The 5 Soul Wound 4.The wound of Betrayal

“The Masochist finds satisfaction and even pleasure in suffering. Therefore, they subconsciously seek pain and humiliation." Lise Bourbeau

After having devoted a first article to the wound of?REJECTION, a second to that of?ABANDONMENT, a third to?HUMILIATION, I suggest that you continue today this series on childhood traumas that prevent adults from being fully happy, despite many efforts.

Topic of the day: the wound of BETRAYAL.

Thanks to a very detailed description of this "wound of the soul" which occurs in early childhood, between 2 and 4 years old, to repeat itself, unconsciously, throughout life, Lise Bourbeau invites us to become aware of its reality, of its concrete consequences on the level of the Unconscious, to accept it and, why not, to work to cure it in order to achieve fulfilment, by authorising oneself to be oneself. I propose to highlight some of the signs and symptoms of what we could qualify as "pathological".

As soon as a person suffering from an act of betrayal encounters a circumstance, a discussion, likely to remind him of this violent feeling, he will tend to resort to wearing a societal mask well known to psychiatrists: the abusive Controller.

BETRAYAL = CONTROL

If Lise Bourbeau's book has allowed the general public to open up to this question, the true pioneer of research on the wound of betrayal and its psychological consequences is the Austrian psychiatrist, pupil of Sigmund Freud, Wilhelm Reich.

Through my job as a Trance healer, I have been led to study the mechanism of emotions and untreated childhood wounds. I have noticed that the simple fact of becoming aware of the mechanisms at work helps people to better understand their patterns of suffering and those of those around them and, why not, to overcome them.

Awakening of the wound

The betrayal wound is a trauma that awakens in children between the ages of 2 and 4 years old. According to Lise Bourbeau, the "responsible" is generally the parent of the opposite sex. A parent who has, at one time or another, perhaps without even realising it, devalued or mistreated their child. The latter felt that this parent, with whom he had a close relationship, suddenly broke their bond. In order to protect themselves, to create an armour in the event of a recurrence, the little boy or girl then develops, unconsciously, a defence mechanism. He will now wear the Controller's mask. These people, in adulthood, often had, or still have, a strong Oedipus complex.

The resulting attitude is not pleasant either for the person who suffers or for those around him.

| Whatever the circumstance that leads the child to feel that his parent has failed, when the wound is revealed, it permanently modifies the emotional apparatus of the child |

Recognising the Controller

On a physical level

Over the years, growing up, the “controller” will develop a body that will inspire a feeling of strength and solidity. Men who suffer from this soul wound will have particularly broad shoulders and a rather bulging chest. For women, we will observe hips wider than the shoulders.

On a psychic level

• The Controller’s mood is changeable. Sometimes whimsical, sometimes empathetic and full of love, his attitude can "twist" from one second to the next. He can get angry over little things. Any situation, no matter how trivial, becomes an evacuator of unconscious suffering, to the detriment of his own health and the well-being of the people around him.
• Controllers are very demanding people of themselves and others. For them, it is unimaginable not to complete their projects; in case it happens, the person in need of control will interpret it as a lack of courage, tenacity. A judgement that he also makes about those around him. The intolerance of the controllers makes collaboration with others difficult.
• Controllers have a strong or even very strong personality that makes it a point of honour to have the last word and whose ego takes up far too much space.
• Being the first, the best in everything, is the number 1 goal, whatever the field. To achieve this, anything goes. Those most intimately affected by a betrayal may go so far as to allow themselves to lie, to manipulate, to be hypocritical in order to maintain an illusion of power and crush any possible rival. The extent of this phenomenon is directly related to the depth of the wound.
• Controllers don't like to talk about their own business, but love to meddle in other people's business. They have difficulty trusting and often react more negatively with the opposite sex.
• Restless, the Controller likes to show what he has done. He needs to feel valued, otherwise he will feel great inner distress.
• A controlling person would like everyone to endorse their view of things. A cold, hard tone can sharpen his words in such a way as to impose, by the tone, his points of view, his demands. Around him, sensitive people will find it very difficult to maintain a good relationship. Especially since the controller does not realise the harm that his attitude and his mood swings can cause. As a rule, he is not very tolerant. This person shuns assertive people, because their outspokenness, their capacity for independent action makes them out of control. He will be able to cut off shamelessly, but will retaliate with force if he is the victim. The need for domination goes beyond the controlling one. Since these people are quick and incisive in their actions, their tolerance for the slowest infuriates them. It is not uncommon for them to get angry when their expectations are not met, even if this attitude crushes those around them.
• The controlling person does not confide much and hates showing his weaknesses, because he is afraid that others will take advantage of them. Not easily forgiving, he is also very resentful; he can disown someone for a small innocuous fault.
• The controller tries, in all circumstances, to respect its commitments. He tries to be faithful in everything. Very demanding with himself, he likes to show it to others. The idea of a couple separating, for example, is for him a terror, because in his mind it would necessarily be synonymous with defeat. Being left is experienced as an affront.
• The controller is very punctual and picky. He will tend to put pressure on himself, by wanting, for example, to constantly submit his work on time and preferably in advance.
• His need for control over others is, in his mind, a form of guarantee against possible betrayal. Dominating, making others dependent is a way to ensure a certain loyalty.
• The controller also seeks to control, to plan his future. So he is never in the present moment. And if things don't go the way he planned, he freaks out. He struggles with laziness and only rests once he feels his work has been done perfectly.

The Controller's Greatest Fear

His biggest fear is separation. He is both afraid of being betrayed and of being seen as a traitor. Controllers tend to attract unstable, non-committal relationships. They regard any promise as very serious, immutable. A disengagement is unthinkable for him. He therefore prefers not to commit, rather than having to break an oath one day. If he ends up getting involved, in a marriage for example, he will choose a “controllable” partner, who he is “certain” will not leave.

The fear of reliving the betrayal of childhood dominates the controller. The need for absolute control remains until he becomes aware of it and works to improve himself. The risk being to permanently scare away those around him, who can no longer bear to suffer his mood swings and let's be clear about his "bad temper".

How to heal this need for compulsive control?

• Admit the problem
• Observing yourself acting and reacting to reduce anger and tension.
• Stop wanting to be right over and over again; everyone can have good ideas and opinions.
• Do things for pleasure and not to be put on a pedestal, dominate or attract attention.
• Stop sulking, blackmailing, blaming others and take responsibility for your life and happiness.
• Become aware that this omnipresent ego is a bad judge.

How do you apprehend a loved one who is suffering from betrayal?

• Look at it from a new angle. See him as this little child who suffers, who does not control what he feels. It's all a matter of perception. This should be a first step on the way to dissipating the hold he has on you.
• Don't submit to him anymore. Keep in mind that you are as valuable as her, even if your visions of things are contradictory. It is not because the controlling person speaks loudly and imposes his point of view by devaluing yours that he is necessarily right.
• Avoid any judgement or surge of anger by perceiving these characteristics. It is important not to fall into the trap of frontal accusation. The person does not realize the psychic mechanism at work.

Living alongside a controller is not easy. Quite the contrary. It can be real hell. The good news is that this attitude is not set in stone. Nothing is impossible with a valiant heart, so take the bull by the horns, speak kindly with your controller, confront him/her with his/her own contradictions, until he/she understands. If you really find that despite your efforts, he (she) does not move one iota, simply move away, temporarily or permanently, from him (her).

In this short video below, a trance healing session to help you with your wound of betrayal. Of course this is just a way to help you start this specific?cleansing?journey.

You may also like :??The 5 Soul Wound?

You can join Cindy's?monthly?Women Sacred healing circle?for deep healing experiences at the Light centre London Belgravia.