Using the 60% rule for timing

Nothing is certain in life except death & taxes……and someone getting on our nerves.

Let's get ready to rumble have a healthy convo.

?? MY TURN:

In 2017 I led brand marketing at The Knot - the leader in weddings - while simultaneously navigating a divorce. Yeah….it was a weird time.

At work I was struggling with our Head of Design - we were fundamentally different. I wanted to move fast, test and iterate. He wanted tons of user research. We would complain to our bosses. He saw me as careless and I saw him as slowing us down.

At home I was navigating conflict with my ex. Realizing all the tools we lacked to navigate even the simplest of disagreements.

One of the best predictors of divorce is not IF a couple fights...but HOW they fight.

Many of us were not given the "healthy conflict software" installation as children........

so it's time to upload a new program.

Tip 1: Stop the flood

When we feel our buttons pushed, our brain is flooded with emotion.

When our brain is flooded we lose the ability to empathize or listen.

Our prefrontal lobes (responsible for logic and reasoning) shut down and our limbic system (responsible for fight of flight) takes over.

Some call this “amygdala hijacking”.

Have you ever been in such an activated state and said things you regretted two days later? Your brain was hijacked.So remember this next time you are triggered at work or home: your brain needs time to deactivate.

Tips:

→ Ask for a timeout → Set a 30 minute timer → Go for a walk to change the energy and space → Focus on your breathing (visualize breathing in green/calm air and blowing out red/angry air) → Visualize your brain shifting from one area to another Ok now that you're back in a logical headspace...proceed to #2.

Tip 2: How you start is how you end

It’s easy to attack, criticize or blame someone for how they hurt or wronged you.

But research shows that only 4% of conversations that begin poorly end well.

Now that you’ve given space to deactivate, it’s important to start a tough conversation gently.

4 things to check when starting a tough convo:

• Tone
• Volume
• Body language
• Words

Tip 3: Use the "My turn ?? Your Turn" Framework

This was the GAME CHANGING TOOL for navigating tough convos at work and at home.

It’s human nature to want to be heard and understood.

Most times in conflict it goes something like this......

And it keeps going………..sound familiar? Do you see what is happening?

Both people want to feel heard and validated so NO ONE is listening or validating.

So how do you fix this?

"My Turn ?? Your Turn"

I learned this strategy from a celebrity couple's therapist. It ensures both people have a chance to be heard and validated so you can get to a resolution faster.

• Whoever raises the concern or hurt feelings gets the floor first. We will call them Taylor.
• MY TURN: Taylor talks without the other person interrupting (we’ll call them John). Taylor shares (in a gentle manner) how they feel and why they feel that way. Taylor restrains from using “you” statements....instead saying “I feel X because of Y.”
• Reiterate: When Taylor is done, John has to reiterate what Taylor just said. He cannot defend or respond……just reiterate. The goal is to ensure he understood everything Taylor said. “What I heard was you feel X because of Y.”
• Clarify: This allows Taylor to clarify and ensure John understands. When Taylor feels heard and validated they say “I feel understood. Your turn.”
• YOUR TURN: John now gets to share his experience (in a gentle manner). Same rules apply.
• Reiterate. When John is done, Taylor has to reiterate what John just said. “What I heard was you did X and felt Y because of Z.”
• Clarify: John now can clarify and end with saying “I feel understood.”

Everyone is deactivated, heard and validated and can proceed to #4.

Tip 4: Home team mentality

After each person has taken the time to feel heard and validated…..it’s now time to answer the question “how can we do this better next time?”

In every personal and professional relationship there are 3 entities:

1. You
2. Me
3. The relationship

In conflict we tend to forget we are all on the same team.

We need a home team mentality.

It's not "me vs. you".....it's "us vs. the problem"

This framing works for colleagues, friends and romantic partners.

Tip 5: The 60% rule

Social scientist, Brené Brown, has a tool she uses in her marriage. She says at any given time a couple needs be at 100%.

When they both get home from work they ask “where are you?” → One might say: “I had a rough day. I’m only at 30%.” → Then the other might say “I’m around 50-60%”

The goal is to not have the relationship sit below 100% for too long. One might carry the other at times and then it switches. But always strive for 100%.

The 60% rule is a benchmark for assessing if the timing is right for a tough convo.

No one is set up for success when we're operating on fumes.

Both parties should be above 60% before starting a "My Turn ?? Your Turn" convo.

?? YOUR TURN:

The next time you feel as if your buttons have been pushed, use it as an opportunity to grow as a colleague, friend and partner.

1. Take a moment to deactivate.
2. Use the My Turn → Your Turn framework
3. Remember home team mentality
4. Time it right. Use the 60% rule.