5 things that helped me with grief, in support of #NationalGriefAwarenessWeek

5 things that helped me with grief, in support of #NationalGriefAwarenessWeek

Where to start with grief? Truthfully, there is no easy place to begin – especially when you factor in the very real guarantee that at some point in our lives, we will all experience it at least once. Grief does not discriminate after all.

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But why does it feel like such a tough subject to broach? Much like discussions around our mental health and wellbeing, the more leadership (and I include myself in this bracket) are talking about it, the less taboo it could, or should be.

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I was alerted to this week being #NationalGriefAwarenessWeek by an old friend, Ben Jack Thomas (who has incidentally written a beautiful poem on grief – do make sure you check it out). So now feels like a more than suitable moment in your busy day to share a few thoughts on acknowledging how grief can touch, and shatter, each of us in the blink of the eye, and to build conversations about the active role we can all play in supporting the bereaved to rebuild their lives - when they’re ready.?

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Here's five simple steps that have helped me through recent years, and a little explanation about how they given me comfort when I felt utterly lost. Worth noting at this point, grief is (very) personal. Any one experience can impact someone in incredibly varied ways, and in moments that you’d least expect. Whilst these things have helped me, they are by no means exhaustive.

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1). Allow yourself to feel how you feel.

Without stating the obvious, grief has a way of hitting. And hitting hard. Do your absolute best to be as open and as transparent as you feel you’re able to be with your employer. It’s a classic line, but if they don’t know (or know enough), they can’t help. I’ve always made a concerted point of total transparency with my bosses – largely because having open dialogue means you’re supported and it’s a way of making sure you're talking about it, and in some cases, normalising it for it to be conversational – not hidden.

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Grief can be an incredibly painful experience, and it’ll ebb and flow. It causes deep brain fog, debilitating exhaustion, intense confusion, self-doubt and fear (among many other elements). If you’re open about how you’re feeling, your employer can provide you with support, introductions and/or allow you the time and space for you to do what you need to do.

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By taking the time you need, you’ll be able to process. And if your employer is stuck in the dark ages and gives you just a couple of days off owing to “company policy” and you need more – tell them. Don’t ask. (A note to employers here too, nominal amounts of time don’t cut the mustard. Revisit your bereavement policy please!).

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2). You don’t have to journey alone.

This week in particular, you’ll see many different types of events advertised locally and nationally, that are both in-person and online. I would encourage anyone to give one a go if you are struggling with your grief, or if you need to talk to someone (or you are supporting someone who is grieving).

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There are many UK-based Bereavement Support Groups that provide online training and discussion groups about how to adjust to life following a bereavement. The important thing to note here, is that sharing experiences with others is a hugely beneficial part of what has helped me. Some people may want to talk about their loss, and others may prefer to listen – but being in a space where you’re able to be (or feel) vulnerable, will aid you in more ways than one. While the journey may be yours, you do not need to travel it on your own.

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Through my own explorations (and recommendations), I found the wonderful folk at The Good Grief Trust have a ton of resources that are fantastic, and I would certainly vouch for their commitment to support and very detailed resources. Moreover, they’re a hugely passionate bunch and ensure that everyone receives the correct information and support they need, at a time where life can be incredibly hard to navigate.

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3). Understand the stages of grief.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and certainly no hard or fast way to move forwards with speed. I found that researching grief really helped me to rationalise why I was feeling the emotions I felt, but it also enabled me to establish some of my own boundaries to how debilitating I would allow my grief to take hold of me. (Which sounds ridiculous reading that back, but it’s true for me that having some level of understanding enabled me to put a bit of strategy against it).

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At times, I viewed the stages of grief as a series of ‘visitors’ who would come and sit with me for different lengths of time. Sometimes more than one would come together, and other times they disappeared entirely, only to return unexpectedly (often at the most inappropriate moment - such as a job interview. True story). The moral here, was that I knew that at some point, I would begin to feel differently. Being confident of just that, enabled me to put one foot in front of the other more confidently – and just as important, gave me the headspace to be able to support others around me who were grieving, too.

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I learned a poignant quote recently via Marie Curie UK , which resonated with me in a big way. “People think that grief slowly gets smaller with time. When in reality, grief stays the same size, but slowly, life begins to grow around it.”

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4). Sometimes, time does not heal all wounds.

As of April 2022, prolonged grief (also known as complicated grief), is officially recognised as a mental health condition. Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD) is defined as people who are unable to resume their daily lives one year after loss. While some may start to feel better in a matter of months (or even weeks), others can find the process ongoing - and hugely debilitating.

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Certain types of grief can mean that just learning to exist, can often mean that our lives literally revolve around loss. For example, we may be unable to experience joy, believe life has no meaning anymore, feel relentless sadness (or guilt), and with it we can often be plagued by intrusive thoughts.

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If you’re struggling with grief and loss, please do not try to force it, and move on too quickly. Whilst often impossible to imagine at some stages within the process, with time, we can be able to move past the hyper-intense feelings that stop us flat in our tracks. Our pain can eventually lift and emotional stability be restored. This of course does not mean that we do not miss the person we have lost – but it can mean that we have completed the natural grieving process. We may too have processed our loss in a healthy way.

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5). There will be days (or times of day) when it can be harder.

For example, weekends, Christmas, birthdays, etc, when families are together. Be mindful of these events coming up in your calendar, and consider different ways to approach them. Triggering moments, regardless of your level of anticipation, can and will usually leave you completely drained and full of sadness. If prolonged and untreated, grief triggers can handicap us from the necessary things we do every day - leading to major depression and anxieties.

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Beyond this, and especially take note If you are a private griever, it is essential that you are aware of your own internal dialogue and/or thought process. The way you speak to yourself when you are alone during your grief recovery process can often have a considerable impact on whether grief triggers take control of your perspective of loss. Unfortunately, your thoughts (and the way you talk to yourself) is usually at its lowest points, when you are most vulnerable – so internalise those moments when you’re at your best, too.

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Certain types of grief don’t just hit your your mind either. They can be physical, too. Try taking a short walk, or in the summer when the weather is better, working outside. It’ll fill you with fresh air, release negative energy, and perhaps even give you a bit of a reprieve. Others have told me that Yoga helps to release grief symptoms as well, clearing out and moving negative energy, releasing tension making you feel lighter and perhaps even finding happiness.

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Either way, treat your mental and physical health with the same level of respect, and you’ll feel far more capable.

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The most important of all of this advice, though? Be kind to yourself. Always. ?

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Richard Stanton

Mainline mentor Train driver

11 个月

Well done mate very well written

Kelvin Chiu

Mental Health & AI / Senior Product Designer at HelloSelf

11 个月

I love this Matt. Thanks for sharing.

Archna Luthra

Marketing & Commercial Director at Snoop

11 个月

So many wise words. Well done Matty ??

Beautifully written and equal measure considered. If you allow Matt Jordan . As a man who has experienced the bereavement of my Dad, Brother and both sets of grandparents as a young man I humbly and respectfully acknowledge this: Within your writing and this post it shows us the power of bereavement, and how the experience can lend itself to the growth, care and wellness of ourselves and each other. Nice work Matt Jordan . Wishing you all the best. Millsy.

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