5 things not to say to a person in grief

Death is one thing we know is inevitable. It is a debt both the poor and the rich owe. Despite knowing it is inevitable, we still find it difficult to deal with when a loved one leaves. The grief that comes with losing a person you truly loved and cared about is unexplainable. No death prepares you or teaches you how best to react to another. Every new death comes with its own pain and heartache. No two experiences are the same; they are all unique. We are all unique individuals and so are our ways of reacting to the death of a loved one.

A lot of us are quick to send condolence messages to people without reading and digesting our words.?Sometimes, we send those messages the way we send them because we believe we have gone through what that person or those people are going through and so we understand their pain; it is not always true. That you have gone through something does not mean you understand exactly how the other person currently in that state feels. I understand you have good intentions but there are some things you should not just say to a person who has just lost a loved one.?

I have gone through grief to an extent and I know what it is like to lose a loved one to death. I lost two family members in the space of 1yr and nothing in the world would have prepared me for those moments. They still remain the most painful and heartbreaking moments for me.?

From my experience, here are a few things you should not say to a person who is grieving;

1. I know how you feel

This comes faster than any other word. We assume we know and understand how the person feels either because we have also lost a loved one or suffered a similar fate. This is wrong and you should not say it. You do not know how the person feels at all. We are all different and unique and so is our connection to people and those we call family or loved ones.?I may be closer to my father than you are to yours. I may share a deeper bond with members of my family than you do with yours. If I share a deeper bond with my family that means the death of a member will be extremely painful than someone who does not share such a bond. I am not saying any death is more important than the other but rather that we do not feel the same way even if we both lose our fathers at the same time.

Avoid telling people you know how they feel because you really do not. You have no idea about how they feel. Some people get pissed at this statement even If they do not show it. It is best you remain quiet rather than say you know how the person feels. Either you remain quiet or say something more meaningful and empathetic. Trust me when I say you know nothing about how they feel.?

2. God knows best

Lol…I hate this statement with every fiber of my being. Of course, God knows best and knows everything but these are definitely not the right words to use for a person who has just lost a dear one. A lot of people do not care about whether God knows best when the loss is fresh and the pain is new. Many blame God and want to have nothing to do or say to God at that point. They want o isolate and be alone and the thought of God knowing everything and still allowing their loved ones to go makes them mad. It takes a while before they finally get back to God and some never get back. However, it is not so for all

3. Stop crying

Why on earth will you tell someone who has just lost a dear one not to cry? You want to help and console them and that is commendable but please do not tell them not to cry. Allow them to cry; encourage them to let out their pain and grief. Crying is a way of letting out how they feel and it helps in healing. Keeping the pain and grief inside will be detrimental to their well-being in the long run. Let them cry all they want but be there to hold and console them.?

4. You need to be strong?

Another statement that is often thrown around carelessly. Times of grief are not moments to be strong for anyone. A lot of us are in the habit of telling people to be strong for this person and that person. This statement does not help much rather it makes the person bottle up his or her own emotion to be there for others. My brother died and a lot of people told me to be strong for my mum and the entire family. I could not cry as much as I wanted before my mum because it would break and make her cry more. Do not tell a person in grief to be strong for anyone. Let them be as weak as they want to be at those times.?

5. There is a reason for everything

Do you lack words so much that this is what comes to your head? We know there is a reason for everything but is this the best time to say such? For me, it is not. How do you think this statement helps? Is it to appreciate the fact that the person is dead or that they died at the time they died or how they died? Try not to say this to anyone grieving especially when the pain is fresh.?

Ever lost a loved one? If yes, which of these has been said to you?