5 Steps to Take Control of Your Unique Identity

Introduction

Our Identity is like an intricately woven tapestry, comprised of threads of our experiences, roles, and desires. Each thread contributes to the overall pattern, with no one thread creating a clear image. Recognizing and embracing the complexity of this tapestry is a journey into a more authentic and fulfilling life.

I hope this guide will help you unravel the various threads of your identity so you can re-knit them into a more resilient tapestry, with a clear pattern.

You can read this post in less than 4 minutes. Or, you can be one of the crazy ones, actually do the work below and maybe, just maybe, make that 1% course correction that leads to long-term improvement in your well-being and fulfillment.

Whichever craziness you choose, I hope you enjoy and find value.

1. Recognize We All Have Many Identities

Diverse Roles: Understand an name the different roles you play – professional, parent, friend, artist. Each role contributes to your overall identity.

• Action Step: Spend 1 minute brainstorming your identities and writing them down. If you came up with more than 5, circle your top 5.

The Diverse, Evolving Self: Your identity is a dynamic narrative that grows and changes with every new experience and insight. Recognize that the diversity of your roles is a great source of resilience and strength.

• Actions Step: List, in no particular order, the strengths you possess in each of the different areas. Think high-level.

For example, a stay-at-home parent might think “I cook, clean, take care of the kids, shop…” and the millions other tasks they do in a day. But, think higher: “I can keep track of and accomplish multiple tasks while performing one of the most important and stressful jobs on the planet (taking care of children).

Spend only 3 minutes, but leave room to add more later.

• Action Step: Spend as little or much time as you want, considering how you already do or might adapt each listed strength to utilize it in all of the top 5 roles of your life. Capture any new discoveries.

2. Reflect on Your Core Values

Identify Key Values: Determine what core values resonate most with you, such as honesty, compassion, innovation or courage. If you get stuck, consider experiences that have been particularly meaningful and what values they represent. Family?, Freedom?, health?, Accomplishment?

• Action Step: Write those core values and date the sheet for later reflection and reference. This step is for your later amazement and enjoyment as much as for clarity today. Spend 1-3 minutes. Don’t stress - you will only have time to capture a small fraction of your values in 3 minutes, but it's a start. You can leave space to add more as they come to you.

Consistency Across Identities: How does each value align with each of your identities? Do you see any conflicts? Synergies?

You might value something in one role and avoid it in another. Many apparent conflicts highlight values you maybe hadn’t considered, such as “leaving work at the office.”

Fundamental moral conflicts, such as valuing honesty in one role and deceit in another, will lead to unhappiness in one role or both.

3. Re-write Your Personal Narrative

Your personal narrative is the story you tell yourself about who you are. We all have one, but few fully articulate it. Now is your chance.

For over 20 years, I told myself, “I don’t have a good memory.” It was true until I chose to believe in my abilities. New habits were automatic. The improvement of my memory was immediate and life-changing. I have some habits I struggle to change, but now see a path to restore completely my memory.

Rewrite the Lies: You lie to yourself. This is not judgement; We all do it.

• Action Step: Write your beliefs about who you are. Spend 1-2 minutes, but leave room for later expansion.
• Action Step: Try to spot which might be lies; focus on the self-deprecating beliefs.
• I am a procrastinator
• I am too old/young/fat/thin/slow/fast/tall/short….
• I always/never …
• I am a slob.
• I do/don’t deserve ...

You will live into whatever you tell yourself and believe, good or bad. However, they are all stories you can change if you want to.

• Action Step: for each statement you don’t like about yourself, even if it feels true. Rewrite it in a way that feels less negative to you. If you can do it with honesty, rewrite into something purely positive.

This is not about new, more positive lies. There is always a way to reframe a negative self-assessment into something less negative, then less and less… until eventually you find a positive truth.

4. Write Your Personal Mission Statement

Defining Life's Purpose: Create a mission statements for each area of your life. Potential areas include family and personal, finance and work, spiritual, or contribution. These should encapsulate your goals, aspirations, and the impact you wish to make.

• Action Step: Write them down. 1 minute per statement. Or, if you are experienced at it, make a single statement to encapsulate them all.

Dynamic Reassessment: Regularly review and adjust your narrative and mission statements to stay aligned with your evolving identity. Life's changes may bring new insights requiring updates to your narrative.

• Action Step: Set a reminder on your phone to review your statement in 3 months. Continue re-affirming and adjusting every 3 months until you believe you have it right. Then review at least once per year.
• Tip: store your mission statement on your phone, so when your alarm goes off, its right there.
• Master Tip: Next week's issue will step you through crafting your mission statement. For now, get a head start by playing with it in free-form.

5. Resiliency and Grace

Be kind to yourself (Grace): Feeling uncertain or apprehensive about taking the action steps above? There are no right or wrong answers. Either you try, and improve with time. Or you let experiences define your identity. Do not let perfectionism stop progress. Instead, embrace imperfection as the path of progress.

In everything you do, give yourself grace. You are not inadequate, but recognize if your experience, skill or knowledge is. Decide what you will do to improve.

Build your Resiliency Plan

• Action Step: Brainstorm possible setbacks in your effort to define your identity.
• When things get hard, will you give up or push on?
• When you're not sure the next step, will you seek clarity, continue uncertain, or return to the comfort of not trying?
• Who or what ongoing circumstances might hinder your progress? How will you deal with him, her or it?Spend only 5 minutes thinking of the obstacles and how you will handle each.

Your mission in life will change, always driven by your changing desires or needs. Part of resiliancy is knowing when to modify or even rewrite your mission statement.

• Action Step: Write why your mission matters and keep it with your statement, so every time you review it you are reminded why it is important to you.
• As you notice your reasons drift or change, update your mission statement. Your goals might look the same, but the words you use to express them might not align anymore.

February is Identity month for this newsletter. Understand more about being honest with yourself, creating you mission statement and fully incorporating it into your life.

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