5 Strategies to Develop Empathy for "Difficult" People

It can be draining and frustrating to deal with "difficult" people. They can be poor listeners, over-sensitive, hypocritical, angry, passive aggressive, manipulative, and untrustworthy -- Yikes. Interacting with (or anticipating interacting with) a "difficult" person can trigger extreme emotional discomfort, mental stress, and physical anxiety.

But "difficult" people also present an opportunity to unearth powerful self-realizations and build our capacity to cultivate empathy.

It's easy to claim to be empathetic, compassionate, forgiving, and unconditionally kind when we are dealing with people who are easy to like and love. The hard work sets in when we are asked not only to exhibit grace towards the people who challenge us the most but also contend with the question: "Am I too a difficult person?"

And further -- Aren't most of us just "people sometimes having difficult moments?"

The key to developing more empathy for people we find to be difficult is to admit that we (like them) have the same capacity for imperfection. This starts with shifting our perception of others as one-dimensional everlasting villains to complex, multi-faceted whole beings. Embracing our own humanity as well as theirs liberates us from the trap of constantly "othering" anyone who operates outside of our comfort zone.

We don't have to like everyone. But we can shape how we perceive others in a way that conditions us to feel and respond with more empathy, respect, and kindness. This requires practice ... training the mind to process information with intentionality ... and training the heart to process emotions with intentionality.

1. Play Make Believe.

Humanizing each other means acknowledging that others' behavior is often not at all about us, but rather an externalization of an internal struggle. When we don't have insight into what those struggles are, we have little to hang our empathy on. It can help to "imagine" why difficult people -- or people having a difficult moment -- might be behaving the way they are.

Project an empathetic circumstance onto them and perceive their actions through that lens: Maybe they have a life threatening disease? Perhaps a loved one just passed away? How about "If today was their birthday, how much grace would I extend?" What if they were your child, sibling, or favorite friend simply having a bad day? What if? What if? What if? (Notice the shift in how you receive, perceive and are inclined to respond to the difficult behavior!)

2. Build Positive Confirmation Bias.

Walking into an interaction expecting difficult behavior from someone creates a reinforcement loop wherein our expectation actually contributes to creating the conditions that perpetuate unproductive behaviors and tension. Our own energy fields can become shrunken, defensive, and feel unwelcoming or shut off to others. This can perpetuate a cycle of difficult interactions, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy of negativity.

While it's impossible to erase all our memories of our interactions with someone (akin to striking evidence from the record), we can set the intention to have an open mind and open heart during each interaction, anew. Hope and expect to be pleasantly surprised. Notice and honor each positive interaction to chip away at a negative confirmation bias. Refrain from characterizing others as "always" or "never" behaving a certain way. Start to steer the ship in a new direction - It takes two to tango.

3. Create Healthy Emotional Distance.

When we "over-empathize," we can become emotionally tangled with others' energy, experiences, and dramas. From this space, we are neither caring for ourselves nor acting in service of others' best interest -- because we aren't grounded in our own reality; we have been sucked into others' energy fields and emotional states. This isn't empathy; it's co-dependence.

It's helpful to use repeated affirmations (self-talk) or reflective moments first thing in the morning and before/after interacting with "difficult" people to create clear and safe boundaries. For example: "Today, I protect my personal space and sovereignty" or "I honor so-and-so's path and choose to stand in my own truth and love." Making these affirmations allows us to walk into difficult interactions with more ease, confidence, presence, and ability to hold space for others' emotions without becoming overtaken by them.

Emotional boundaries may also mean speaking our lived truths and advocating for our own self-care and peace of mind when others encroach upon our health, wellness, and right to simply peacefully exist. And certainly, we should seek the necessary supports to avoid people exhibiting abusive, sociopathic, or narcissistic behaviors. It's critical to discern between opportunities for a healthful self-challenge for practicing empathy and situations that are dangerous for our wellbeing. (Systems of oppression admittedly make this easier for some than others.)

4. Look in the Mirror.

I'm wholeheartedly against "over-internalizing" others' behavior to the point of gaslighting ourselves that everything is always our own fault. However, it can be enlightening and enriching to simply pause when we find ourselves emotionally activated by seemingly difficult behavior from others. We may uncover some uncomfortable hidden biases lurking beneath the surface that have more to do with ourselves (and our social conditioning) than anything else.

We can also become (overly) reactive when we notice a behavior in others that triggers an emotional or a trauma response within ourselves (for example from a childhood relationship dynamic). It can be helpful to understand this dynamic in order to separate what's ours to own and work on (through therapy, etc.) and behavior to which we hold others accountable.

Looking in the mirror can mean understanding that behavior in others (as frustrating it can be in its own right) may also represent a tendency in self that we are ashamed of or struggling with: Am I activated by people who are poor listeners? ("What kind of listener am I?") Am I activated by people who seem to be untrustworthy? ("How trustworthy am I?") Am I activated people who are overly sensitive? ("How sensitive am I?") The purpose here is not harsh self-condemnation, but liberation in identifying, forgiving, and healing patterns within self that free us from projecting our own inner battles onto others.

5. Own Your Mythic Journey.

As the protagonists of our own mythic journeys, we can treat each moment as golden opportunities to write beautiful, compelling chapters that demonstrate our free will to hold space for others, set boundaries, and embody empathy. We do this through intentional choice and action instead of unconsciously succumbing to old patterns, blame, or shame.

When we choose to look at our lives as the authors, not the characters, our perception of reality shifts. What are the bigger picture patterns unfolding in our lives, in the world?

• "What archetype does this difficult person hold -- and what is the lesson in it for me to have been presented with this interaction?"
• "In the overarching story of my life, what is the purpose of the presence of this person at this exact moment and what will I choose? Who do I want to be?"
• "What greater themes being expressed in the world today are being held in the microcosm of my relationship/interaction with this person -- and how will I create just one small moment of promise for humanity?"