5 Stages of Transformation From Self-Rejection To Self-Love

Part of Kathy Caprino's series "The Most Powerful You"

In my work as a career and leadership coach, and as a former therapist, I've worked with women of all ages, sizes and styles, and one theme has become very apparent: women are incredibly tough on themselves, full of self-rejection, shame, humiliation and doubt, particularly about their looks, weight, intelligence and their overall worthiness and value.

I can count on one hand the number of women I’ve spoken with recently who feel “just great” about themselves. The strong majority of women I interact with and hear from are indeed brilliant, accomplished, talented, creative and full of love and life — in short, amazing — but feel somehow that they are not good or worthy enough. Many of these women are what I refer to as “perfectionistic overfunctioners” — doing more than is healthy, appropriate and necessary for everyone around them and striving to get an “A+” in all of it, flattening themselves in the process. I know a lot about this type of person — I’m a recovering one.

Since getting an A+ in everything is not possible in all activities or areas, and constantly striving to achieve that level of success is damaging, women then fall short of their unrealistic expectations and feel even worse, seeing their “failure” as validation that they have to work harder and be better, in order to be loved, respected and valued.

I’m not judging here. I feel deep love and compassion in my heart for these women (and men), in part because I can empathize fully. I’ve done a lot of internal work around this and continue to, and I’m happy to say that I now know how liberating it is to free ourselves from needing to be perfect in all we do, and how fabulous it feels to jump off the never-ending hamster wheel of constantly trying to live up to an impossible, crushing standard.

I’ve seen first-hand that once you close your power gaps, build stronger boundaries and start speaking up and honoring what you want and who you are, you begin to operate very differently in the world and become happier and more accepting of yourself and everyone around you. You begin to embrace your “imperfect, just-right” functioning rather than striving for an impossible goal of perfection. But I’m not always there — I sometimes fall down and forget to love and accept myself.

I experienced a real wake-up call on this several years ago, when I spent a day at a photoshoot in Connecticut for my then new website. The day’s experiences took me from self-rejecting, shameful and worried (once again) about my looks, my weight, my "worthiness," etc., to actually loving it all — embracing myself, my foibles and flaws, my talents and who I am at my core. I saw how the right kind of experience (with the right kind of people who align closely with your values, your heart and can really "see" you), are able to help you move from self-rejection to self-acceptance in a few short hours. Or sometimes even in a moment.

After thinking about this experience in greater depth,

I realized that there are five key stages of transformation from self-rejection to self-love, and if we gain awareness of these stages, and have the courage to embrace and move through them whenever we can, we can accelerate our own growth toward full self-acceptance.

The five stages of transformation from self-hate to self-acceptance are:

Stage 1: “I don’t rate — I’m just not good enough and never will be.”

I started the day of my photoshoot afraid — afraid to share my wardrobe choices, reluctant to express what I really liked in terms of style, color, makeup, hair, jewelry and inhibited in my movements and physical presence. I compared myself in my mind to the thousands of other women my wonderful photographer Jacklyn Greenberg had photographed before — young and older women and men I thought were beautiful and charismatic (so it seemed to me). Along with headshots, weddings and national events, Jacklyn does “risqué” photography as well, all of it stunning. Some clients are naked or are only partially dressed and from Jacklyn’s website, all of them seemed gorgeous, vibrant and unabashedly free.

I thought, Oh, no — this is going to be a very long day.

Stage 2: “Wait, maybe I’m not so bad.”

As the first hour progressed, with the help of Jacklyn and her supporting team, things changed and I changed. I moved from fearing everything about me was wrong and inferior to remembering that what I am — inside and out — is not terrible. Far from it. I started to see how my fears about my looks, weight, age, clothes, wrinkles, skin, tummy, etc. are universal for women, and the only thing keeping me stuck in my intractable insecurity was me and my mindset.

Stage 3: “Hmmm... I guess I do have some unique, valuable qualities.”

Then, midway through, something interesting happened. I saw myself through their eyes that and I started to let out who I really am at my freest, and who they helped me tap into. I felt safe to share more of my authentic nature and personality, what I care about, my quirks, how I’m different. And when I did, the shoot went much better, and the day became raucously fun.

I started smiling from my eyes.

I forgot I was being photographed. We talked, shared, probed, guffawed and as I connected more deeply with Jacklyn and her partner Chris, I saw how my qualities could be seen as unique and valuable — to the experience at hand, but also in relationship with these great new folks I was partnering with, and even in helping spread the word about their work and the stunning property, Winvian, we were lucky enough to be shooting on.

Stage 4: “It’s ridiculous and exhausting (and an utter waste of a precious life) to hide — I’m going let it all out.”

Towards the end of the day, the idea of hiding was long gone. I wasn’t afraid, shy or reluctant. I was excited, energized and inspired to be even more of myself. I saw clearly how stepping up and powering up to share myself in the most authentic, vulnerable way possible was the ONLY way this whole thing would work (in a photoshoot and in life).

Stage 5: “Ok, I can honestly say — I love and accept myself.”

Finally, at the end of the day as I was driving home, tired but exhilarated, I felt a flush of self-acceptance (dare I say self-love). I had done something that was scary and challenging for me. I had stepped up to a very high vision for where I want to go — in my life, in my career, in my professional pursuits. I held out high hopes for what I wanted for and the outcomes I’d dreamed of, and I pushed myself to be real and courageous enough to make this happen. Not just because I went to a cool photoshoot, but because I believed in myself and the idea that I’m worthy of putting myself out there in the world in a bigger way.

As the sun was setting, I was able to utter to myself exactly what my psychotherapist years ago recommended that I use as an affirmation every day. He suggested I look in the mirror every morning and say out loud:

“I thoroughly love and accept myself.”

In the past, I coughed up a hairball every time I said that. Now, with each day, it’s much easier.

In the years since, I've pushed myself far out of my comfort zones, including writing my second book, The Most Powerful You, speaking on big stages, sharing material and commentary on my Forbes.com and personal blog that is controversial and challenging to say but needed to be said (and I got a lot of hateful feedback on it), to recently, doing an all-day video shoot in New York City at an amazing studio, BC Studio, where many top celebrities have filmed. I've done things that the old me would have run from and said "Forget it! You're not good enough for this." But I continue to commit to moving away from self-rejection.

To move through these five stages of transformation, start with these steps:

#1: Begin to recognize just how amazing you are.

Take the time this week to understand more deeply who you are, what you have to offer, and what you've already done in life and work that is helpful, important and valuable. (For help in dimensionalizing that info, feel free to download my free Career Path Self-Assessment to get in touch with the important accomplishments and achievements you've made that have made a difference in the world). And watch my TEDx talk "Time to Brave Up" to learn how to identify and articulate who you really are and the "20 amazing facts of you" that you can start sharing more widely with pride and enthusiasm.

#2. Identify your biggest fears in the way of sharing more of your authentic, amazing self in the world.

Some women might read this and think, "I just don't love myself so how can I fake it?" in part because women are culturally trained to think that if we love ourselves, we’ll be seen as self-involved, selfish and arrogant. And also because many of us have experienced childhoods that trained us that we're not good enough unless we behave in ways that are not in alignment with who we really are.

If this is you, take the time (and get outside help if you need it) to understand the beliefs, mindsets and fears that keep you from sharing the real you in the world, and loving that true version of yourself. Understand exactly where you got those beliefs and mindsets that you're not good enough as you are.

Most likely, it's going to involve deconstructing messages you received in childhood that told you you weren't living up to the crazy, unrealistic expectations your parents or society had. And growing up with any form of emotional manipulation or narcissism further damages our self-esteem and self-worth in ways that most people don't understand.

#3. Stop holding back and start going for the things you really want. Keep moving through the rejection.

In a powerful Forbes interview I conducted some time ago with the inspiring bestselling author Harriet Lerner on What Selling 3 Million Copies of 'The Dance of Anger' has Taught Renowned Psychologist Harriet Lerner, she shared this about rejection:

"In truth, there's only one way to escape the pain of rejection: sit mute in a corner and take no risks. If we live courageously, we will experience many rejections that will make us want to fold up in a corner and never put ourselves "out there" again. 

Don’t let yourself stay in that dark corner for too long.

Get out and accumulate more rejections. You can take some time out, but don't ever let rejection stop you."

I've learned that self-love, and dealing with rejection in a powerful, self-affirming way, is vitally important and needed in our lives today.

You simply can’t build a wonderful, rewarding and happy life and career — and you can’t be of service to others as you long to — if you don’t learn how to move through rejection (from yourself and others), and find new ways to love and accept yourself more fully — flaws, gaps, foibles and all.

Are you ready to find brave and walk through the five stages of self-hate to self-love this month? 

For hands-on coaching support to embrace and honor yourself more fully, and get moving toward building a more rewarding career, join me in my Close Your Power Gaps program, check out my book The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss and tune into my weekly Finding Brave podcast.