5 Standards for Giving and Getting Feedback

"Feedback is a gift."

I don't know where I first heard that but I've heard it dozens of times since. It's a phrase that concisely and poetically frames an important part of interpersonal relations, one that I've learned is challenging for many people, including myself.

The phrase came up over and over again through our work at The Junto Institute. First-time founders and leaders would ask seasoned executives about giving and getting feedback. Some of those executives then uttered the phrase, followed by a shared experience of using a specific feedback model, building feedback into their company's culture, and/or balancing giving feedback with getting it.

In other words, they shared an experience of feedback standards they set for themselves, their teams, or their organizations. And my hope is that, as influential as those experiences have been for me, they may inspire you to set standards for yourself and your organization.

CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK

I believe the most critical step for setting feedback standards in the workplace is embracing its bilateral nature: giving it is as important as getting it. What this means is building a culture in which people are comfortable asking for feedback, knowing that it will be helpful and constructive. It also means a culture in which people are comfortable giving feedback proactively or upon request, knowing that the intention is to be helpful and constructive.

One point to emphasize here: we've all heard the phrase, constructive feedback, and many of us have likely felt that it's simply a polite way of saying negative feedback. The reality is that they're two very different things.

The root of constructive is construct, or "build." So the purpose of constructive feedback is information that someone can build from and grow from. It's like bricks in a wall: each time we give someone constructive feedback, it's like giving them one more brick to build with. Negative feedback, on the other hand, is often judgmental, critical, and not actionable. It's hard to grow from negative feedback.

FEEDBACK AND EMPATHY

During my years studying, practicing, and teaching emotional intelligence, I discovered that feedback integrates competencies at each level: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management.

At the social awareness level, I believe empathy is the most vital element when it comes to feedback. It drives the entire process of thinking through and delivering feedback to others, and it's also important to the experience of receiving feedback. Because empathy must be taken into account, I've come to believe that it's emotionally unintelligent for an organization (or a team or a household) to follow a single model of giving and getting feedback.

After all, feedback isn't transactional, something that checks a box in the mind of the giver. Feedback is relational, requiring us to think about the other person's background, personality, potential response, etc. By thinking about the other person and the circumstances in which we give feedback, it affects what we say, along with how, when, and why.

Therefore, any model that is used must account for sensing the other person's feelings and perspectives. If we are giving feedback to someone else - especially if it's constructive - we want them to do something with it. But if the feedback doesn't take into account their humanity, that likelihood drops significantly or is gone.

Furthermore, having a bilateral approach to feedback means that people are encouraged to both ask for it, and encouraged to give it. My experience is that different people struggle with either sharing or asking for feedback, and part of the reason is because how they like to give feedback may not be consistent with how they like to get it. Combined with the idea that feedback is relational, this is why I believe organizations should have more than one option for their people.

Doing so puts the focus on setting standards for feedback rather than setting a rule for how to give or get it.

FIVE FEEDBACK MODELS

As mentioned earlier, we've had many shared experiences of how seasoned leaders have set feedback standards in their organization. Out of all the models and frameworks I've heard and seen, five have stood out as the simplest and/or most well-received by our community. Here they are.

1. FEEDBACK AS INPUT

This model re-frames feedback as "input," and is more of a two-way conversation. Here are the main steps for using this model primarily to give feedback.

• Tell the other person you need their input on something.
• Explain what you understand took place, ask for their recollection and see if there is agreement. If not, try to find some common ground, even if you agree to disagree on the issue.
• Ask what they think the consequences were, or could have been.
• If negative, ask how they can be prevented. If positive, ask how they can further improve.
• Schedule a follow-up, with any deadlines, and share your confidence in them.

2. START - STOP - CONTINUE

This simple model is focused on constructive behaviors, and can be used to both give and get feedback. For the latter, here is one way it can be used.

• What would you like to see me start doing?
• What would you like to see me stop doing?
• What would you like to see me continue doing?

An addition to this model is using "more" and "less" at the end of the sentence: "What would you like to see me doing more/less of?

3. WHAT FEEDBACK DO YOU HAVE FOR ME?

This simple question is more effective than, "Do you have any feedback?" which is closed-ended and can be easily answered with "No" if someone is uncomfortable sharing negative/constructive feedback.

"What feedback do you have for me?" is better because it's open-ended and specifies that you are asking for feedback for you, not just about you. It's also more likely to stimulate thought than the other question, causing someone to reflect on their experiences with you, and make the exchange more conversational.

4. HOW AM I PERCEIVED?

This is one of my favorites for getting feedback.

"How am I perceived?" helps overcome two reasons many people struggle with sharing candid thoughts when you ask them, especially if the feedback is negative or constructive:

1. They don't know how to present it in a non-offensive, helpful, cogent, empathic, and/or direct way.
2. They may be anxious or afraid about your reaction, making you uncomfortable, or putting you on the defensive.

This question - "How am I perceived?" - addresses both of these reasons because the feedback giver has permission to "de-personalize" their thoughts. It effectively allows them to anonymize their feedback by positioning it as what other people say about you or, worst case, combine their candid thoughts with what they've heard from others.

5. APPRECIATIVE - CONSTRUCTIVE

This model is very different from what many call the "sh*t sandwich," where we pay someone a compliment, give them negative feedback (vs. constructive), then close with something positive.

The purpose of this model is to use your experience with the other person in the past to help them in the future. There are simply two steps:

1. Share appreciative feedback by saying, "Here's where I feel you demonstrated..." or "I appreciate that you did/said..." or "Here's where you're doing well..."
2. Share constructive feedback by saying, "Here's where I believe you could demonstrate even more..." or "The next time you do ___, you could...." or "Here's a thought the next time you..."

The beauty of the Appreciative - Constructive model, in my opinion, is that it leverages your experience with the other person, gets specific, and uses the past to help inform a possible future.

A CULTURE OF FEEDBACK

Beyond these and other models, perhaps my biggest takeaway from hearing people's shared experiences with feedback is that they made it a part of their culture...that's how it became a standard.

Some company leaders created time and space for feedback at the end of meetings. Some adopted specific language for people to use when hearing feedback. Some emphasized that feedback is never right or wrong because it's based on people's beliefs. And, perhaps most importantly, some role-modeled giving and getting feedback by doing it themselves on a daily basis.

Feedback helps build trust and psychological safety in relationships...when it's done well. And the more proven examples we have of how others do it well, the easier it is for us to set standards for our own organizations to build greater trust and psychological safety in the relationships we have at work.

What do you think?

Did any of these models speak to you?
What others have you used or heard of?

Please share your thoughts and experiences below!